I awoke this morning bright and shiny at 7:30am, ready and rarin to go. Well maybe not quite rarin, but I am ready. I’m ready to go to yoga, I’m ready to go house hunting, yes house hunting, horraay for me, and I’m ready for the day. My work got cancelled for yesterday, which was pretty sweet, because that meant I didn’t have to go up to la when I have very little time off. And it wasn’t so much cancelled as it was rescheduled. but that is neither here nor there.
Presently though, regardless of the fact that meditation isn’t far off, I can’t get my mind out of this dreamland that takes over once these sleepy lids close. A dreamland that sometimes, due to massive amounts of marijuana intake, isn’t definite, making waking life somewhat unreal and indefinite. WHY DO I DREAM ABOUT THEM????
It seems that all the men I have wronged in my life tend to walk through my dreams like its no big deal. Like I haven’t been trying to forget the fact that I have previously been a bad girlfriend. Like I don’t make a conscious effort to NOT think about these men. But no. Last night it was like a fucking parade. At one point we were all on this massive ship (and when I say we, it is the all inclusive, everyone I know and their mom “we”) that was much taller than it was wide, so immediately I was concerned about tipping. Of course Bud Bleeze insisted he drive, at which point he tried to do a donut too close to the west bank, and ends up crashing, upturning, sinking our big boat of love. Bud always ruins shit in my dreams. Since that boat began to sink, we all hauled up onto another boat, this one with a waterslide. I told Snugs he should drive, because I trust him behind the wheel, and sure enough, every man I have ever dated starts goin down the water slide. Jumping like geranamo. legs first, head first, backwards, all of them with their eyes closed, smiling. ANd me screaming “GO GO GO GO GO” at the top of my lungs like some frog jumping race.
The dream picks up on one of the lovely hawaiin islands from there, and although I can’t remember exactly what happened, its on the tip of my tongue. All I know is that this morning, I awoke thinking about Mr. X, Mr. Romance, The Big 1 (my first love from HS). Fortunately I don’t think the Big1 will ever try and get in touch with me again. I think that he wants nothing to do with me and would prefer to go on with his life never giving me a moments thought again. Fair enough big 1 fair enough.
Mr. Romance had the audacity to call recently, and inquire as to my well being and my yogic attendance, saying his studio is the best best best, and I should go there. I didn’t want to give him the time of day, and didn’t even answer his call.
Now Mr. X is an intriquing case. Its like he wants me to think about him, but doesn’t want to see me, think about me, acknowledge me. He will send me a random text, usually regarding this blog, or something silly, and I’ll be sort of excited to talk to him, thinking wow, we got on so well when we were dating, wouldn’t it be nice if we could just have a bite, or hang out and catch up, or maybe even catch a class……But every time I’m up in la, and I get these text, he agrees to it, or says “sure I’ll holler at you later” and then I’ll text him and to no avail, he never responds. Is he sitting upstairs in his freshly repimped house looking at his blackberrry thinking “now, i could call her back, or I could move on with my life….” WHY GET IN TOUCH WITH ME IN THE FIRST PLACE????
He knows I love him. He knows that (or maybe he is just finding out) I try not to think about him. I try not to long for him when I’m lonely. I fucking try. And when he feels right about it, he’ll drop me a note that will disrupt the settled pond that is my life. He skips rocks against my glassy surface with the intention of I don’t know what. But he does it with the gentle quiet that is his nature, a smile, and that shy glance down toward the nikes to avoid meeting my eyes. Not that he won’t meet my eyes, but any compliment, any feeling of warm fuzzies that I send his way makes his stare drop, and usually all he’ll say is “shuttup man”, with a grin and a peek out from under the perfect condition new york hat.
Should we do like every other man in my life? where we try not to think of eachother, see eachother, want eachother, know eachother? Should we drop this silly text game that rockets us both back in time? Or should we be adults, and be able to BE friends without wanting to reignite a relationship, or even worse, rip eachothers clothes off? WHAT IS THE APPROPRIATE ROAD TO TAKE HERE FOLKS? Because I don’t know anymore.
When I try and push them out of my mind entirely, they jump down waterslides in my dreams, eyes closed, balls to the wall. When I try and be friends with them in real life, I feel I want too much something that is unrealistic, and realistically, to little to survive.
I’m going to meditate now. Have lovely mornings, and namaste

What a busy busy busy end of August eh? I have today and tomorrow off, thankfully get to spend a little time with my cat, and no, not pussy. Back up to LA for a vivid feature, (Paul Thomas recreation of the “Devil in miss Jones”, on the 28th, another gig the 30th. Up to party at the lake labor day style with my best and most lovingest Snuggle Bunny, but not quite last years Havasu style, no jail, no drunk driving, and certainly, no fucking Arizona. But definately lakes and boats, and good folks and good times. Thank god for good times…..
Speaking of good times, I got fairly wasted at some Vivid shindig a couple nights ago. Night of 101 porn stars, some bullshit. Daddy D at the office insisted everyone go, and so I went with the flow. Next thing ya know, all these skantly clad breezies are milling outside this club. Nobody is letting us in the club. So we wait patiently, well I suppose as patiently as porn stars can be. Someone starts complaining, we are let in the club, and low and behold, the bar isn’t open. Turns out when it did open, it was free f***in vodka, and I kept telling him not to swear at me, and fortunately all the free vodka helped me in thinking my joke became funnier each time I said it. He didn’t think so. I tipped him well, hoping he would lighten up…..
He just quit putting vodka in my cups.
Which was just fine realistically, because I had had plenty to drink. And smoking joints in the club didn’t help my intoxicated state. So, long before the club closed, I closed. My drunken little taco shop closed down. And not a moment too soon! as soon as we neared the casa, I developed cravings for oreo cookie shakes and a cigarette.
A cigarette? Those little fuckers haven’t danced through my mind for awhile. I decided I could have one or the other. I went with the Shake.
But this begs the question…..By smoking blunts, am I keeping myself addicted to tobacco? Is it time to put down the optimo in exchange for a healthier means of smoking? Yes, a healthier means of smoking.
Oh, by the way, I fist fucked Bella Donna yesterday. (wow). it was pretty freaking cool.
She may have the most irresistable sexual energy I have ever encountered.

i seem to go up n down cali alot, n im on my way up to la again. workin for wicked today
typing wit one hand smoking a blunt with another.

day trip extended
to summertime malibu
when can I stay home

So I get a phone call from snugs….
“I’m done with these psycho bitches snugs, they are all fucking crazy. They’re so hot when it starts, but then something clicks inside their pretty heads and they go fucking psycho! Snugs, Fuck Girlfriends…”
To which I reply
“I thought you were done with that bitch Chocolate face! You said she gained a cool 30, owed you scratch and caught the herpe!”
to which he replied
“Fuck you snugs, I been done with that bitch for awhile! like a fuckin year or two”
“Well which is it snugs, is it a year? Or two?
“Fuck you snugs, I said it’s been done”
So in my snuggliest voice I ask
“So, there is a bitch more psycho out there than fat chocolate face?”
And he starts laughing, coughing and swearing at me, while I laugh hysterically, walking alongside some sideroad in Ohio on my way back to the hotel.
He tells me, “Snugs, listen, there is this other bitch that just went psycho. But she’s done and gone now, and I ain’t never dating a bitch like that again. AND I can finally come down south to hang out and play with you!”
so of course I start screaming at him for ignoring me and our friendship for some wack ass pussy.
He acknowledges my pain, and insists it won’t happen again.
I highly doubt that.
Snugs is one of my best friends on earth, but as long as I have known him, his taste in women has always been a little on the fucked side, just like the men who fall for me are a little on the fucked side. He goes for the ones who are cute and fun, and a little bit wild. But little does he know that cute and wild don’t really mix. Nope. Not at all if you are looking for a good girl.
Take that bitch chocolate face. he started dating her cuz she was cute, and could roll a blunt like a hooker rolls a trick. Well, she also had some relations to a very delish chocolate company, hence the name chocolate face. Over their relationship, she got comfy, possessive, and (I think) because of the wieght, just lost her noodle. Lost her confidence that reminded her she was tight and the one he wanted. Well all that changed when she started throwing punches at my bun, and getting fresh.
I have to cut this thought off here, and go take my clothes off for some dollar dollar bills y’all.
yup. dollar dollar bills.

So a couple nights ago, I happened upon a chance encounter that made pretty much all my dreams come true. I was on my way outta LA and I called Justice Young to see if he wanted to smoke a blunt before I took off to SD.
Well.
He says “hell yeah girl, I got a homie who wants to meet you anyway, come down to Roscoes chicken and waffles and we’ll do the do”
So I go. and who does he walk out with????
DJ FUCKING PREMIER
Are you kidding me? DJ premier? Um…..pretty much a rap god. a hip hop icon. above and beyond any and all these little fucks like 50 (actually, pretty much everyone I know shits on 50…..so what you got shot in the face homie, reteach yourself to fucking enunciate!). So Premier said that he was giving a talk at UCLA (!?!?!?!?) to high risk kids that are interested in getting into the hip hop biz…..he said maybe 2 out of 100 knew who run d.m.c. was….definately high risk kids right? well, after class, a buddy of his asked if he was down to spin at a local hollywood club and he was bout it bout it. So we are standing in the parking lot (I’m trying my best not to jump up and down clapping and screaming), and he says “wanna come listen to me spin penny?”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? DO I WANT TO LISTEN TO YOU SPIN??????
I’m still starstruck. it was the dopest freaking show, we danced behind him until 3am, then went back to the hotel to partake in my favorite past time, and conversational piece, a blunt.
A BLUNT WITH PREMIER?????
man. I could die a complete woman now.
well, actually, I probably shouldn’t, seeing as how I have to dance tonight. and seeing as how he’s coming back to Cali in a couple weeks, I am going to need a follow up kick it blunt to seal the deal.

I think I have to go to LA tomorrow. I’m supposed to work, for Jimmy Lifestyles, but in lifestyles fashion, I have no info or anything that would indicate I should get my shit together and drive up. Nothing so much as an its still on. Just blind faith. just a hope. man I have a fairly busy month!
Supposed to work the 9th-11th, (think I’m gonna spend some time with an incredibly sexy man. oh man ohman….), back to sd, off to ohio the 14th, dance fever baby, back the 19th, then working for the one the only, Paul Thomas of Vivid. On Savannah’s movie. And guess who I get to do a scene with? Tom Byron and Belladonna.
!
that is later on this month, the 22, 25 and 27. Think I may even just request the rest of this month off. Already have every day that I want to work….so….
it only seems fitting that I do yoga every other day that I’m not working….maybe even days that I’m working. I’ve been attending the 6:30am class, twisting my spine as the sun twists and twirls into the morning sky. Stretching 360 degrees, as rays of light stretch over a sleepy and slowly rising San Diego.
God i love california.
Think I should call the office. She what the haps are…

Within the past couple days, I found out something incredibly, well…..Fuck. I don’t even know what words would describe the feeling when I found out “what I found out”. First and foremost, I can’t in good conscience, share what information I received. I mean, maybe with a couple close friends, but certainly not with the entire world, via. internet. Fucking internet. Well, anyway, someone especially close to me has a belly full of arms and legs. That being said, this is not someone I would have ever expected to bear children, (at least not within the next 10 years, maybe after I’d give her a go….) and to find out so late in the pregnancy, (she claimed that she wanted people to know sooner rather than later, sooner being 8 months), I feel as though I have been a bad friend. my mother felt the same way (a homegirl that goes way back), and I found myself telling her, “it’s not about you mom….” and of course, in retrospect, it definately isn’t about me. So I have to let it go. She’s giving it up anyway. I suppose maybe I am more suprised that she is pro life. There is something to be said for the privacy of pro choice. There are so many children in the system that could benefit by a loving family, as a young woman of the 21st century, I would be more than proud to adopt any child. But I can’t say I support intentionally bringing children into a system that is already packed. I don’t know. It is such a sensitive subject that I absolutely hate to take a stance on it either way, but if I had to make a choice, I am pro-choice. I shouldn’t even blog about this.
As soon as this news of life spread, some energy consuming bug (i think maybe the flu?) took over my will to do yoga, so I took three days off. Deciding that a little rest, and soup, could do my tanned body good.
And it did. I went back to class today, and although I didn’t hit every posture like before, There was that sickly feeling that oozed out of every single pore, and this morning more than any other, I felt thankful to practice such an amazing path of health. I’m not quite sure how else to describe it. Yesterday, there was a desire to attend class, although the urge was premature. Even the day previous, a need. Today, unresistable. Simply undeniable. However, today is the first day where there really was the strength to practice. The days prior were days of deserved rest. Today, a day of regrowth. And rebirth.
Ever since I quit smoking cigarettes, I feel healthier and healthier. Because of this silly healthy feeling, my intentions, and concerns have started to….well, almost develop around health, and craziness ensues, and I am left eating berries and trying to enjoy the fresh air.
But there are these fucking hair dressers (not that I don’t love hairdressers, because lord knows someone out there makes me pretty…..hairdressers, and make-up artist…….not me hahahahah. That’s real though), and they smoke cigs right under my yoga class and I have to hold my breath on the way down and just let go let go let go let go let go let go.
My mind is open and clear like the sky. Thoughts, like clouds, may come….
But they shall pass……