after a ton of baking, and a lot of work on something I should have been working on constantly anyway, I am starting to feel as though it all may be worth it after all. I’ve realized a few important things in this week of confusion, sorrow, and loss. I’ve realized that there are very few people in life that I would do anything for. A few people in this world that I would probably lay down and die for (not that that would ever be necessary, but…..), and I realized that these people must at all times know just how important and special they are to me.
The ones who don’t cut it, the ones who I have been trying my hardest to stay friends with…..this is no friendship. There is nothing healthy about a relationship that leaves one starving for kindness, there is nothing healthy about a friend that leaves you angry, simply because they themselves are so angry it oozes from the pores, and attempts to seep into yours. Perhaps I should start at the beginning. And when I get to the end, I will stop.
As previously commented, yes. This year has been utter shit. Completely fucked. Everything that I hold dear, anything that I have believed in, or trusted in has been tested to a degree that no normal person could effortlessly pass. For example, in January, I quit smoking cigarettes. For those of you who know me, you know that I have been a smoker for over 9 years, 7 of those years a pack a day, the last two, two packs a day. that’s over 40 cigarettes, 280+ minutes a day that I had to fill with something other than cigarette smoking. Talking about it makes me want one. So I am going to tell you what happened a week after I quit.
My dog Lunchbox died from kidney failure, from that fucking dog food recall. A week after. Fucking bullshit. I could kill those careless bastards. After that, things just got more fucked up. From my little mental breakdowns involving Mr. Romance, and undeniable feelings for Mr. X, the lack of ability to talk to normal guys let alone develop some sort of relationship that is NORMAL, I have allowed myself to become increasingly isolated and detached. Quite honestly, I have never felt more alone. Then summer hit, and my friends all started dying. Starting with Haley, and (hopefully) ending with Nello, this year has kind of been a downward slope, more of a cliff where happy feelings just jump off one at a time, in a near suicidal manner.
I try and stay positive. Certain people around me allow this to happen, guys like Diamond or Tye n9ne, because they still have that power and hope inside, regardless of the loss. Then I realize yesterday, today maybe finalized the thought, the feeling, yesterday and today I realized who I need in my life and who I don’t.
Have you ever had someone who you have known forever, who has….well….changed? And not in that “we’ve been friends forever, we are growing old and changing together” kind of way? Just more the “what happened to you? You’ve changed…..” This is a man who I used to refer to as a friend, someone who I used to believe held my best interest at heart, someone who although we have seen bad times, the good times outshine any possible stain on the reputation. Well, I have begun to think that those good times were dreams. Times that I just wanted to happen. Maybe it was just good to me? I don’t know. But I’m done with him. I’ve spoken of him somewhere in this blog before, and looking back, its rare that the things I’ve said have been good. I once told Mr. X that he is the kind of guy you can never trust to be alone with your girlfriend, no matter how tight you think you are, he’ll fuck her (or try anyway) the second you close your eyes. At the time this didn’t seem like a problem, except for the fact that Mr. X at the time was Mr. Flame, and so it may have not been the best thing to tell him that you don’t trust him with you lady, me being his lady. Fortunately, I’ve never felt this way about Kai Bleeze, not in the sexy time or romantic, or even lustful, none of these things have I ever felt for him, so Mr X (flame) had no reason to worry about HIS lady because I wouldn’t let that happen. Kai and I have been friends for years, since we were 12 actually, and it was always based more on a family, “you’re like my little brother” type of relationship. We’ve never dated, and the only times we’ve ever had sex, (twice in our 13 years of friendship), we were both so plastered we woke up wondering what all we did. And one of those times I woke up with a sore jaw, because someone decided to get a little rough, and not being the trained professional, nearly broke my face. That was the last time I would ever have sex with him, drunk or not, because being hurt is not my thing, and while he felt bad, he didn’t comprehend the complexity of the situation at hand. He didn’t understand that there is something lurking deeper there, something that was let out under the pretense of drunken stupidity, something that is fundamentally anger. Anger toward women, and quite possibly, toward me.
I let that go, because it was a drunken mistake, and lord knows I’ve made a ton. However, this anger started to carry into everything he did. From the way he spoke to me and other women, the way he dealt with his friends, the way he just couldn’t let things go, to certain subtle changes in his mannerisms, and outlook on life. Something changed inside this man that I used to call my friend and made him into an angry, chauvinistic, and aggressive man, and I find I no longer recognize him. I look in his eyes, and I don’t see the person I used to know.
So after a couple years of trying to make it work, the past two have been the worst in fact, partially due to the fact that he has started drinking excessively, and partially due to the fact that he hasn’t had sex or a female in years, I am calling it quits. I quit you Kai. Not like he reads this anyway. I’ve told him over and over that I love to blog, that I pour my heart out in these things, and being that we’ve known each other for as long as we have, you would think he would be stoked because I don’t have an easy time opening up. (anyone who has ever known me personally will tell you the same….I am a fortress. I can’t share. and when I do, my emotions and feelings are so bottled up it all comes out like a rocket on the 4th, fucking colors and screeches and ooohhhs and ahhhs at the end of it all).So I admit to him that I blog, and I really like it because I have finally found a venue I feel comfortable expressing myself through. I even tell him Mr. X reads it occasionally to make sure I’m okay (which I absolutely love), and Kai just gets upset, says “Thats fucking gay, I’m your friend, I don’t have to read your blog to figure out what’s going on in your life,” but as anyone who has blogged will admit, it is much easier to come to terms with ones feelings through the spaciousness of the internet. Well, he always refused to read my blogs. Fine. Just fine. Not like I want my best friends to be included in what I care about, to know about things that I sit and take the time to write, the subjects that occasionally bring tears to my eyes. God forbid. Just another thing I had to let go. He said he would read it once, after a huge blowout fight, where I ended up screaming “You know what? If you had something that you loved to do and you did it everyday I would die to read what meant so much to you, I would do anything I could so I could share with you something so personal and real, anything,” but if that outburst didn’t prompt some sort of reaction I don’t know what would. And I highly doubt that he actually read anything. He never even finished the books that I would give him to read. Not one. I’ve given him 4 books in the past year, one on Rasta, one titled “The Zahir” by Coelho, one “way of the peaceful warrior” by dan Millman, and of course the follow up to that book, “Sacred journey of the peaceful warrior” also by millman. These are books that have changed my life. These silly pages filled with silly words have allowed me to make it through the past year, have given me hope in my darkest hour, and meant so much to me that no, i didn’t go out and buy him his own, I gave him my books. My editions. Pages upon which I have shed tears.
And he didn’t finish one.
When Mr. X told me about Danny Dukes, I happened to be at Kai’s house. Too in shock to cry or mourn or do anything, I left. Kai offered his apologies but that means nothing. Every time someone in our life dies, he feels it is his responsibility to come with the “truth” and immediately starts referring to said friend as a corpse. A wave of the hand and “oh him? he’sa corpse.” Not quite the person you want by your side if you hurt in anyway, because he’s the kind of guy who will laugh at you for feeling. And then offer you weed or beer to ease the “pain.” Once, I told him how concerned I was for a girlfriend who recently found a cancerous tumor on one of her ovaries, and he says “she should just get them taken out, that’s what I did to cali (his dog)”. Well fuck that, that’s not how I’m trying to deal with all of this loss. It just doesn’t feel right. So I didn’t bother calling him when I found out about Moonshine. And I didn’t bother calling him to tell him about my grandfather. No point. Which got me to thinking…..
Why the fuck would I ever call this guy again? Why in gods name would I want this kind of person in my life? Someone who is constantly unhappy, until someone else’s misfortune is greater than his. Then he may smile.
He was out drinking recently with a bunch of friends, and he winds up running into this guy Adrian, who Kai has been harboring some aggression toward for almost 6 months. and why? During the summer, Kai let Adrian borrow his truck to move into A’s new place. Somewhere along the day, Adrian being human, accidently bumps into another car. No damage to Kai’s, medium damage to the other persons, its all covered by insurance, and everything got worked out, but Kai just can’t let it go. It’s eating him alive, the anger and hate he has for this poor guy, just for an accident. So a couple weeks ago, Kai is drinking at one of our local drinking wells, and winds up telling Adrian that he (Kai) hopes that Adrian burns alive and that his wife Jamie has to sit and watch. The fucked up things isn’t just that he said it, but that he meant it. And so A’s little bro came with the quickie and gave Kai exactly what he needed, a busted fucking lip, and a little blow to the ego. So when Kai wakes up, he spends hours yelling about it, complaining about it, both to me and another girlfriend Rye, saying he wants to go burn down A’s house, A inside, etc. etc. blah blah blah, angry venom spewing from this otherwise grubby hippy looking kid. He says that he’s either gonna file a police report of assault, or burn the guys house down, so being the good girls we are, we opt for the cops. There is no point in trying to convince him that it’s his own damn fault, and he probably should have just shut his angry face, how do you convince someone who only sees red that he is the one to blame here? You don’t. You hope the cops show up and laugh in his face and tell him not to be such a dick. But the cops never get that part of the story. Kai also blames Rye, because she happens to be friends with Adrian, and well, why can’t she just fix this, and why the fuck is she friends with these people and what the fuck? This is every situation he gets himself in. Someone is always trying to fuck him over, is fucking him over, or already fucked him over. And the world just owes him.
He made fun of the fish I painted, saying it was boring, and not creative. Who the fuck paints fish? (well…I do….but…..)
He yells at me when I’m weak and smoke cigarettes. Not like friendly, “are you sure?” but like “fuck that that’s fucking disgusting, I thought you were stronger than that,” which really isn’t a good way to approach a “recovering nicotine addict”.
He tells me I’m taking the wrong kind of dance class instead of just being excited that I’m going back to school.
He only wants to hang out when I have weed, want to get high, or have money to buy weed off him to make his weed cheaper.

Why am I telling you all this you may ask? A couple reasons I suppose….
the first being the piece of nicorette chewing gum in my mouth. I am trying to let go of all the things that are bad for me. I’m trying to rid myself of the unhealthy habits I’ve picked up after years of being lazy and thinking myself indestructible. But I have moments of weakness where I look at my hands and realize I am human and I am doing the best I can. So I have come to the point in my life where I am willing to forgive myself for minor mishaps, like a cigarette when I’m drunk, or tears when I’m sad, and if he can’t, well then we can’t be friends.
The second reason is that I want to be able to read this later, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week, maybe two months, and remember why I decided our friendship has come to an end. I want this short note to stir feelings in me that I have pushed away along with his friendship that put me right back in the angry place he leaves me.
Reason three: Every time I go to LA, my friends up there tell me to cool off, chill out….”you need to kick it kitty, fucking Kai’s really getting to ya huh?” Tye n9ne would say, and I would say “what do you mean?”
“every time you see this motherfucker, it takes three days of being by yourself or with other GOOD people for you to lose that tone in your voice, that angry bitter tone that takes over every sentence, and makes it ugly.” Reason three? His angry moods, and tones, and behavior rub off on me. I’m a gentle, fragile soul, and his hatred for life is catching. The only way he hears you is if you speak in angry tones, loud, demanding, brutal tones, that while displaying shades of honesty, showcase cruel and unnecessary truths. I’m hard enough on myself, and I am sad enough about this past year. I don’t need some angry fool helping me to be angrier.
Reason four? I’m beginning to feel like a battered wife…..not in the “he beats me physically” sense, but mentally, yes. He is incredibly abusive. Any of his x girlfriends will tell you the same thing. I don’t need someone to beat me down all day. I don’t need someone telling me my artwork is shit, I know I have a long way to go, please don’t say I’m not creative because I do what I can, and for christsake, what more can you ask?
Reason five? I would rather be alone, with a thousand cats and bamboo plants to keep me company than spend time with him sober. That says everything. I don’t mind him so much when I’m stoned, because I can block out the terrible things he says that I don’t want to hear. But when I’m sober? No, no complacency, no rolling over. I just get pissed. I don’t want to be friends with people that I wouldn’t kick it with sober. Because I like being sober. I like who I am, and I enjoy my life. He brings an ugliness to the table that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I don’t ever want to mask my feelings with drugs….even if it is just pot.

Why is this all coming to light?

Because life is fucking short. Life is so fucking short. It could be over in the next ten minutes. the next ten days. the next ten years. Nobody knows, and because of that I want to surround myself with only the most positive, beautiful, joyful people I can. That isn’t to say that I’m gonna bounce when times get tough, or some fair weather bullshit, but I do expect the people in my life to be generally happy people. Because life is a generally happy thing. In fact, even through all this death and trauma, there is a silver lining to my clouds. Tye n9ne still cracks a smile at the mention of Moonshine, even though she is beyond this world. Mr. X always found something positive in Danny, even though the guy had pretty much given up on himself. Even my fucking agent, who is notorious for being a cold hearted monster (who, conversely, I admire and not just because he has made me hundreds of thousands of dollars) can find some beauty and some worth in even the nastiest raunchiest ickiest bitch….and he’ll even make her some $. Even HE can see the beauty underlying it all. Even HE is happy.
Our lives pass with the clouds, one moment they are here, storming in the sky and raining on our parades, and the next, blue skies and sunshine and it’s over. I don’t want to look back and think, “why on earth did I let this guy get to me?” If we hadn’t been friends for so long, I would have cut him years ago. I would have ended it when he began to resent me for developing a cocaine problem.
Well, I’m done now. I don’t want to play anymore, and the decision, although sad, does not make me sorry. Its like I’m closing a chapter of my life. I’m leaving all the pain and sorrow of the past year in the past. Where it belongs. The lessons will follow me throughout life; love life, let love, and let go. But I will not allow something so hateful steer my ship into the future. I will not allow one mans anger and spite change the expression on my face when I wake up. I am cutting all hateful, resentful, and angry people from my life. I don’t care if I have to start remaking friends at zero…..
But I’m not. And its that juxtaposition that makes me aware of the people still in my “circle”. its that contradicting vibe that permeates my skin, and my soul. There are millions of wonderful beautiful people in this world, and most of them will be down to be friends with me.
I refuse to let myself believe any longer that because of the “time span” of our friendship, it has to continue. Because it ended a long time ago. Shame I just realized it now.