It started with a kiss. A funny kiss that didn’t make sense. A kiss that meant so much more, and stood simply as an open door. It started with a kiss, and that one little kiss, (and almost two years of emotional devotion (positive or negative, both parties must admit to thoughts of the other, although being only half the party, I can truly only speak for myself….))led to more than anyone expected.
The first kiss happened years ago, in a Las Vegas hotel only steps outside of an elevator, the first encounter merely around the corner. The 22nd is what I would refer to as our second encounter. That is where I leave the reminiscing, in the past. Except for the second encounter. It was new. fresh. and although the same in so many way, entirely different. Allow me to expand….
We never ended up going snowboarding. In fact, now that I think of it, I don’t really feel like that was ever his intention. NOt that I really give a fuck, like I said, I just wanna see the guy. But this was interesting because Normally he is very by the books, very, “oh this? this time?” then at that time we go and do, well, that. iThis time, I showed up and his windows were open. Not just metaphorically either! Oh no, he has opened the windows of his home because “you have to have fresh air. Stale air is no good. No good at all,” to which I must agree with, and smile (inside, don’t let him know hahahhaha, fuckit too late) because that fresh air is so clean, and you can feel the difference, just on the patio with the screen door drawn.
I ring the bell.
No answer.
I ring again.
Nadda.
FUck it, I’m about to go in this bitch, and I call out in a sugary voice “I’m entering your casa, so…..beware…..”and then I try my hand at the door. Nope. Instead of being a normal girl, and going through the front door, I decide, “why not enter through the door he left open? Why not? Its already pretty much open right?” Grasping the screen door, I underestimate my own strength, ha ha ha, and end up throwing the whole fucking thing off track. Whatever, I break things. He is used to my awkwardness, at least I hope so, lord I hope he’s used to me breaking, bumping and just generally fucking things up. The lord Buddha did not create me as a gentle creature, and I have a habit of destroying all things I come in contact with, as many ex-boyfriends will testify to.
whoops.
He hears my lousy entrance and comes down the stairs like a man who knows his reckless careless and clumsy lover has just returned, wait, through his open door????GOD THE FUCKING BEAUTY BEHIND IT ALL.
no, just funny. I’m a little perved off some wine, I apologize, you are about to get the honest brutal ugly pretty careless reckless truth of that day, and I just don’t have the patience tonight to censor myself, not even a little just for myself tomorrow. I don’t even give a fuck. I’m just gonna, “Let It all Out”, as someone fancy would say about having two glasses of wine and then well, actually I don’t know where that whole story was headed so let me focus, and here we are back at our kiss. nope, past that. okay, no snowboarding, check, I break his door, check. Ahhhh yes. Three days before christmas he has to do a little shopping, which is fine, because he has already pretty much thought it all out and knows exactly what needs to be done. I’m down for whatever, so we go to Best buy to look for something…that something turned out to be a toaster, although ALL i wanted to do was touch his butt, (because i can’t help myself sometimes, I want to put my hands in his pockets and feel his firm little booty hahahah oh lord, here it comes), then we go to the mall, and I try my best not to kiss him and smooch him, (because keep in mind its only been a quick peck/mouth/cheek/smile/lips/hehehe/ 2nd kiss.
The day goes by and as much as I wanted to got to the snow with him, I wanted to come home from the snow with him. Nothing sexier than playing with someone you care about speeding down a mountain over beautiful california hills in sunny 50 degree weather, smiles, hot cocoa, and something about the whole get-up, the pants, the jacket, the goggles, it all makes me want to drop my panties and sit patiently on his bed, begging for I think you know what. Its that kind of thinking that gets you and your “significant other” pulled over on the side of the 210, fucking eachothers brains out in the back of his tinted SUV.
Boy did things go through my head on the way up that morning too, so a tad disappointed I didn’t get to see his trim little self in the “sexy time attire of my dreams”……

So after a little food, a little conversations, and a little sizing up, we go back to his house, to “chillax”, and well, I’m not quite sure right now how we ended up there, (thanks to the fine rioja provided by changs tonight, yumyumyum not quite on my diet plan, but still yumyumyum), well, I mean we drove, but i don’t think there was necessarily a pretense, or reason for going there. Just where we ended up. And then we were just watching TV on his couch when I caught a whiff of his Gautier. mmmmmm. I love good smelling men, and not just men who think they smell good, but men who intrinsically smell good, and the cologne only brings out the natural sexy scent, those pheromones, yes sexy pheromones that just keep me coming back for more. I’m laying with my head slightly on his chest, with his arms extended down my body, when I feel a little movement.
his hand took a breath, I swear, I felt it breathe right there. And then his fingers exhaled onto my skin, my stomach, only an inch of it revealed and available for contact. As he exhaled, his fingers gently slipped around me, and I snuggled closer to let him know he is what I want. His hand wanders a bit toward the titty region, and then quickly back down to grasp the hipbone, fingertips nearing pubic line. I have forgotten to breathe this whole time and as he grazes my fluff, I inhale deeply, back pressing into his chest, while my hand slides excitedly down his new body. the soft cloth of his boxers is always pleasing to my fingers, partially because of a minor obsession with soft things, and partially because of the thought of his hard thing pressed against such soft fabric, ohhhhhh…….I love contradiction. How exciting. Its like filthy words coming out of a beautiful woman’s mouth. Unexpected, and yet, exactly what you wanted to do and see and experience. You may never get to again….
As I rub my hand along his thigh and belly, my arm gently kisses his cock, just a rub by, just a tiny bit of pressure on the jeans. But enough to let him know I want to fuck his brains out.
he easily slides his fingers under the elastic of my pants, and suddenly, he is grabbing, grasping, and holding my butt. So being the horny little girl i am, I arch my back lustfully pushing my cheekers into his hands, beggin him for more.
He slips his fingers a touch lower. in between my cheeks and right under my thong, in fact, parting soft moist lips to pet what has long been his, my sweet juicy, excited state of being, existing entirely between my legs.
I reach into his pants for his throbbing cock, hoping that this is really going where I “FEEL” like it is going. I hope he takes me upstairs and fucks me till his neighbors complain.”
“FUck that, take me to the kitchen, and then you can let him eat cookies off your ass while he fucks you doggy style, just make sure he shares the whipped cream”
“RIGHT HERE. RIGHT NOW. PLEASE BABY TAKE ME”.
IN less than three seconds, all these thoughts run through my head, and just as I’m tunring to beg for him to fuck me like the champ I know he is, he demands I bend over for him and give him everything that we have both been going crazy for….”
hehehehheehhe……i need some water, and to finish my blunt while I proof read this. No censor. Just making sure I’m not a spelling idiot, or a grammatidiot, if you must make the words have sex as well you nasty fucker, hold on….

I take it back. I’m going to bed…..no mas tonight amigos

can you smell a trilogy?

it started with a kiss on our date to sushi a couple weeks ago. A kiss and a hug that left us both feeling awkward and unsettled. Unsatisfied. A couple dreams about him, a couple silly text, and some falling stars made it obvious that the proverbial flame was rekindled. I feel it. felt it in my bones that one night driving home, felt that if things are going to unravel, they will do so on their own will, at their own pace, and in whichever direction the universe feels right. And I listened to my heart when it said, “don’t push for this. You will push it away.” So I let go. Tried to let the stars guide me in my choices, tried to relax, and trust in the fact that this man is incredibly important to me, incredibly alluring, incredibly enticing. So we planned a snow trip for the 22nd, being that I was coming to LA for christmas, I wanted to give him my first day in town. I wanted to give him more….but I will get to that in a bit. So the night before I drive to LA, I do the double check text….”you still down for snow day?”
“Duh”
Its his new clever response. He’s bringing it back he says. I’ve said that for years about leg warmers, crazy socks, and the side ponytail, but everybody laughs at me. Go figure. “What time you wanna head up?”
“12ish?”
I find this a little strange because it takes about two and a half hours to get to the snow, and if we are really leaving at noonish, then we won’t get there till 3, (gotta get coffee bean on the way outta town, only right), and the lifts close at 4 so it just seemed a little…….silly. Whatever. I’ll go with it. Doesn’t really matter if we go snowboarding or not. I just want to spend time with him, and have no other excuse than snow. I’m honestly pretty lame like that. Lame when it comes to seducing people, lame when it comes to expressing my feelings, lame lame lame.
I show around 12, just like I said I would, and…..
HAHAH! I’m about to head out for tye n9nes birthday party. I promise promise promise I will tell you all about our sexy encounter upon my return to SD, tomorrow night.
And boy was it a sexy encounter.
x

Recently I had been struggling with some petty shit, mostly involving the “aging process” and difficulty losing weight, some pictures that I saw of myself were less than satisfactory. I joined a diet program and went to bed last night worried about how I would take to it, how I would keep to it, and whether it would work.
I awoke, made my cup of black coffee, 1 tablespoon of lactose free creamer, and went to grab the paper, which normally sits on my front porch. No paper this morning for some strange reason, so I go for the next best thing, CNN in the morning, lets see what happened in the world last night while I slept and dreamt of dieting.
Benazir Bhutto’s assassination flashes across the screen, images of her weeping openly upon her return to Pakistan after years of exile and being welcomed with open arms by her party, the pakistan peoples party, and her people. What a sad day for democracy. This woman had such charisma, was such an incredibly strong person, Musharrefs 3 day mourning period seems silly compared to his declared emergency state, and I wonder about the progress of Pakistan. I wonder about the country’s future, its elections, and mostly, its women. In a place where being a woman is nearly a crime, Bhutto represented the democracy we as americans strive to spread. It is a great loss that our world has suffered today, and now, my diet just doesn’t seem like a big deal…I’m still gonna do it, but man. Talk about having your worries shoved back in your face.
Everyday, there are little reminders that whatever it is I find myself freaking out about is probably not worth freaking out about. Everyday, I am reminded of how short and precious life is, and everyday I find myself letting go of the little things.
I mourn her death, mourn for her people who will suffer because of an extremist group fueled by the most natural gas available; all in the name of religion. I don’t think this is what God has in mind, no matter what God you kneel before.
I will write about my christmas and festivities tomorrow. For today, I am going to respect Musharrefs day of mourning.

after a ton of baking, and a lot of work on something I should have been working on constantly anyway, I am starting to feel as though it all may be worth it after all. I’ve realized a few important things in this week of confusion, sorrow, and loss. I’ve realized that there are very few people in life that I would do anything for. A few people in this world that I would probably lay down and die for (not that that would ever be necessary, but…..), and I realized that these people must at all times know just how important and special they are to me.
The ones who don’t cut it, the ones who I have been trying my hardest to stay friends with…..this is no friendship. There is nothing healthy about a relationship that leaves one starving for kindness, there is nothing healthy about a friend that leaves you angry, simply because they themselves are so angry it oozes from the pores, and attempts to seep into yours. Perhaps I should start at the beginning. And when I get to the end, I will stop.
As previously commented, yes. This year has been utter shit. Completely fucked. Everything that I hold dear, anything that I have believed in, or trusted in has been tested to a degree that no normal person could effortlessly pass. For example, in January, I quit smoking cigarettes. For those of you who know me, you know that I have been a smoker for over 9 years, 7 of those years a pack a day, the last two, two packs a day. that’s over 40 cigarettes, 280+ minutes a day that I had to fill with something other than cigarette smoking. Talking about it makes me want one. So I am going to tell you what happened a week after I quit.
My dog Lunchbox died from kidney failure, from that fucking dog food recall. A week after. Fucking bullshit. I could kill those careless bastards. After that, things just got more fucked up. From my little mental breakdowns involving Mr. Romance, and undeniable feelings for Mr. X, the lack of ability to talk to normal guys let alone develop some sort of relationship that is NORMAL, I have allowed myself to become increasingly isolated and detached. Quite honestly, I have never felt more alone. Then summer hit, and my friends all started dying. Starting with Haley, and (hopefully) ending with Nello, this year has kind of been a downward slope, more of a cliff where happy feelings just jump off one at a time, in a near suicidal manner.
I try and stay positive. Certain people around me allow this to happen, guys like Diamond or Tye n9ne, because they still have that power and hope inside, regardless of the loss. Then I realize yesterday, today maybe finalized the thought, the feeling, yesterday and today I realized who I need in my life and who I don’t.
Have you ever had someone who you have known forever, who has….well….changed? And not in that “we’ve been friends forever, we are growing old and changing together” kind of way? Just more the “what happened to you? You’ve changed…..” This is a man who I used to refer to as a friend, someone who I used to believe held my best interest at heart, someone who although we have seen bad times, the good times outshine any possible stain on the reputation. Well, I have begun to think that those good times were dreams. Times that I just wanted to happen. Maybe it was just good to me? I don’t know. But I’m done with him. I’ve spoken of him somewhere in this blog before, and looking back, its rare that the things I’ve said have been good. I once told Mr. X that he is the kind of guy you can never trust to be alone with your girlfriend, no matter how tight you think you are, he’ll fuck her (or try anyway) the second you close your eyes. At the time this didn’t seem like a problem, except for the fact that Mr. X at the time was Mr. Flame, and so it may have not been the best thing to tell him that you don’t trust him with you lady, me being his lady. Fortunately, I’ve never felt this way about Kai Bleeze, not in the sexy time or romantic, or even lustful, none of these things have I ever felt for him, so Mr X (flame) had no reason to worry about HIS lady because I wouldn’t let that happen. Kai and I have been friends for years, since we were 12 actually, and it was always based more on a family, “you’re like my little brother” type of relationship. We’ve never dated, and the only times we’ve ever had sex, (twice in our 13 years of friendship), we were both so plastered we woke up wondering what all we did. And one of those times I woke up with a sore jaw, because someone decided to get a little rough, and not being the trained professional, nearly broke my face. That was the last time I would ever have sex with him, drunk or not, because being hurt is not my thing, and while he felt bad, he didn’t comprehend the complexity of the situation at hand. He didn’t understand that there is something lurking deeper there, something that was let out under the pretense of drunken stupidity, something that is fundamentally anger. Anger toward women, and quite possibly, toward me.
I let that go, because it was a drunken mistake, and lord knows I’ve made a ton. However, this anger started to carry into everything he did. From the way he spoke to me and other women, the way he dealt with his friends, the way he just couldn’t let things go, to certain subtle changes in his mannerisms, and outlook on life. Something changed inside this man that I used to call my friend and made him into an angry, chauvinistic, and aggressive man, and I find I no longer recognize him. I look in his eyes, and I don’t see the person I used to know.
So after a couple years of trying to make it work, the past two have been the worst in fact, partially due to the fact that he has started drinking excessively, and partially due to the fact that he hasn’t had sex or a female in years, I am calling it quits. I quit you Kai. Not like he reads this anyway. I’ve told him over and over that I love to blog, that I pour my heart out in these things, and being that we’ve known each other for as long as we have, you would think he would be stoked because I don’t have an easy time opening up. (anyone who has ever known me personally will tell you the same….I am a fortress. I can’t share. and when I do, my emotions and feelings are so bottled up it all comes out like a rocket on the 4th, fucking colors and screeches and ooohhhs and ahhhs at the end of it all).So I admit to him that I blog, and I really like it because I have finally found a venue I feel comfortable expressing myself through. I even tell him Mr. X reads it occasionally to make sure I’m okay (which I absolutely love), and Kai just gets upset, says “Thats fucking gay, I’m your friend, I don’t have to read your blog to figure out what’s going on in your life,” but as anyone who has blogged will admit, it is much easier to come to terms with ones feelings through the spaciousness of the internet. Well, he always refused to read my blogs. Fine. Just fine. Not like I want my best friends to be included in what I care about, to know about things that I sit and take the time to write, the subjects that occasionally bring tears to my eyes. God forbid. Just another thing I had to let go. He said he would read it once, after a huge blowout fight, where I ended up screaming “You know what? If you had something that you loved to do and you did it everyday I would die to read what meant so much to you, I would do anything I could so I could share with you something so personal and real, anything,” but if that outburst didn’t prompt some sort of reaction I don’t know what would. And I highly doubt that he actually read anything. He never even finished the books that I would give him to read. Not one. I’ve given him 4 books in the past year, one on Rasta, one titled “The Zahir” by Coelho, one “way of the peaceful warrior” by dan Millman, and of course the follow up to that book, “Sacred journey of the peaceful warrior” also by millman. These are books that have changed my life. These silly pages filled with silly words have allowed me to make it through the past year, have given me hope in my darkest hour, and meant so much to me that no, i didn’t go out and buy him his own, I gave him my books. My editions. Pages upon which I have shed tears.
And he didn’t finish one.
When Mr. X told me about Danny Dukes, I happened to be at Kai’s house. Too in shock to cry or mourn or do anything, I left. Kai offered his apologies but that means nothing. Every time someone in our life dies, he feels it is his responsibility to come with the “truth” and immediately starts referring to said friend as a corpse. A wave of the hand and “oh him? he’sa corpse.” Not quite the person you want by your side if you hurt in anyway, because he’s the kind of guy who will laugh at you for feeling. And then offer you weed or beer to ease the “pain.” Once, I told him how concerned I was for a girlfriend who recently found a cancerous tumor on one of her ovaries, and he says “she should just get them taken out, that’s what I did to cali (his dog)”. Well fuck that, that’s not how I’m trying to deal with all of this loss. It just doesn’t feel right. So I didn’t bother calling him when I found out about Moonshine. And I didn’t bother calling him to tell him about my grandfather. No point. Which got me to thinking…..
Why the fuck would I ever call this guy again? Why in gods name would I want this kind of person in my life? Someone who is constantly unhappy, until someone else’s misfortune is greater than his. Then he may smile.
He was out drinking recently with a bunch of friends, and he winds up running into this guy Adrian, who Kai has been harboring some aggression toward for almost 6 months. and why? During the summer, Kai let Adrian borrow his truck to move into A’s new place. Somewhere along the day, Adrian being human, accidently bumps into another car. No damage to Kai’s, medium damage to the other persons, its all covered by insurance, and everything got worked out, but Kai just can’t let it go. It’s eating him alive, the anger and hate he has for this poor guy, just for an accident. So a couple weeks ago, Kai is drinking at one of our local drinking wells, and winds up telling Adrian that he (Kai) hopes that Adrian burns alive and that his wife Jamie has to sit and watch. The fucked up things isn’t just that he said it, but that he meant it. And so A’s little bro came with the quickie and gave Kai exactly what he needed, a busted fucking lip, and a little blow to the ego. So when Kai wakes up, he spends hours yelling about it, complaining about it, both to me and another girlfriend Rye, saying he wants to go burn down A’s house, A inside, etc. etc. blah blah blah, angry venom spewing from this otherwise grubby hippy looking kid. He says that he’s either gonna file a police report of assault, or burn the guys house down, so being the good girls we are, we opt for the cops. There is no point in trying to convince him that it’s his own damn fault, and he probably should have just shut his angry face, how do you convince someone who only sees red that he is the one to blame here? You don’t. You hope the cops show up and laugh in his face and tell him not to be such a dick. But the cops never get that part of the story. Kai also blames Rye, because she happens to be friends with Adrian, and well, why can’t she just fix this, and why the fuck is she friends with these people and what the fuck? This is every situation he gets himself in. Someone is always trying to fuck him over, is fucking him over, or already fucked him over. And the world just owes him.
He made fun of the fish I painted, saying it was boring, and not creative. Who the fuck paints fish? (well…I do….but…..)
He yells at me when I’m weak and smoke cigarettes. Not like friendly, “are you sure?” but like “fuck that that’s fucking disgusting, I thought you were stronger than that,” which really isn’t a good way to approach a “recovering nicotine addict”.
He tells me I’m taking the wrong kind of dance class instead of just being excited that I’m going back to school.
He only wants to hang out when I have weed, want to get high, or have money to buy weed off him to make his weed cheaper.

Why am I telling you all this you may ask? A couple reasons I suppose….
the first being the piece of nicorette chewing gum in my mouth. I am trying to let go of all the things that are bad for me. I’m trying to rid myself of the unhealthy habits I’ve picked up after years of being lazy and thinking myself indestructible. But I have moments of weakness where I look at my hands and realize I am human and I am doing the best I can. So I have come to the point in my life where I am willing to forgive myself for minor mishaps, like a cigarette when I’m drunk, or tears when I’m sad, and if he can’t, well then we can’t be friends.
The second reason is that I want to be able to read this later, maybe tomorrow, maybe a week, maybe two months, and remember why I decided our friendship has come to an end. I want this short note to stir feelings in me that I have pushed away along with his friendship that put me right back in the angry place he leaves me.
Reason three: Every time I go to LA, my friends up there tell me to cool off, chill out….”you need to kick it kitty, fucking Kai’s really getting to ya huh?” Tye n9ne would say, and I would say “what do you mean?”
“every time you see this motherfucker, it takes three days of being by yourself or with other GOOD people for you to lose that tone in your voice, that angry bitter tone that takes over every sentence, and makes it ugly.” Reason three? His angry moods, and tones, and behavior rub off on me. I’m a gentle, fragile soul, and his hatred for life is catching. The only way he hears you is if you speak in angry tones, loud, demanding, brutal tones, that while displaying shades of honesty, showcase cruel and unnecessary truths. I’m hard enough on myself, and I am sad enough about this past year. I don’t need some angry fool helping me to be angrier.
Reason four? I’m beginning to feel like a battered wife…..not in the “he beats me physically” sense, but mentally, yes. He is incredibly abusive. Any of his x girlfriends will tell you the same thing. I don’t need someone to beat me down all day. I don’t need someone telling me my artwork is shit, I know I have a long way to go, please don’t say I’m not creative because I do what I can, and for christsake, what more can you ask?
Reason five? I would rather be alone, with a thousand cats and bamboo plants to keep me company than spend time with him sober. That says everything. I don’t mind him so much when I’m stoned, because I can block out the terrible things he says that I don’t want to hear. But when I’m sober? No, no complacency, no rolling over. I just get pissed. I don’t want to be friends with people that I wouldn’t kick it with sober. Because I like being sober. I like who I am, and I enjoy my life. He brings an ugliness to the table that is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I don’t ever want to mask my feelings with drugs….even if it is just pot.

Why is this all coming to light?

Because life is fucking short. Life is so fucking short. It could be over in the next ten minutes. the next ten days. the next ten years. Nobody knows, and because of that I want to surround myself with only the most positive, beautiful, joyful people I can. That isn’t to say that I’m gonna bounce when times get tough, or some fair weather bullshit, but I do expect the people in my life to be generally happy people. Because life is a generally happy thing. In fact, even through all this death and trauma, there is a silver lining to my clouds. Tye n9ne still cracks a smile at the mention of Moonshine, even though she is beyond this world. Mr. X always found something positive in Danny, even though the guy had pretty much given up on himself. Even my fucking agent, who is notorious for being a cold hearted monster (who, conversely, I admire and not just because he has made me hundreds of thousands of dollars) can find some beauty and some worth in even the nastiest raunchiest ickiest bitch….and he’ll even make her some $. Even HE can see the beauty underlying it all. Even HE is happy.
Our lives pass with the clouds, one moment they are here, storming in the sky and raining on our parades, and the next, blue skies and sunshine and it’s over. I don’t want to look back and think, “why on earth did I let this guy get to me?” If we hadn’t been friends for so long, I would have cut him years ago. I would have ended it when he began to resent me for developing a cocaine problem.
Well, I’m done now. I don’t want to play anymore, and the decision, although sad, does not make me sorry. Its like I’m closing a chapter of my life. I’m leaving all the pain and sorrow of the past year in the past. Where it belongs. The lessons will follow me throughout life; love life, let love, and let go. But I will not allow something so hateful steer my ship into the future. I will not allow one mans anger and spite change the expression on my face when I wake up. I am cutting all hateful, resentful, and angry people from my life. I don’t care if I have to start remaking friends at zero…..
But I’m not. And its that juxtaposition that makes me aware of the people still in my “circle”. its that contradicting vibe that permeates my skin, and my soul. There are millions of wonderful beautiful people in this world, and most of them will be down to be friends with me.
I refuse to let myself believe any longer that because of the “time span” of our friendship, it has to continue. Because it ended a long time ago. Shame I just realized it now.

I started baking today with the intention of making cookies filled with sugar and love. Instead, the cookies and treats provided me with the only comfort of the day, just the busyness of making them, the timing, the mixing, the rolling.
I found out this afternoon that a buddy died last Saturday night. That was the night that the waves were crazy high, crashing at 15 feet, out of control, and they closed the pier because the ocean had damaged it in such a way that left the wobbly structure unsafe. After an evening of drinking, and a grand finale 5th of Wild Turkey, the homies mikey and Nello decided to take on the wrath of Poseidon himself, and in their board shorts. After they jumped the fence that was designed to keep such hooligans out, they ran the half-mile down to the T of the pier and both jumped. Mikey says he talked to Nello the whole way in, up the last point where mikey caught a wave and believed Nello did the same. Mikey woke up on the beach in a heap of kelp, alone. No Nello.
So he went to the lifeguard, hoping he had seen something. Nothing.
Nello’s friends and his sister filed a missing persons report and waited all Sunday. Nello’s body washed ashore late Sunday, leaving the lifeguards to believe that he had been pretty close to shore when it all ended. Close enough that it didn’t take the 3-5 days they expected. It took one. Nello’s sis had to call her parents and let them know. Both moved down here earlier this year, and have been such awesome kids that fit perfectly into the group of crazy cats I run with. What a shame. what a sad sad loss. I feel so terrible for his sister. They were so close. She has to be dying.
So I spent the whole day baking. Cookies. Truffles. Cakes. Bread. Whatever the fuck it took to not break down and cry. But I did anyway. I sat in my kitchen and cried. Like a big fucking baby. When will it end, this horrible fucking year? Because it obviously isn’t going to get any better…..I mean, progressively worse is one thing. But this? It’s insane! ENOUGH WITH THE DEATH ALREADY PLEASE. They say bad things come in 3, but this has been one shitty fucking year man, and there have been no three’s unless we’re speaking exponentially. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of everyone dying around me, tired of friends getting so fucked up they kill themselves. I understand that life is precious, and am thankful for every moment but isn’t this a tad bit excessive?
And to top it all off, I just found out my only living grandfather is on his deathbed too. So, I’m going to go visit him tomorrow, and hopefully he’s lucid, and hopefully I don’t have some emotional breakdown that will just aggravate the whole situation.
Because I am trying my best to float peacefully through these tumultuous times, but with every death, i feel as though a little piece of my humanity goes as well. Little bits of me that were previously hurt by such things build tiny little invisible walls to block out the fact that I will miss these people. And I try and remain positive, and subjective. And I try and tell myself that death is the ultimate climax of our lives, the only proof that we have lived, and I try and believe that we don’t leave, and instead simply change. But its hard.
It’s really hard, and no matter how much I try, I can’t help but feel like something was lost. Something….

What a little week. Well, not so much the full thing yet, but from Sunday to Wednesday, accomplishment flows through my veins. And you’ll be happy when ya find out why….I just shot a bunch more content for the site! HAHA! yes. ANd whats even more exciting is that my web guy is coming down tomorrow to shoot even more content, and set up web cams in my casa. Just in the kitchen and second bedroom, but the second bedroom is where I paint, and I’m even contemplating a stripper pole, fuck, no contemplation actually, I should just put together a “Pennys second bedroom stripper pole” fund. If you love me, please send me $20.00 at
po box 502427
san diego, ca. 92150-2427
and I will put all the money in a bucket, or a shoebox if I’m feelin real ghetto, and then once I have all that it takes, which isn’t much I don’t think, somewhere around $400.00, then the second bedroom’s coolness will grow and grow and grow, as will my awesome power of pole tricks, and other stripper oriented feats. Yes. Stripper feats.
Feet. I’m gonna do a bunch foot stuff….maybe a little shoe fashion show one day?
I’m glad to be home. I’ve been in LA, work monday, confusion and frustration making way for an enlightening tuesday, and lessons learned tuesday were applied to my evening tonight. After a long day at work, 10 different photo sets, and 5 videos, the feeling of accomplishment came when I made an executive decision regarding my immediate future.
Tuesday I wanted to go snowboarding with this man, who is really a diamond in the rough, but he felt like poopoo, so we both figured it would be better for him to take it easy and rest. Diamond has a hectic month ahead, and the last thing he needs is to get sick. But I stuck around the valley with intentions of kicking it, maybe watching a movie. I may have overextended myself when I invited him to the Dali Exhibit. If he didn’t want to go snowboarding, he probably didn’t feel up to some crazy art exhibit that I’m gonna wanna play at all day, and he wouldn’t be able to see it comfortably anyway. But I was excited, and asked anyway. No such luck. Ended up chillin around the valley solo, reading the newspaper at the Bean, doing a little christmas shopping, and playing a couple games of chess with a new friend from the pot store. Finally, I went back out to Tye N9nes house in fucking China, tired of waiting in the valley. Waiting for what I don’t really know in retrospect. But very rarely do I know what moves I’m making while I’m making them. I just go with what feels right.
Tonight, after I got off work, I hollered at Diamond, who was out at our friends funeral. I told D I would stay around to give him a hug before I took off, and then went to dinner with Tye N9nes dad to take up some time. I Heezy, nothing better than pancakes for dinner. After the date with dad, I cruised up to Tye neezy’s again, to watch him open the christmas present I got him. (Raiders Monopoly Set, fucking gangster). By 10 pm, I was tired of waiting. Tired period. I figured Diamond had gone out with some folks fromt he funeral, or had passed out entirely as is his classic style. So imagine my surprise when he calls me just as I’m getting on the 5 south from the 14. Well fancy that you little shiny stone, what are you doing. So I hop on the freeway going his way, not yet knowing where he is, but knowing i’m kinda in need of a hug too. We talk, and he says that he is okay, not too shook up, and if I’m cruisin, keep cruisin. But then he said that he will call me later and if I’m in town we’ll meet up, and if not then another day. Click, conversation fini, okay. What the fuck does that mean? If he knows I’m on the way back to SD, then why make a statement enticing me to stay in town? Is this because he wants me to stick around? Is it because he is just being nice and making conversation? I don’t understand “man” vernacular sometime, and so call my bestest bestest Snuggs.
Me “Snuggs, what the heck does he want from me here? I said I’d stick, he said no biggie, but then said….etcetc….”
Snuggs “Of course he wants you to stay bun, and he wants to see you. You are a bun bun.”
Me “No, you are a bun bun. But that doesn’t answer anything for me”
Snuggs “Bun, it doesn’t matter what he wants you to do, do what you want to do”
Me “rrrrr”

I wanted to see him all the day before and didn’t get to. I had waited till 10 to see him tonight, and it didn’t happen. Its time for me to take a hint that this isn’t the way we are supposed to meet up. The universe isn’t pulling for this to work right now, so don’t try and force it little freckled one. Simply follow the signs, and the forces of nature will take you where you need to go.
So I turned around at reseda and the 118, and started back home. When I was getting on the 5 south from the 118, I saw a shooting star, which I can only assume is a good sign. I’m doing the right thing. I start thinking, what if he calls, what do I say, what if he doesn’t call, do I care, why do I think I have any right to care, or place any importance on any conversation, or feeling as small or big as I deny them to be, the glare of lights occasionally startling me into consciousness, reminding me of the journey at hand.
When I decided that this is the best idea, me leaving and just going home, I also realized if we are meant to be together, and spend time together, and love together, then the world and the energy in it will push us together in such a way that neither can deny. And if it isn’t meant to be, well then we will be split apart, and that will be that. No amount of analyzing, or over-thinking can deliver the answer I want; I don’t know what answer I want. Therein lies the problem. But it is only a problem if I treat it that way. Instead, I need to treat it like an adventure. And be okay with the fact that I don’t know how this will go. This life. As these thoughts danced through my mind, a second falling star danced through the sky.
The mind settled, although didn’t quiet entirely, it was enough to remind myself of this newly acquired outlook. Follow the signs. this lane doesn’t feel right, think I will switch…..good thing too because there were two vehicles stopped in that lane and the ambulance and cops hadn’t marked it off yet, careening down the 5 at 85 mph, hard to tell if cars are moving. Easy to tell how still they are when you speed past, heart racing, almost a fatal accident. Follow your feelings. Quite ignoring your feelings. Admit you have feelings. As I pulled onto the last stretch of my drive, the last 2 miles, a third shooting star broke through my veil of emotional darkness. The brightest shooting star I have ever seen in Southern California, and by far a cap to an evening of omens.
I know we will spend time together. I was stressed, like you know me to be, but I’m letting go. I have been working on letting go. On breathing. and accepting. I figure I will fall into his arms when the time is right, and not a moment before.
Son cosas de la vida…..

so after months and months of trying to get into my own site, I finally figured it out. I’m a bit of an idiot when it comes to the internet. Its like mars …..
anyway, if you are a member, and have been pissed off at me for not ever going into the forums or anything, forgive me. I’m in now. Just wanted to let you all know….
I’m not as smart as I look

I’m fairly certain. Positive. This has been a bad year. You know how there are varying levels of badness. Like say you loose your keys, thats a level 1 bad. No car, maybe get a day off work, can’t get into your house so you stay at Starbucks all day kinda bad. Then there is bad day where you loose your job and get evicted from your apartment. Thats like a level 6, and what I’m about to say may sound crude, but at this point, I’m not quite sure how else to feel.
This week started yesterday, Monday, with a call from someone very special, diamond, saying a friend of ours had died. Overdosed on heroin. On a monday morning, this guy felt the need to get so fucked up that he killed himself. Not only did he annihilate any sorrow that he was feeling, he also killed any chance at normalcy that his 11 year old child had, already being the spawn of a known pornographer. Diamond sounded as in shock as one would expect, and being closer to the former user should be, I didn’t know what to say. He said there wasn’t anything to say, very right. My condolences. Such tragedy.
Then this morning Tye N9ne calls. I’m on a run and miss the call. I always leave my phone plugged in when I run, and check it when I come back, missed call, new text. “She’s gone.”
For awhile now, a friend of ours named Moonshine had been battling leukemia. About a year and a half ago, she supposedly went into remission, and was chillin. I have known a few cancer victims in my life and none of them are victims. Sure they are attacked by ruthless and totally out of control cells, but this vicious attack on their body by their own body has shown two outcomes. I could be very wrong, and god forbid if you have cancer and read this and get pissed off that you freak out and call me shallow or heartless, but this is how I feel. Uncensored. There are two outcomes of cancer patients. The first is a person who “because of his illness” thinks he can get fucked up and screw off his life because well, god already did it, and you know what fuck that he will just kill himself faster.
Then there is the other patient. The one who is empowered by the illness, and uses it as fuel to live a better, more productive life. There is the cancer patient who learns that they have 6 months to live and starts running daily, eating better, smiling at strangers, and noticing leaves falling from red and orange trees. This person is not a victim, and no matter what the doctor says, he will not quit living until the end is the end. These people are sensationalized in story books, and television, and they survive the cancer (in fiction AND real life) because of the strong will to survive and renewed appreciation for life.
Moonshine, for all her beauty and love, for the incredibly touching life she lead, unfortunately passed from our world this morning around 7, and one can only attribute it to the fact that the girl was simply too wonderful for this world. Some people are just a universe beyond, and in the short time we are given to encounter and learn from said person, we must first learn to be thankful for every passing moment. We must be thankful for every heartbeat, and every blink of the eye. Every smile from someone on the street, and every cloud that kind of looks like a dragon eating the eiffel tower. I believe every person meets someone like the girl I have just described. Someone who….takes your breath away. Such a shame.
From ash to ash….
I hope wednesday brings something better

yup, finally going in to dance tonight. After the longest week of my life, its time to finish it all off with the strippers hustle. I gotta learn you guys, I gotta learn. Do you want a dance? Do you want a dance? Do you want a dance? Just keep saying it. Fuck everything else. YOu aren’t going to make friends. You aren’t going to “have fun!”. you are going to make money. So go make your money girl.
Last week started on a sunday for me, instead of your regular monday. I came up to see a buddy of mine who took off to Europe for a minute. So after a fantastic dinner, and some good conversation, I crashed like a light, getting ready for my shoot for Triangle monday. Of course, Triangle is a great day. I make love to my girl Elixis, who is now going by savannah gold I believe, and although we have known eachother for over 6 years, this is the first time we were actually together. The sex was fantastic. Sensuous. Loving. Intimate. I suppose it should be after 6 years of foreplay….
Tuesday I thought I had some work, so I hung out for awhile. Then, finally getting curious, I call the office to find that my job for Stormy over at Wicked is actually on Wednesday, not Tuesday, so Tuesday is wasted. Go to the gym. Go hang out with TyeN9ne, who is actually trying to get his shit together, and spruce up his life. HIs goose. hehehe. geese. Well, we have some yumyum dindin, and a couple brews with a couple of his friends. Next morning, we wake up and mash down to the valley to have coffee with his pops before they start work at 8. I gotta be in at 9 anyway. well, I gotta go by vivid, and pick up my movies around 9, (did you guys see??? 6 avn nominations????fucking pumped!!!), then to stormys set by 9:30, which of course I make in plenty of time. The only shitty thing is that the wrap for the day is scheduled at 1:30. Terrifying. Nobody ever runs on time… except of course Stormy. Stormy may be the only train in porn valley that runs on time. Good woman. She had me dressed up as a cop, and the production manager had to keep wrangling me from going outside and “accidently impersonating an officer”. All I wanted to do was smoke a blunt out front in my cop outfit while directing traffic. But NOOOOOOO. no fun for me. He actually took my gun AND my baton. And its obvious you aren’t a cop if you don’t have a gun or a baton. Whatever.
I drive home to SD, getting in around 1, smoking a blunt and passing out by 2. Thursday, I have to move the rest of my shit out of my old apartment into my new apartment. I have to do it all Thursday. All of it. So I holler at my sister and her boyfriend and fortunately they come through and help me out. We get it all in, rearrange some things to their pad downtown, and have the uhual back by 7:30pm. Dinner. Should I drive back to LA? rrrr……i’m so tired. Fuck it. Ima get my ass outta bed first thing in the morning and run.
4:00a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over smack it snooze it. only ten more minutes mom.
4:10a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over smack it snooze it. only ten more minutes mom.
4:20a.m. alarm screaming. Roll over…..4:20 is my favorite time, so get you ass in the shower, wash that dirty sleepy body of yours, and get your ass on the road. Coffee. Don’t bring your weed flame or you will be passed out driving to the valley by 7am. Like I made it to the valley by 7am. If you live in southern california, you know that the most dangerous natural disaster we have is rain. It makes people drive like idiots, and fucks up the freeways. LA wasn’t built for rain, so the whole fucking thing floods. Sliding slipping, crashing cars the whole way up the 5. I take it to the 605, try to loop around LA only to have to fight traffic coming in from San Bernadino. 605 to the 210 to the 118 all the way over to De Soto, call the office, sorry I’m late guys, will you call Bobby for me? Rush rush rush, flood flood flood. Upside down cars. Jackknifed mac trucks. It takes me 4 hours and 45 minutes to drive 120 miles.
Work, no problem. Brooke Haven that sexy bitch, and a new guy ralph long, walk in the park. For Brassers. Think that’s how it’s spelled. mmmm.
the whole time I had been texting with a sexy man from my past, one who is slowly shrinking due to a new diet, and love of life, who’s name has been changed to protect the innocent. No, I believe his name changed because my perspective of him changed. As Coelho says “He was quite different from the boy I had known-but of course, it had been twelve years; people change. Tonight his eyes were shining–he looked wonderful”. So I watched him for awhile, as he had never really let me watch him before. He had tried to show me a couple times, whether it was pictures, or posters, or even some video, but none it is the same as sitting and observing someone. Watching their twitches, the expression in the eyes when one things he isn’t being watched. The determination that oozes from his pores. Interesting man. Intriguing. Enticing. Never before have I seen him. smelled him. He is new. perhaps I am as well.
After a nice dinner, and perhaps one of the most awkward goodbyes ever (do I hug you and kiss you? do I kiss you then hug you? do I put my lips on your lips like I want to or do I hold back and behave myself like I should? here, let me just oops, those were your lips, on mine, hehehe….okey, let me do that again, oh, cheek, okay, hug hug, um……just run away). I am terribly awkward. Terribly. But he understands. He knows. I am only me.
So then off to the pot store, for a little taste of heaven before I hit the road back home to SD. after a good little session, (my first smoke of the day mind you), I decide a vanilla latte and i’m on my way. Right as soon as I hit the highway I felt as though if I may burst. Full of confused feelings. Where am I going? Home. Why am I going there? because I miss it. And I love it. And I want to go home.
You feel like home.
And so today, after sleeping till noon, the first time in years, I woke, made some peets coffee, cleaned the little bullshit things that I needed to, ate, napped, showered and am here, trying my best to update you on my week. And I feel as though….well….its time for something to happen. Time for something in my life to drastically change. I feel it in the air. In the temperature of my soul. In the ocean, which was crazy today, turbulent, angry, crashing, violent, until its energy was spent, and waves lapped gently against the rocks below my house as the sun set on another day in San Diego.

After not having worked all month, my body and brain weren’t ready for it the week of hectic driving and working and rushing and waiting……that being said, I just got home from my last day of work this month. I left SD at 5am, got to work at 9:45, did the do, had a bite with an oldie but goodie, got some doja and bounced back to SD around 10pm. Its how the whole week has gone, frustratingly fast and dodgy and confusing.
So I just wanted to write a quick note, and let you know that I will tell you all about it tomorrow, after I’ve had a good sleep, and the pot wears off. Finding writing more difficult the higher I am. Fucks me up. fucks up my line of thought. makes me a tad too careless with my words, thoughts.
But now, I am going to turn off all the lights in my house, go into my bedroom and take off all my clothes. The touch light on the night table will be set to low as i slip into my brand new aqua lace baby doll sleepy nobody’s seen and masturbate to the smell of a man I miss.
Then after three or four good orgasms, I’m going to sleep like the dead.
I’ll tell you how all that goes tomorrow too