The age old desire. the need for everything…..my cake, and eating it, and rolling in it, and possibly having sex in it, on it, around it or near it. Speaking of cake, I had the most amazing Chocolate Lava cake from my favorite wine bar (right down the street from my casa), and boy was it good. So good in fact, that I wish I could throw it up and eat it all over again. But that would mean I am bulimic and that’s just not my thing.
But back to my mission…
Sitting at dinner last night with an old friend, Jack Careawhack, I realized just how much I love SD. I love the air, the attitude, the people, my place, the ocean, the feeling, I love everything about it down here. LA eats me alive. Am I really going to move back? I feel like I have to! But is it just a feeling? I have been known to be very impulsive. Yes, incredibly impulsive, so much so that it actually drives the people that know me best absolutely nuts. But they deal with it in the same way I do. Brush it off. Nod nod nod. Yes, pf, whatever you want. you will change your mind again in 20 minutes, but for the next 20 minutes, yes, that sounds like a great idea! Should I stay or should i go?
Should I keep the place in SD as my retreat? for when I feel like waving my white flag and running for the waves? Should I be realistic and just live in one place? I went nuts when I lived in LA. Absolutely freaking nuts. A large problem when I lived in lala, was that I lived with Tye n9ne, and that kid is just an animal. Drinker. party machine. good most nights, but it killed me always having people over up in the casa, I felt a little crowded, even though I had the dopest house and the perfect back yard, and well, everything. Especially the art set-up. fucking perfect. here? No set up. I can’t throw paint around because I have nice wonderful wood floors (as opposed to my cement floor garage). I need to think. Think flame think. you need to really think this one out, no action yet. just let the thoughts and possibilities run over you, and then….when the time comes, decide. Decide right. Decide what will be best for you.
The problem is, my lease here is up in March. End of March I have to decide whether I will split my life, as it is now, or if I will move it all back up there. Well, not me doing the moving, I’m hiring peoples, fuck all that moving shit around. I’m over that.
I will give it till March before I commit to a decision. Maybe I should sign another 6 month lease to keep me in here through summer, and then at the end of summer, I can decide for goods. Then in the meantime I can get a nice little furnished studio up in the la, and that will be my haven. Is it too greedy for me to want both? Is it too greedy of me to take both? am I already far beyond being able to ask that question with my stupid Mercedes and phat house?
Any advice folks?

Finally got to sleep in my own bed last night. Not that I mind sharing a bed with the very lovely sexy man I’ve been sharing sleeping quarters with, but there is nothing like being able to stretch out and sleep like a starfish (arms out, flat on my tummy, legs kicking out, face down ahhhhhhhhhhhh). And my cat always goes nuts when I get back. She’s siamese so, she can’t really meow like your regular cat. Its more of a ma, ma, ma, and then she follows me around the house ma ma ma-ing, and then into bed where she crawls on my head, and then snuggles in like a spoon, and then back walking on my head and ma ma ma-ing and then back for some more spoon action. I couldn’t sleep until like 3am. Tossing. Turning. Singing Murs “Silly Girl”. Someone post it as a reply to the last blog I wrote, but I erased it in a rash moment. I should have left it it, it was from some dude named 99 problems, but (penny Flame) ain’t one. I feel like I should have left it because he was wrong. Wrong. Murs would have been honest, and not led me on. And he probably wouldn’t have lied to his lady. That being said, you won’t ever hear that boys name out of my mouth again (not Murs, I still love love love murs and probably will till the day I die). not in anger. I’ve left that. Let it go. Didn’t really invest enough of myself emotionally to be heartbroken, so here I am, back in San Diego, and excited for a new day. And a new sexy man.

hmmmm……where should I find him? I wish the cannabis clubs were open down here. I always meet such nice boys in the pot stores. Last time I went shopping in LA, I met the cutest boy and played a couple arousing games of chess. Chess you ask? Why yes, what a perfect stoner sport. unless of course you’re playing speed chess in which case you are probably a lot quicker than me, and a bit more clever. Maybe I just don’t like to commit, and that’s why I can never move my pieces with the quickness. I like to think it all out, play out different things in my head, and when you’re sitting in the pot store, smoking a blunt with a stranger (who is now officially a friend), you find you want to relax into it. Take it mellow. Not that I move any other way.

Maybe I should join eharmony, or match.com. When my webmaster and his lady broke up, he jumped on match, and found the most lovely woman. They have been dating strong ever since. And all stoked on eachother. Then again, I guess you have to know exactly what you want in a significant other if you are going to take that road. No, suppose I can’t do that. Besides, thats really a lot of effort for some dick that I’m just kind of over chasing.

Maybe I need to just fly solo for awhile more. I’ve been single for quite some time, and its been working quite well. Why do I feel like I need someone in my life? Would it prove that I am worthy of loving? no. Would it make it easier for me to sleep at night? Not a fucking chance in hell! If anything, it would keep me up later because then I’ve got this dude running through my mind and sometimes, a boyfriend (or girlfriend) will just drive you crazy. Absolutely fucking crazy. Which is fine, if that is where you are trying to go. But not I, my friends. Not I. I enjoy the sane world and wish to continue living in it, at least for awhile longer, till I decide to have children or some other drastic change that makes your life upheave and your “me-time” turn to “no-time”. Besides, what is the best part about being involved with someone? A STEADY FUCK? hehehe…..yeah……that is what I always thought. Which is probably why my relationships don’t go to well…..hahahahhahahah. Oh god flame, you’re so right on this morning it is amazing.

I did the best scene yesterday for Naughty America. It was great. There was this fine ass MILF named Morgan Ray who is my, Eva Angelina, and Nikki Rhodes drill coach. We are all stretching it out in the Naughty America gym when she comes in yelling like all hell, way too intense and mean. So while she is yelling at us, the girls basketball coach, Coach Christian, comes in to say hello. Morgan starts yelling at him about what a loser he is, coaching girls basketball, and he says “suck my dick”, to which she starts yelling “Oh you think I won’t? Girls let me show you how a champion sucks dick!” and then, of course, dick sucking ensues. It was the first time Naughty America ever shot a 5 person orgy, way to step it up NA, and it was great because being the cheerleader I am, cheering on my girls while they took Christians dick was almost second nature.

Carly Parker was there on set with us for most of the day. Poor thing, her fucking house flooded during yesterday’s dreary rain storm. Well, technically its Demi and Randy Spear’s place, but Carly rents a room in it, and well….talk about shitty. The whole backyard just kind of floated into the middle of Canoga ave. And then part of the house started floating away. All of LA floods when the rain starts, because the city is just not made rain. Not enough storm drains, not enough ways for the water to get to the river. And the LA river was higher than I’ve ever seen it before. Insane kind of. I wanted to get a raft and go down, but of course Darby, my agents right hand man, and my driver to the NA set for the day, said “No penny, you have to go suck dick. You will have to arrange a rafting trip down the LA river another time.” Fine. I will. Maybe I’ll meet a nice boy while rafting down the river. That would be nice.

No, maybe I will meet one when I go out to see my momma. She got me a ticket out to see her at the end of February, and to be honest, I am so excited. It is exactly what I need, a little mom time. Her hugs always make me feel better. I haven’t seen since June and it makes me feel unhappy face. She is such a large part of my life, I hate that she is out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I mean I like it when I get to be out there with her, but I hate that I can’t just drive to my moms house and get a hug. Maybe I will go down to the Naughty America offices in San Diego and collect hugs from them instead. They always make me feel special.

Well, I’m excited about today for a couple reasons. I finally have the inspiration to paint again. That frustration and angst I have been burying like my french press pushes down the coffee grounds can finally come out on a canvas. The inspiration, motivation and time are all available to me now, and today I will capitalize on it. I will enjoy whatever little upset feelings I still have inside, and work them out with oil paints and a brush. And I am going to work out too, in that hard core way that being highly motivated to look better than I ever have goes, and then I’m going dancing tonight, downtown. Dance the night away. It is going to be a good day. But then again, isn’t every day?

I’m going to go see what Christian said about our day on ChristianSingsTheBlues.com. Fucking bloggers obsessed with blogging. Life of some sort? naw, not me. not me.

It started with a kiss. Anybody who has read my blog knows that this is about my most recent fantasy man, Diamond. Diamond and I have been off and on for awhile now, more off than on lately, but with the power of text messaging and a couple days spent together here and there, it made me feel like there was something worth working for. Something to aspire to, and possibly a future relationship. All of that is now dead in the water, and thank god its now before I really allowed my heart to fall in love, and my mind to forgo all reason and logic (as those in love often do.)
I found out last night, as I was leaving Diamonds house, that he has…..a girlfriend??????

and I’m not going to rant about Diamond, or go off, because that last simple sentence did it all.

I will do this. Apologize to his girlfriend. I never would have went after him if I had known. I never would have pursued, or lusted after, or spent time with, or thought about, or fucked if I had known. None of these things would have happened if he had been honest with me about her because I don’t get down like that. I have cheated on enough people in my life to have terrible karmic luck when it comes to all my future relationships, and thats just not me anymore. I’m not scandalous. I’m not a lying two faced whore anymore….
I was. I admit it. But not anymore. I haven’t been for a long time, actually since my last civilian boyfriend, the one who helped me get clean and who I shamelessly fucked over. I will never cheat on someone again. And I won’t participate in cheating because it makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me physically ill. So last night, when I showed up at his house, (as planned) for a dinner that didn’t end up happening, I was fine with sitting downstairs while he was on the phone with someone. I was fine sitting downstairs while he got some work done. Shoot, I was even fine waiting till all hours of the night to go out to a nice meal. But as soon as I found out he had a lady, I was out. Double out. And not in a nice way. Fuck him…..

And I come to find out that he’s on the phone with her lying about me being there, denying any association with me, and especially denying it started with a kiss….part one two and three.

I’m sorry girlfriend. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight, maybe we both should clean out our closets. If you wanna holler, and go out for a drink, you know how to get in touch with me. If you read this. If not…..good luck. Hope it works out better for you than me. and I honestly mean that.

Diamond? Never again. You’re straight back to Mr. X. Right where you should have stayed.

In fact, I may have to say I’m feeling downright horny. It seems like its been a long time since I’ve gotten down and dirty and been properly fucked. Like I good 45 minute session, where its just hot and heavy. Sweaty and exhausting. Interesting. I’m not quite sure what to do with this actually. I’m in SD, all on my lonesome, and really there is just nobody down here that I wanna fuck. I mean, I haven’t met one yet, not that there aren’t men to fuck because lord knows there are fucking plenty. I just don’t want to deal with going out and doing the whole, Hi my name is….
Should I hire a male escort? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh god, it actually crossed my mind. But then I might as well just hire a male pornstar if that is where I’m gonna go cuz i know what I’m gonna get, and then I should probably film it for you guys to watch on here, and then realistically, I don’t think many of the guys would care about the money, so no, I think I’m going to have to say no to the male escort thing today. And all the male pornstars I know that would be down for a quicky are up in LA, and not here, in my living room.
GOD. Why doesn’t dick just fall out of the sky when you need it ya know? How frustrating. I’ve already masturbated like 5 times today, and its starting to give my wrist a cramp, and I don’t see how guys can jerk off all the time, I mean, the whole forearm starts to ache, and then I find myself using my other hand to move the first hand, cuz my right hand is better at the grasp then the left, so if you are taking a minute to cum I will probably use my left to use my right, so I can properly service your cock with my right hand. Does that make any sense? I just can’t think about anything but sex! I should go work out more I think, maybe burn off some energy? FUCKING A!

Okay.

Breathe deep Penny Flame san. You know how you can properly channel this energy, how you can turn your insane craving for a nice big cock into something productive…

It Started with a kiss…..PART 3

I look you right in the eye, with a smile on my lips, and gladly drop my pants to the floor. You fall out of your clothes and grab tight onto my hips, spinning me, rough, energetic. New. I giggle and instinctively reach back and touch my wet pussy for you. My fingers are dripping as I bring em to my mouth. licking all my excitement, and then reaching back for more. You feel it for yourself, and then plunge your rock hard dick into me.
You feel perfect.
You feel like a different man. Your thrusts surge with a passion that I haven’t seen from you. With a rhythm that rivals any of my coworkers. You take me quick and make me cum all over you. I can’t help but take peaks at your forearms on each side of me, your words, and your self….this has always been one of my favorites with you. My ass in the air, as you slide in between plush lips. You smack it and tell me to get on top of you, and thats perfect because I’ve been waiting all day to grind your dick into my guts, to let my cum drip down your dick onto your body, soaking your balls. I ride you in a way that just doesn’t work with anyone else. You effortlessly hit my g-spot with each circle, with each push. I cum so many times I start to see blurry, shake, convulse.
You spin me around and put me on my belly, my legs closed tight, dripping with juice.

Slowly, your dick tip touches my butt cheeks, then to my thighs, sliding up skin until tip kisses lips, parts, then takes. It hits perfectly. Again, I look to your strong arms on each side of me, and I kiss your hands as you take and own every single part of my orgasm drenched cunt. I thank you for the times you’ve made met cum, let me cum, kept me continuously in a state of orgasm. I tell you I’ve missed your dick, and your dick giving abilities. I hear you sip the air, small excited breaths that make my heart flutter. It feels like fireworks going off in my body, every muscle screaming for you to cum for me, please, cum for me baby, its all I want. You make my pussy so crazy, you just have to….cum, cum please please please……cum for me. Its all I want. I want to please you, and make you happy and be the woman that makes your dick cum over and over and over again.

And you do, flipping me over on my back so you can spray your hot sticky jizz all over my tits, flushed from an insane fucking session. I taste you, and you taste different. Clean. Your sweat is different. everything is so sweet, and pure from you, I taste you again before I clean up, not sure if you notice, don’t really care.

I feel like this whole month has just been on blast. Constant, full throttle, no breaks, no breathing, just time to move forward. Which is exactly what I need. Over the past two months, I have felt things crumbling at my fingertips. My friendships, friends, work, living situation, general happiness,… every aspect of life has come under such scrutiny, and questions arise with every move made. That being said, I had an interesting day. For a couple different reasons….
I just got a ton of bookings for these upcoming two months, and I know that it won’t stop there. This is going to be a good year, I feel it in my bones. In my boner. hahahha….no, but seriously folks, I gotta good feeling. Beyond work, but more in terms of the career. And I don’t want to shy away from the good thing I have going. I think its time I work on getting a place in LA (even if its just to rent a room in someone else’s place). I feel like I’m not able to be a large part of my job. Because being away from it made me realize how much a part of it I have become. Its Not the party, not the crazy side of being a porn star, its more being available to your work. I realize that its just too far to commute, and it wears me out, and spends money unnecessarily. I could just use all the money from my train rides to pay for a room, and then I’d get to spend those hours previously in transit, and I could start doing yoga more and relaxing. And I will keep my San Diego places for anytime I have two days off together, and come here all the time, but I’m just going to have to live in both places. I am both places. These are my sides.
Now all I need is a dope spot in the Oakland Hills and I would be stupid happy.
Straight California girl….

Another thought I had is that I’m not going to realistically be able to attend school this semester. It was a bit of a rash decision, and although it was great in that it broke the ice as far as me going back, I don’t really want to go to school down here. I’m thinking I should shoot a bit closer to work, I mean, it made sense to me on the train down, if I have one thing that keeps me in one place, why don’t I try and schedule two things in that one place. I can’t be running up and down southern california trying to fuck everyone and learn something. Its too much motion. I need to treat SD as it is for me. A vacation. Los Angeles is my job. San Francisco is my heart. So I am thinking about withdrawing from this semester, and enrolling in the fall up in the valley. UCLA perhaps? Before I start making commitments, I need to sit down and decide what I want to spend my time, energy and money on, and I can’t just rush into things with my head down. Not knowing where it is I’m trying to go. It’s like getting on the 101 and trying to go to work but not knowing what town I’m fucking in. Can’t do it.

Two more brief thoughts, and a closing story from the train station.
I am going to try my hand at a script. I figure, hey, silly funny porno script can’t be too hard right? I mean fuck, writing about sex, fucking, lying, cheating, fucking some more, story story story, I’m in enough of em right? Took a screen writing class once, at UCSD, actually sat in on it, couldn’t get credit cuz I wasn’t enrolled but the teacher was dope and extended the personal invite, so fuckit, scoot over, lemme sit down. Got the style down. Good with dialogue. Maybe? Why not? Maybe even just to have something to do…
I would like to start directing again at some point. Why the fuck not right? I had a great time doing shit for Shanes World, and just because an issue came up, I shouldn’t nix it off my future to do list. I had a great time. Man. It would probably work even better if it wasn’t all about getting fucked up, and now that I’m not really getting that fucked up, it would be that much easier. Brilliant. Now the question is…..who’s gonna let me But really, thats not the approach I am going to take. I’m going to sit back and chill and I think what will come will come, and if the opportunity doesn’t arise, then its a sign that things are as they should be.

I Had a strange moment at Union Station tonight. Upon entering, one couldn’t help but notice the guy in hand cuffs right outside the traxx care. Behind the cafe is a small sitting area where a mexican guy is chillin with two little white freckly lookin kids. I go get my ticket, and then back to traxx for a goodnight glass of syrah pre-train. Well, I start sipping my wine, back to the whole situation, (drug dogs kind of make me nervous, not even because I had anything, but just because i feel guilty, usually am hahahah), and the little boy starts flirting with me. He’s like 6 years old, and all smiles, and his little bro who’s about 3 is passed out on the Mexicans lap. I smile at the guy, flirt with the kid (funny ugly face contest, he beat me ten times in a row, and then he started blowing kisses) and the Mexican guy tells me while nodding at the guy in cuffs, “that’s their dad….I kinda got stuck watching these little kids. I just can’t leave em”. So I have the 6 year old (sean) come over by my chair and hang out for a little bit, figure give the guy a break. Sean tells me his moms in jail, and I tell him my moms been to jail too. he smiles, and looks up at the ceiling, which brings me to look at the ceiling, just as he says, “look, I got you flowers”, talking about the tile flowers in between the wooden beams supporting the whole magnificent structure. I laugh and tickle him and say “Why yes you did, and they are just lovely”. Then the kid runs over to his pops, and stands in front of him and puts his arms out, telling the cops “thats my dad”.
The Mexican said the guy just went straight to the bar and got trashed. Quit watching his kids.

Fucking sad, cuz these were some cool kids.

I gave Sean a hug and the Mexican a handshake, after telling him he’s got some seriously good karma coming his way. I ran to catch my train home.

I won!!!!! I won the two that I really wanted to win….So fucking stoked. Okay okay okay, let me slow down, write you all about my week, here out in Vegas at the AVN convention.
This year I decided that since I had the honor of being nominated for so many different things, I should do my best to stay somewhat sober so that if by some crazy chance I won, I wouldn’t be fucked up and make an ass of myself. Well, it started with the first day. Every other year, this convention drives me into the ground. I suppose its probably because I get up around 6/7am, hit up the bar for a bloody mary, then up to make-up, another mary on room service, downstairs headed to the show there are two bars in between my room and the show, so Id get a drink at the first, finish by the time Im at the second, grab another drink and head into the show. Basically, every year I’ve had at least four or five drinks by 11am. and thats just to get into work.
This year, no such way. There is just no way that I can play like that anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I barely even drank at all in fact. A couple drinks with a homegirl the first night, (which sparked a little hankering for a cig, which of course I fell to, but half a cigarette isn’t bad, and it made me feel like shit for the next two days,), two beers at the circle bar the second night, three drinks (over a period of 5 hours) at the club the third night, and then I didn’t drink at all the night of the show, opting instead to attempt a fresh and sober approach to the evening. And I realized a few things due to the clear vision the lack of alcohol provided.
I was drinking like a fucking fish man. All bad. in retrospect, and of course hindsight is always twenty/twenty, I think I have been sedating myself to deal with a social anxiety thing. Big crowds make me so nervous. I’m just a short little thing and I can get swallowed up in massive amounts of people. I’m okay with small groups of people. I’m okay with people I know. But trying to walk through the Mandalay Bay hotel to the award ceremony almost put me into a panic attack. I’ve never felt like that before, and I think the massive amounts of liquor have helped smooth over the nerves of going. Like, if I get trashed then I’m pretty disoriented anyway and don’t give a fuck that people are around because I will just start swinging if I can’t get out.
Instead I felt like crying. And my make-up looked dope, so couldn’t take that road. Fortunately, Derek Pierce and Christian were there to help me. I held onto Christian at one point and started bolting through the crowd, muttering excuse me and pardon me while pushing lookey loo’s outta the way. My heart starts beating fast, I can feel my throat closing up, my palms get sweaty. Every muscle in me tenses, and I can’t make it stop. Even once we were on the floor, it took awhile to calm down. I can’t believe I felt like fucking crying. whatta baby…
It could be because I had to host an afterparty the night before the show. Wanna know my schedi? yup, here it goes…
Wednesday: signing from 11-6:30 (means up at 7:30 to get ready), only open to exhibitors, and media, so its mellow, yellow, nobody doin nothin. wednesday night went out with my homegirl angel, and had those drinks that sparked that hankering I mentioned. But I forgive myself, and move forward. lights out by 1:45
Thursday: Signing from 10:30-5:30 (means up at 7) open to the public, pretty slow all things considered. Hit up a Babeland cocktail party with tommy pistol and gia paloma, and then to a fantastic sushi dinner with Tristan Tarimino and Colton, both of vivid. After that, ran into some buddies that came out from New york later that evening, and hung out momentarily at the circle bar, where every fucking porn person hangs out and I have been known to run around yelling and screaming drunken ramblings, two beers, and I’m over the night. Go upstairs to smoke a bowl with a good reviewer buddy of mine and the lovely trisha uptown, who I’ve known for years. lights out by 2.
Friday: Signing from 10:30-5, (means up at 7) open to the public, I felt like things were going to start to take off as far as busy goes but not so much. Not so much. Now about a week ago, I had agreed to host my buddy dj rhinox’s afterparty. I had no clue what afterparty meant. I mean… after what? Like after the show? Okay, easy. No. well, in las vegas, after party starts at 4am, because most the clubs close around 3. So fortunately at Emprire Ballroom, The players Ball was the party right before my party, so I hung out with the kind folks from Xbiz, and celebrated like Players do…. dancing on stage with Humpty and Too short, smoking in back with the whole gang. Pretty much made my life being that these two men are hip hop originators, well, digital underground, for sure from back in the days and pretty much where pac got his start, and man, all the rappers grew up on Short. So finally, 4am rolls around and Taryn Thomas and I (yes my lovely little ass hat is back) introduce Big daddy Rhinox, I go go dance on stage for about 30 minutes, and bounce. Lights out by 4:45 am.
Saturday: Signing from 10:30-4:30 (means up at 8, can’t help it), pound down a Monster Energy drink, blueberry scone and then a double soy vanilla latte. On the floor on time, four hours sleep just about killing me. Sign all day, gotta go and get in make-up by like 5:45pm, another latte in between, a blunt and my face is done. Then I have to go from Bally’s to Venetian to get my avn dress and meet up with the crew of hooligans I’m heading out with. I’m wandering through the lobby, full face of make-up, in polar bear pajamas, not giving a fuck. “If i can’t find Vivian, my sexy dress maker, fuckit. I’m going in my Oaksterdam a’s t-shirt and polar bear pants, northface boots like what”….I smuggle myself upstairs into the rooms area, finally get in touch with Viv, hook up, throw the dress on, run downstairs to call franny. Franny fran is my accountant, and one of the best friends I have. Top notch lady. Well, being the frazzled tired fool i am, I forget my phone, avn tickets and press pass in Viv’s room, can’t make it up there quick enough, (it takes about 20 minutes to get from the lobby to her room), so I have my girl Demi holler at Fran through a text, tell her I’m at the fountain so holler, and then the group is here. Into the limo by 7:45, at Mandalay by 8:00.
The fucking crowds. I feel the room start spinning whenever I am arm to arm with people. I psyche myself out for part of it, I’m sure. But sans booze, I just don’t know how to handle it. Arm to fucking arm. Until we get to the entrance. at which point I push through like a brand new baby into the world and life begins. Well, at least I don’t feel like I’m going to die anymore. I walk the red carpet with Christian and this new chick, nika, or something along those lines. Ukrainian girl, lovely to the nines. Surrounded by all my favorite performers, Randy spears and his chick Demi, Derek Pierce and Lexi Tyler, we got the wicked girls, the vivid girls, Kirsten price, and Jessie jane the most adorable tiny Big Texan I know, even little Dave Navarro hanging out, interviewing for Showtime. We are done with red carpet by 9:00, right when the show starts, we do the do, make it down to our seats with about ten minutes to spare. And i have to pee like a motherfucker.
The whole arena is filled with people. The floor has like 15 rows of seats, im about 8 back, and then behind that is tables and then stadium seating. I know when they show the UFC shit, all you really get to see is the ring. Well this place is large and in charge.
On my birthday in 2006, I had the pleasure to work with the fine folks at Vivid on one of Brianna Banks movie’s Layout. Paul Thomas, multiple award winning director, actor, singer and muffin maker, and I get along like peas and carrots. Like Rock and Roll. So anytime I have a chance to work under his sunshine, I take it. Like a little flower blooming.
Best Actress Film….YYYYYYEYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! no fucking way. I swear to god, I had some doubts. I thought maybe me and Bri would get best girl/girl, (cuz it was definately the hottest g/g in my mind, even in that dirty scummy hotel room), but best actress? This is huge. The biggest honor of my entire career. And what do I do?
First I forget to thank AVN, the one company that has been recognizing my work from the beginning of my career. Only the company who’s throwing the whole shebang. From the days when I only did myself, movies like Repo Girl by DP, or Innocent by Ninn Works, AVN has been such a huge support of my work, and the fine reviewers and writers have always been so great to me, from Paul to Heidi, from Pete Warren to Dan Miller, these fine folks have been watching over me and helping to guide my career into the most wonderfully fulfilling experience. Because of their recognition, I have been able to continue down this crazy path called porn.
And then being the tired, filterless girl I am, I say thanks to vivid for letting me pretend to be a vivid bitch, thanks to the vivid bitches for being my favorite bitches, and thanks to all the xboyfriends that I’ve lied to that helped me to get to this point right now.
I thanked PT, and ran outta things to say. I had an entire room full of people, and I could have done anything. So I mooned em and ran off…..
Not very lady like Penny Flame but that is all good.
For some reason, Chi Chi had to play his boy/girls song two times, and I think it ate into the rest of the time of the show. And people were getting tired and leaving…They didn’t do any of the sex scene awards on stage. Very few if any at all. Tom Byron and I had great sex for Layout that ended up getting us an award…best couples film. So stoked. I had a whole speech planned out, (he said he had one too hahahha), and nope. Nope no time. They just rolled the credits on the big screens, and whammo, there went like 15/20 awards. Upload took home a buttload of awards. Layout took home best Film, (fuck yeah), and a bunch of other ones. Stormy, YEAH Stormy, she took home best comedy for Operation Desert Stormy, go girl, and she took home a shit load of others too. Babysitters did pretty well, and John Staggliano of Evil Angel, made a sugary sweet speech for his lovely wife Karen. I am over the moon about pretty much all the winners. Girlies like Hillary Scott and Sasha Grey, bigger than life on the tv walls on each side of their tiny frames.
And I felt great. I am very pleased with the everything, probably because I have always wanted to win this award. I am not very good at expressing emotions in my personal life as any man I have ever dated will confess, (the only reason I can blog is because I feel like it is just going into my computer and nobody is really out there reading it) and being in feature films is such a wonderfully expressive outlet for me. It allows me to feel things at no risk of being hurt. It’s like painting. You attempt to bring yourself to create something that an emotion that fosters the growth of another emotion that brings something out in the viewer and connects the whole.

Now, on the other side of my life, the personal, the social, I felt strangely detached the whole week. Really the first AVN that I didn’t go crazy and get hyphey stupid doo doo dumb everywhere all the time not thinking just moving going drinking consuming monster, redbull shaking morning hands crying ugh tiredtiredtired by day two. It may be a right of passage type thing, where if you can make it through a show without getting totally ploughed or kicked out or in a fight or whatever it is that is preventing you from being in a conscious thoughtful state of being, you might have a chance to be around awhile. If you don’t die doing drugs in some dudes room that you met at circle bar, or forget to eat for the entire week and realize day five that you’ve been awake since day one….
I stayed away from the cats I knew I would get fucked up around, and tried my best to find people I knew wouldn’t be more trouble than bubble. Not tryin to bubble, tryin to work, get through it, enjoy myself. Before I came out here I had hopes of meeting up with Diamond, figuring every year our paths cross and it should follow we would this year. maybe that night the stars were leading me away, perhaps an omen improperly interpreted. I’d see him, and then miss him. Or he’d come by and say hello, and then goodbye, and it was just another thing that I felt strange about. The encounter. Because there was none. And I had hoped, having him out of LA and away from all his shit and his job and responsibilities and out here in the city of sin he would maybe want to be just a little sinful, just a tad, even if it was just in a burger king bathroom, but nothing going. No love for your ol girl PF, ahahahha, I mean, no lovin’. Mad love. But definately no nadaneah nada neayh. And I shaved my legs everyday in hopes.
I just have to drop it. Quit thinking about it, him, anything I think. It just flusters me. Because I don’t understand. Time to take a step back and quit pushing so hard. That was the other thing I was thinking before AVN, is that it would be a good test, to see if the green light is pointing in our directions, like every other year, even the one when things were just strange. Should I take this as a sign?
Now I’m at Hard Rock, chillin in bed, relaxing, about to help host a party tonight for Vivid at Body English, Sunday school. Naughty girls. Listening to Jimmy Hendrix Castles made of sand….
And I think I’m gonna smoke a blunt. And take a breath.