I feel like this whole month has just been on blast. Constant, full throttle, no breaks, no breathing, just time to move forward. Which is exactly what I need. Over the past two months, I have felt things crumbling at my fingertips. My friendships, friends, work, living situation, general happiness,… every aspect of life has come under such scrutiny, and questions arise with every move made. That being said, I had an interesting day. For a couple different reasons….
I just got a ton of bookings for these upcoming two months, and I know that it won’t stop there. This is going to be a good year, I feel it in my bones. In my boner. hahahha….no, but seriously folks, I gotta good feeling. Beyond work, but more in terms of the career. And I don’t want to shy away from the good thing I have going. I think its time I work on getting a place in LA (even if its just to rent a room in someone else’s place). I feel like I’m not able to be a large part of my job. Because being away from it made me realize how much a part of it I have become. Its Not the party, not the crazy side of being a porn star, its more being available to your work. I realize that its just too far to commute, and it wears me out, and spends money unnecessarily. I could just use all the money from my train rides to pay for a room, and then I’d get to spend those hours previously in transit, and I could start doing yoga more and relaxing. And I will keep my San Diego places for anytime I have two days off together, and come here all the time, but I’m just going to have to live in both places. I am both places. These are my sides.
Now all I need is a dope spot in the Oakland Hills and I would be stupid happy.
Straight California girl….

Another thought I had is that I’m not going to realistically be able to attend school this semester. It was a bit of a rash decision, and although it was great in that it broke the ice as far as me going back, I don’t really want to go to school down here. I’m thinking I should shoot a bit closer to work, I mean, it made sense to me on the train down, if I have one thing that keeps me in one place, why don’t I try and schedule two things in that one place. I can’t be running up and down southern california trying to fuck everyone and learn something. Its too much motion. I need to treat SD as it is for me. A vacation. Los Angeles is my job. San Francisco is my heart. So I am thinking about withdrawing from this semester, and enrolling in the fall up in the valley. UCLA perhaps? Before I start making commitments, I need to sit down and decide what I want to spend my time, energy and money on, and I can’t just rush into things with my head down. Not knowing where it is I’m trying to go. It’s like getting on the 101 and trying to go to work but not knowing what town I’m fucking in. Can’t do it.

Two more brief thoughts, and a closing story from the train station.
I am going to try my hand at a script. I figure, hey, silly funny porno script can’t be too hard right? I mean fuck, writing about sex, fucking, lying, cheating, fucking some more, story story story, I’m in enough of em right? Took a screen writing class once, at UCSD, actually sat in on it, couldn’t get credit cuz I wasn’t enrolled but the teacher was dope and extended the personal invite, so fuckit, scoot over, lemme sit down. Got the style down. Good with dialogue. Maybe? Why not? Maybe even just to have something to do…
I would like to start directing again at some point. Why the fuck not right? I had a great time doing shit for Shanes World, and just because an issue came up, I shouldn’t nix it off my future to do list. I had a great time. Man. It would probably work even better if it wasn’t all about getting fucked up, and now that I’m not really getting that fucked up, it would be that much easier. Brilliant. Now the question is…..who’s gonna let me But really, thats not the approach I am going to take. I’m going to sit back and chill and I think what will come will come, and if the opportunity doesn’t arise, then its a sign that things are as they should be.

I Had a strange moment at Union Station tonight. Upon entering, one couldn’t help but notice the guy in hand cuffs right outside the traxx care. Behind the cafe is a small sitting area where a mexican guy is chillin with two little white freckly lookin kids. I go get my ticket, and then back to traxx for a goodnight glass of syrah pre-train. Well, I start sipping my wine, back to the whole situation, (drug dogs kind of make me nervous, not even because I had anything, but just because i feel guilty, usually am hahahah), and the little boy starts flirting with me. He’s like 6 years old, and all smiles, and his little bro who’s about 3 is passed out on the Mexicans lap. I smile at the guy, flirt with the kid (funny ugly face contest, he beat me ten times in a row, and then he started blowing kisses) and the Mexican guy tells me while nodding at the guy in cuffs, “that’s their dad….I kinda got stuck watching these little kids. I just can’t leave em”. So I have the 6 year old (sean) come over by my chair and hang out for a little bit, figure give the guy a break. Sean tells me his moms in jail, and I tell him my moms been to jail too. he smiles, and looks up at the ceiling, which brings me to look at the ceiling, just as he says, “look, I got you flowers”, talking about the tile flowers in between the wooden beams supporting the whole magnificent structure. I laugh and tickle him and say “Why yes you did, and they are just lovely”. Then the kid runs over to his pops, and stands in front of him and puts his arms out, telling the cops “thats my dad”.
The Mexican said the guy just went straight to the bar and got trashed. Quit watching his kids.

Fucking sad, cuz these were some cool kids.

I gave Sean a hug and the Mexican a handshake, after telling him he’s got some seriously good karma coming his way. I ran to catch my train home.