I started baking today with the intention of making cookies filled with sugar and love. Instead, the cookies and treats provided me with the only comfort of the day, just the busyness of making them, the timing, the mixing, the rolling.
I found out this afternoon that a buddy died last Saturday night. That was the night that the waves were crazy high, crashing at 15 feet, out of control, and they closed the pier because the ocean had damaged it in such a way that left the wobbly structure unsafe. After an evening of drinking, and a grand finale 5th of Wild Turkey, the homies mikey and Nello decided to take on the wrath of Poseidon himself, and in their board shorts. After they jumped the fence that was designed to keep such hooligans out, they ran the half-mile down to the T of the pier and both jumped. Mikey says he talked to Nello the whole way in, up the last point where mikey caught a wave and believed Nello did the same. Mikey woke up on the beach in a heap of kelp, alone. No Nello.
So he went to the lifeguard, hoping he had seen something. Nothing.
Nello’s friends and his sister filed a missing persons report and waited all Sunday. Nello’s body washed ashore late Sunday, leaving the lifeguards to believe that he had been pretty close to shore when it all ended. Close enough that it didn’t take the 3-5 days they expected. It took one. Nello’s sis had to call her parents and let them know. Both moved down here earlier this year, and have been such awesome kids that fit perfectly into the group of crazy cats I run with. What a shame. what a sad sad loss. I feel so terrible for his sister. They were so close. She has to be dying.
So I spent the whole day baking. Cookies. Truffles. Cakes. Bread. Whatever the fuck it took to not break down and cry. But I did anyway. I sat in my kitchen and cried. Like a big fucking baby. When will it end, this horrible fucking year? Because it obviously isn’t going to get any better…..I mean, progressively worse is one thing. But this? It’s insane! ENOUGH WITH THE DEATH ALREADY PLEASE. They say bad things come in 3, but this has been one shitty fucking year man, and there have been no three’s unless we’re speaking exponentially. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everyone dying around me, tired of friends getting so fucked up they kill themselves. I understand that life is precious, and am thankful for every moment but isn’t this a tad bit excessive?
And to top it all off, I just found out my only living grandfather is on his deathbed too. So, I’m going to go visit him tomorrow, and hopefully he’s lucid, and hopefully I don’t have some emotional breakdown that will just aggravate the whole situation.
Because I am trying my best to float peacefully through these tumultuous times, but with every death, i feel as though a little piece of my humanity goes as well. Little bits of me that were previously hurt by such things build tiny little invisible walls to block out the fact that I will miss these people. And I try and remain positive, and subjective. And I try and tell myself that death is the ultimate climax of our lives, the only proof that we have lived, and I try and believe that we don’t leave, and instead simply change. But its hard.
It’s really hard, and no matter how much I try, I can’t help but feel like something was lost. Something….

What a little week. Well, not so much the full thing yet, but from Sunday to Wednesday, accomplishment flows through my veins. And you’ll be happy when ya find out why….I just shot a bunch more content for the site! HAHA! yes. ANd whats even more exciting is that my web guy is coming down tomorrow to shoot even more content, and set up web cams in my casa. Just in the kitchen and second bedroom, but the second bedroom is where I paint, and I’m even contemplating a stripper pole, fuck, no contemplation actually, I should just put together a “Pennys second bedroom stripper pole” fund. If you love me, please send me $20.00 at
po box 502427
san diego, ca. 92150-2427
and I will put all the money in a bucket, or a shoebox if I’m feelin real ghetto, and then once I have all that it takes, which isn’t much I don’t think, somewhere around $400.00, then the second bedroom’s coolness will grow and grow and grow, as will my awesome power of pole tricks, and other stripper oriented feats. Yes. Stripper feats.
Feet. I’m gonna do a bunch foot stuff….maybe a little shoe fashion show one day?
I’m glad to be home. I’ve been in LA, work monday, confusion and frustration making way for an enlightening tuesday, and lessons learned tuesday were applied to my evening tonight. After a long day at work, 10 different photo sets, and 5 videos, the feeling of accomplishment came when I made an executive decision regarding my immediate future.
Tuesday I wanted to go snowboarding with this man, who is really a diamond in the rough, but he felt like poopoo, so we both figured it would be better for him to take it easy and rest. Diamond has a hectic month ahead, and the last thing he needs is to get sick. But I stuck around the valley with intentions of kicking it, maybe watching a movie. I may have overextended myself when I invited him to the Dali Exhibit. If he didn’t want to go snowboarding, he probably didn’t feel up to some crazy art exhibit that I’m gonna wanna play at all day, and he wouldn’t be able to see it comfortably anyway. But I was excited, and asked anyway. No such luck. Ended up chillin around the valley solo, reading the newspaper at the Bean, doing a little christmas shopping, and playing a couple games of chess with a new friend from the pot store. Finally, I went back out to Tye N9nes house in fucking China, tired of waiting in the valley. Waiting for what I don’t really know in retrospect. But very rarely do I know what moves I’m making while I’m making them. I just go with what feels right.
Tonight, after I got off work, I hollered at Diamond, who was out at our friends funeral. I told D I would stay around to give him a hug before I took off, and then went to dinner with Tye N9nes dad to take up some time. I Heezy, nothing better than pancakes for dinner. After the date with dad, I cruised up to Tye neezy’s again, to watch him open the christmas present I got him. (Raiders Monopoly Set, fucking gangster). By 10 pm, I was tired of waiting. Tired period. I figured Diamond had gone out with some folks fromt he funeral, or had passed out entirely as is his classic style. So imagine my surprise when he calls me just as I’m getting on the 5 south from the 14. Well fancy that you little shiny stone, what are you doing. So I hop on the freeway going his way, not yet knowing where he is, but knowing i’m kinda in need of a hug too. We talk, and he says that he is okay, not too shook up, and if I’m cruisin, keep cruisin. But then he said that he will call me later and if I’m in town we’ll meet up, and if not then another day. Click, conversation fini, okay. What the fuck does that mean? If he knows I’m on the way back to SD, then why make a statement enticing me to stay in town? Is this because he wants me to stick around? Is it because he is just being nice and making conversation? I don’t understand “man” vernacular sometime, and so call my bestest bestest Snuggs.
Me “Snuggs, what the heck does he want from me here? I said I’d stick, he said no biggie, but then said….etcetc….”
Snuggs “Of course he wants you to stay bun, and he wants to see you. You are a bun bun.”
Me “No, you are a bun bun. But that doesn’t answer anything for me”
Snuggs “Bun, it doesn’t matter what he wants you to do, do what you want to do”
Me “rrrrr”

I wanted to see him all the day before and didn’t get to. I had waited till 10 to see him tonight, and it didn’t happen. Its time for me to take a hint that this isn’t the way we are supposed to meet up. The universe isn’t pulling for this to work right now, so don’t try and force it little freckled one. Simply follow the signs, and the forces of nature will take you where you need to go.
So I turned around at reseda and the 118, and started back home. When I was getting on the 5 south from the 118, I saw a shooting star, which I can only assume is a good sign. I’m doing the right thing. I start thinking, what if he calls, what do I say, what if he doesn’t call, do I care, why do I think I have any right to care, or place any importance on any conversation, or feeling as small or big as I deny them to be, the glare of lights occasionally startling me into consciousness, reminding me of the journey at hand.
When I decided that this is the best idea, me leaving and just going home, I also realized if we are meant to be together, and spend time together, and love together, then the world and the energy in it will push us together in such a way that neither can deny. And if it isn’t meant to be, well then we will be split apart, and that will be that. No amount of analyzing, or over-thinking can deliver the answer I want; I don’t know what answer I want. Therein lies the problem. But it is only a problem if I treat it that way. Instead, I need to treat it like an adventure. And be okay with the fact that I don’t know how this will go. This life. As these thoughts danced through my mind, a second falling star danced through the sky.
The mind settled, although didn’t quiet entirely, it was enough to remind myself of this newly acquired outlook. Follow the signs. this lane doesn’t feel right, think I will switch…..good thing too because there were two vehicles stopped in that lane and the ambulance and cops hadn’t marked it off yet, careening down the 5 at 85 mph, hard to tell if cars are moving. Easy to tell how still they are when you speed past, heart racing, almost a fatal accident. Follow your feelings. Quite ignoring your feelings. Admit you have feelings. As I pulled onto the last stretch of my drive, the last 2 miles, a third shooting star broke through my veil of emotional darkness. The brightest shooting star I have ever seen in Southern California, and by far a cap to an evening of omens.
I know we will spend time together. I was stressed, like you know me to be, but I’m letting go. I have been working on letting go. On breathing. and accepting. I figure I will fall into his arms when the time is right, and not a moment before.
Son cosas de la vida…..

so after months and months of trying to get into my own site, I finally figured it out. I’m a bit of an idiot when it comes to the internet. Its like mars …..
anyway, if you are a member, and have been pissed off at me for not ever going into the forums or anything, forgive me. I’m in now. Just wanted to let you all know….
I’m not as smart as I look

I’m fairly certain. Positive. This has been a bad year. You know how there are varying levels of badness. Like say you loose your keys, thats a level 1 bad. No car, maybe get a day off work, can’t get into your house so you stay at Starbucks all day kinda bad. Then there is bad day where you loose your job and get evicted from your apartment. Thats like a level 6, and what I’m about to say may sound crude, but at this point, I’m not quite sure how else to feel.
This week started yesterday, Monday, with a call from someone very special, diamond, saying a friend of ours had died. Overdosed on heroin. On a monday morning, this guy felt the need to get so fucked up that he killed himself. Not only did he annihilate any sorrow that he was feeling, he also killed any chance at normalcy that his 11 year old child had, already being the spawn of a known pornographer. Diamond sounded as in shock as one would expect, and being closer to the former user should be, I didn’t know what to say. He said there wasn’t anything to say, very right. My condolences. Such tragedy.
Then this morning Tye N9ne calls. I’m on a run and miss the call. I always leave my phone plugged in when I run, and check it when I come back, missed call, new text. “She’s gone.”
For awhile now, a friend of ours named Moonshine had been battling leukemia. About a year and a half ago, she supposedly went into remission, and was chillin. I have known a few cancer victims in my life and none of them are victims. Sure they are attacked by ruthless and totally out of control cells, but this vicious attack on their body by their own body has shown two outcomes. I could be very wrong, and god forbid if you have cancer and read this and get pissed off that you freak out and call me shallow or heartless, but this is how I feel. Uncensored. There are two outcomes of cancer patients. The first is a person who “because of his illness” thinks he can get fucked up and screw off his life because well, god already did it, and you know what fuck that he will just kill himself faster.
Then there is the other patient. The one who is empowered by the illness, and uses it as fuel to live a better, more productive life. There is the cancer patient who learns that they have 6 months to live and starts running daily, eating better, smiling at strangers, and noticing leaves falling from red and orange trees. This person is not a victim, and no matter what the doctor says, he will not quit living until the end is the end. These people are sensationalized in story books, and television, and they survive the cancer (in fiction AND real life) because of the strong will to survive and renewed appreciation for life.
Moonshine, for all her beauty and love, for the incredibly touching life she lead, unfortunately passed from our world this morning around 7, and one can only attribute it to the fact that the girl was simply too wonderful for this world. Some people are just a universe beyond, and in the short time we are given to encounter and learn from said person, we must first learn to be thankful for every passing moment. We must be thankful for every heartbeat, and every blink of the eye. Every smile from someone on the street, and every cloud that kind of looks like a dragon eating the eiffel tower. I believe every person meets someone like the girl I have just described. Someone who….takes your breath away. Such a shame.
From ash to ash….
I hope wednesday brings something better

yup, finally going in to dance tonight. After the longest week of my life, its time to finish it all off with the strippers hustle. I gotta learn you guys, I gotta learn. Do you want a dance? Do you want a dance? Do you want a dance? Just keep saying it. Fuck everything else. YOu aren’t going to make friends. You aren’t going to “have fun!”. you are going to make money. So go make your money girl.
Last week started on a sunday for me, instead of your regular monday. I came up to see a buddy of mine who took off to Europe for a minute. So after a fantastic dinner, and some good conversation, I crashed like a light, getting ready for my shoot for Triangle monday. Of course, Triangle is a great day. I make love to my girl Elixis, who is now going by savannah gold I believe, and although we have known eachother for over 6 years, this is the first time we were actually together. The sex was fantastic. Sensuous. Loving. Intimate. I suppose it should be after 6 years of foreplay….
Tuesday I thought I had some work, so I hung out for awhile. Then, finally getting curious, I call the office to find that my job for Stormy over at Wicked is actually on Wednesday, not Tuesday, so Tuesday is wasted. Go to the gym. Go hang out with TyeN9ne, who is actually trying to get his shit together, and spruce up his life. HIs goose. hehehe. geese. Well, we have some yumyum dindin, and a couple brews with a couple of his friends. Next morning, we wake up and mash down to the valley to have coffee with his pops before they start work at 8. I gotta be in at 9 anyway. well, I gotta go by vivid, and pick up my movies around 9, (did you guys see??? 6 avn nominations????fucking pumped!!!), then to stormys set by 9:30, which of course I make in plenty of time. The only shitty thing is that the wrap for the day is scheduled at 1:30. Terrifying. Nobody ever runs on time… except of course Stormy. Stormy may be the only train in porn valley that runs on time. Good woman. She had me dressed up as a cop, and the production manager had to keep wrangling me from going outside and “accidently impersonating an officer”. All I wanted to do was smoke a blunt out front in my cop outfit while directing traffic. But NOOOOOOO. no fun for me. He actually took my gun AND my baton. And its obvious you aren’t a cop if you don’t have a gun or a baton. Whatever.
I drive home to SD, getting in around 1, smoking a blunt and passing out by 2. Thursday, I have to move the rest of my shit out of my old apartment into my new apartment. I have to do it all Thursday. All of it. So I holler at my sister and her boyfriend and fortunately they come through and help me out. We get it all in, rearrange some things to their pad downtown, and have the uhual back by 7:30pm. Dinner. Should I drive back to LA? rrrr……i’m so tired. Fuck it. Ima get my ass outta bed first thing in the morning and run.
4:00a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over smack it snooze it. only ten more minutes mom.
4:10a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over smack it snooze it. only ten more minutes mom.
4:20a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over…..4:20 is my favorite time, so get you ass in the shower, wash that dirty sleepy body of yours, and get your ass on the road. Coffee. Don’t bring your weed flame or you will be passed out driving to the valley by 7am. Like I made it to the valley by 7am. If you live in southern california, you know that the most dangerous natural disaster we have is rain. It makes people drive like idiots, and fucks up the freeways. LA wasn’t built for rain, so the whole fucking thing floods. Sliding slipping, crashing cars the whole way up the 5. I take it to the 605, try to loop around LA only to have to fight traffic coming in from San Bernadino. 605 to the 210 to the 118 all the way over to De Soto, call the office, sorry I’m late guys, will you call Bobby for me? Rush rush rush, flood flood flood. Upside down cars. Jackknifed mac trucks. It takes me 4 hours and 45 minutes to drive 120 miles.
Work, no problem. Brooke Haven that sexy bitch, and a new guy ralph long, walk in the park. For Brassers. Think that’s how it’s spelled. mmmm.
the whole time I had been texting with a sexy man from my past, one who is slowly shrinking due to a new diet, and love of life, who’s name has been changed to protect the innocent. No, I believe his name changed because my perspective of him changed. As Coelho says “He was quite different from the boy I had known-but of course, it had been twelve years; people change. Tonight his eyes were shining–he looked wonderful”. So I watched him for awhile, as he had never really let me watch him before. He had tried to show me a couple times, whether it was pictures, or posters, or even some video, but none it is the same as sitting and observing someone. Watching their twitches, the expression in the eyes when one things he isn’t being watched. The determination that oozes from his pores. Interesting man. Intriguing. Enticing. Never before have I seen him. smelled him. He is new. perhaps I am as well.
After a nice dinner, and perhaps one of the most awkward goodbyes ever (do I hug you and kiss you? do I kiss you then hug you? do I put my lips on your lips like I want to or do I hold back and behave myself like I should? here, let me just oops, those were your lips, on mine, hehehe….okey, let me do that again, oh, cheek, okay, hug hug, um……just run away). I am terribly awkward. Terribly. But he understands. He knows. I am only me.
So then off to the pot store, for a little taste of heaven before I hit the road back home to SD. after a good little session, (my first smoke of the day mind you), I decide a vanilla latte and i’m on my way. Right as soon as I hit the highway I felt as though if I may burst. Full of confused feelings. Where am I going? Home. Why am I going there? because I miss it. And I love it. And I want to go home.
You feel like home.
And so today, after sleeping till noon, the first time in years, I woke, made some peets coffee, cleaned the little bullshit things that I needed to, ate, napped, showered and am here, trying my best to update you on my week. And I feel as though….well….its time for something to happen. Time for something in my life to drastically change. I feel it in the air. In the temperature of my soul. In the ocean, which was crazy today, turbulent, angry, crashing, violent, until its energy was spent, and waves lapped gently against the rocks below my house as the sun set on another day in San Diego.

After not having worked all month, my body and brain weren’t ready for it the week of hectic driving and working and rushing and waiting……that being said, I just got home from my last day of work this month. I left SD at 5am, got to work at 9:45, did the do, had a bite with an oldie but goodie, got some doja and bounced back to SD around 10pm. Its how the whole week has gone, frustratingly fast and dodgy and confusing.
So I just wanted to write a quick note, and let you know that I will tell you all about it tomorrow, after I’ve had a good sleep, and the pot wears off. Finding writing more difficult the higher I am. Fucks me up. fucks up my line of thought. makes me a tad too careless with my words, thoughts.
But now, I am going to turn off all the lights in my house, go into my bedroom and take off all my clothes. The touch light on the night table will be set to low as i slip into my brand new aqua lace baby doll sleepy nobody’s seen and masturbate to the smell of a man I miss.
Then after three or four good orgasms, I’m going to sleep like the dead.
I’ll tell you how all that goes tomorrow too

The whole Sugardaddy thing. I can’t do it. I can’t even think about it. Taryn can have em all cuz, well, wow. Sorry, let me gather myself and figure out what just happened.
My inconvenient truth is that I just don’t feel right about looking for someone based upon their income. My greed can’t overcome the icky feeling in my tummy every time I look at emails. Its just not for me. For other people, but not for me. If I want companionship, or something to do that bad, I can do like the rest of America and sign up for an actual dating website that hooks you up with someone based on personality and likes and not how much someone is willing to spend on me a month. I have a fucking job. God gave me two arms and two legs just like everybody else on this earth, and there is nothing stopping me from going out and getting shit for myself by myself. Even if its stripping, at least I’m out and “providing a service,” not just sitting behind my computer sending kisses to men I don’t like and never could simply on the merits of the website. I’m sure there are some very nice men there too, but I don’t think these men are for me. Presents always stress me out, because my twisted little brain associates spoiling with buying off, don’t try and buy me off man! I don’t even like guys to buy me drinks, who am I kidding thinking that I could actually have a sugardaddy. ME? There must be some underlying thing here, something deeper. Because I don’t do weird things and sign up for shit like this ever. Its never been me. And it never will.
I feel like I’ve slowly transforming into this little monster who spends and consumes and eats and shits and fucks and none of it every satisfies so why perform such meaningless rituals. In the name of comfort? When did this whole thing start I wonder? When did the NEED develop? Because today, I found myself checking the sugardaddy email inbox, and almost writing someone back, almost committing to hello, but then pushing the close button each time. This last time, frantically scrolling over my menu bar, gotta find something else to fucking look at I feel sick in my stomach. Blep. So here I am. Writing to you. And I’m already starting to feel better. I think I am going to delete my account entirely. I would rather work 30 hour days 40 days a month than demand someone take care of me. Too much pride shiny little penny.
So I am going to dance tonight at Cheetahs. If you want a lapdance, then I will take your money. Sure. No problem. Come on in. And to any sugardaddys, keep on keepin on man. It will never be enough. You can’t feed the beast inside of her. No amount of your money or work will ever make her just love you. it will just make her more thirsty. and when shes had her fill she will wander away, coming back only to refuel her fire. more more more more more more more more more more. and if you are okay with that then I am okay with that, but a beautiful woman will love you for you, only you, and the you can both enjoy your sugaryness, but man, no rose colored shades can make me see this in a pretty way. It just makes me feel icky, it makes me feel like I don’t like people, like the greed will just grow and grow and grow and more and more and more.
Well, I don’t need more. I don’t even want more.

I don’t know that I have ever spent thanksgiving away from my mom. She is my best best best friend, and on all our holidays, we eat like pigs, drinks like kings, and dance like we never have before. ANd I had a wonderful holiday with my little Taryn and her wild Thomas family, but I miss my mom. I miss her laughing, yelling at me to get my dirty hands out of the potato pot. I miss her telling me that I shouldn’t have eaten that 7th slice of pie, and she knew it would be the one to hurt my stomach. I miss her getting a little too drunk, and hugging me cuz she misses me. I miss all the gay family pictures that we take in the backyard, the loud christmas carol music that she breaks out every time this year.
I miss my family.
Although your friends family could be the best replacement for your own, there is nothing like the comfort of people who are required to love you, even after you’ve had too much eggnog. There is nothing like knowing that you can say something so politically incorrect that someone squirts milk out his nose, and instead of there being a terrible silence, there is laughter, and tears of utter joy. The simple and honest beauty in the foundation of your family can make or break a holiday. My family has managed to put all our ugly little secrets out on the table to be dealt with up front, and now, there is nothing to hide except for the notch on my belt after dinner.
I miss my mama. my sister. my brother. even my dad a little. (but don’t tell him that…)
I am thankful for every moment that I get to spend with them. I am thankful for every moment I get to spend on earth. I am thankful for all the wonderful people in my life who have left “footprints on my heart.”
Happy Turkey day folks…..
Hopefully, your bellies are full, and your hearts are satisfied.

Taryn found this website that, you know, hooks you up with the sugar daddy of your dreams. SO FUNNY. Crazy. Wild. So I decided to make a profile.
???
Well, first of all, its not a prosti site, so you don’t have to worry about that. Second, I never like the guys I date to spoil me. It makes me feel funny. That being said, perhaps I’d feel differently about a man whose soul purpose is to spoil me rotten, not to date me. Just to please me. Kind of like a nice fun slave kinda thing. A more cheerleader shaded bdsm thing sans sex. What an interesting concept. I have no idea what will come of this thing, but before any body asks me, yes. If you want to spoil me you may…..ahahahahahhahaha.

Oh lord, I’m feelin’ good tonight. Not quite sure why, I’m broke as a joke, (there are funds, but they are purposely not available without emotional and financial penalty) so two days before Thanksgiving, I’m heading to the titty bar to shake my tail feather, in the words Lexi, a dear friend of mine from years ago. Figure I can use any extra bucks I can make. And its a great little workout, both on the body and the hustle,……
actually, lets call the club first and see if I can even dance…..

b
u r
n

Okay, well, that is that. Good thing I got a bottle of wine last night, ease the pain of no holiday shopping the day where EVERYBODY AND THEIR MA’s goes holiday shopping. Man. Boooh. Boooh slow periods, and my cleverness of saving my money in places where I can’t touch it WHYHAVEMONEYIFICANTSPENDITWHENEVERYBODYELSESAYSIHAVETOSPENDITONTHEMOSTCRAZYDAYSTARTEARLYYEARSOFTRAINING
THANKYOUMOTHER.

This is turning into such a stressful event. Why is it that every holiday season, we all go absolutely insane and try to spend every single dime we ever made just to prove to people around us that we love them and cherish them and I think this year I might just make all my gifts. From the heart style, no need to put myself in the red to show my love. Just takes a little more thought. A little more preparation. perhaps, a trip to…..
MICHAELS
NO! that is not the answer. The answer isn’t to go shopping at a different store. Just because it isn’t the mall doesn’t mean it isn’t endthisendless shopping. I keep seeing that sticker everywhere, fucking everywhere. Hippies.
I’m gonna vino out, and assure that I don’t go anywhere or spend any money. Wine+pot=falling asleep on the couch

So for the past ten days, I have been slowly moving items from the old casa to the new. It’s this excellent filtering process, makes me go through every little fucking thing and make a decision. I saw this lady on Oprah (yeah, I was a little bored one day), and she hoarded things. EVERYTHING. Her house was filled to the ceiling with useless crap, that she just couldn’t let go. Until Oprah. Oprah hired some fancy clutter management dude to come in and not only sort through the mess, but sort through her emotions that led to creating the mess. And did she have some things to work through.
My house isn’t nearly as cluttered, but I have found some boxes of crap that I wasn’t willing to go through, my underlying fear of commitment always shining through in the most simple forms, and I went through them. It wasn’t anything but old sweatshirts from random men that come in and leave my life. Most are snugs I think, because they all had weed references, or were about booze, and even one from an old time associate, Ben Pot, the most famous stoner known to man until he went off that yayo, surfaced advertising his favorite shop, Orchard growers. Funny. So I gave em to salvation army. Then I decided to go through the rest of my clothes.
I found things I fit into when I was on drugs, and folks, I don’t ever think I will be a 0 again. I don’t think any real woman is. I think curves are such a necessary part to a womans femininity, without those hips, well, you are just a man. So I put em in the salvation army pile. Along with some little ass shirt. And another pair of unbelievably small pants. I even tried a pair on…..got to my knee. FUck this.
In the same day, I decided to take a run.
For absolutely no reason at all. hahahahahhhhh
Sunday football is calling. I shall answer, and return

Defeated. Rough. What the fuck is Culpepper doing? Is he a quarterback or what?

As I was saying, a run is exactly what I needed. Sometimes it hurts my back, but then stretch. And its better. At least a little.

So excited for Dexter tonight. Fucking Lila. Psycho bitch. Trying to play with my dexter. I wish I could be dexter for a day. Just one day.