So I made this three pepper beef thing last night….got it out of some healthy smart betty cook book, and I think that if I had followed the directions it would have been ten times better. first of all, I had about 3 pounds of meat, london broil, and I don’t know about massaging your meat, so I didn’t go that nuts on it. So it came out a bit rough, kinda like a jaw workout. But I didn’t know! So I forgive myself. Next time I will research the cut of meat before I just say fuck it and try to do it my way. What a terrible thing I did to this piece of meat last night. I can’t even begin to describe. In fact, I think I should ask one of the guys in my life to teach me to cook beef. Because it was certainly not like chicken. I don’t understand why we don’t put beef, nice cuts of filet on rice like sushi, why did we even cook it if we could just eat it raw, and at what point is it raw, and not cooked, and when does it become cooked if it is still raw in the middle? I don’t understand beef.
I suppose this could also be taken as something deeper involving my misunderstandings of the nature of beef’s cooker, (the man), and how sometimes I just turn the heat up too much, and cook em too fast, and sometimes I just want to let it simmer, on like a 1, or a 2 on my oven.
Yup. I need an beef instructor.
On a different note, I’m working for good ol mike adams at Metro tomorrow, doing some funny feature.
I hope you all have a nice day

I try. I think just about everybody in the world tries. Whether you are old, or young or big or small or stoned or not, everyone tries to eat healthy. Even if we don’t actually do it, we think about doing it, which in some people’s mind is alot like doing it. Like its once removed.Like the cousin of eating healthy is thinking about eating healthy. Which is sort of true really. YOu have to think about it before you do it, and you have to really think about it to know what you are doing….
So, I have been thinking about eating healthy. That and eating ice-cream. rrrr…..the ice-cream made with spenda is pretty bomb, all things considered. but I need to reprogram myself to eat and think about sorbet. all about reprogramming. Convincing myself I like things that i never liked before. Like the whole sushi thing….hated fish. now, gotta eat em. I like em. Tell yourself things enough, you start believing. Neat. brain reprogrammer.
I’m going shopping at Henry’s. Going to make three pepper beef tenderloin.
tender
loin

I got home last night around 8:30 to find the air not quite as warm as maui’s, but damn near. In fact, I can’t help but think of San Diego as Paradise East, and Hawaii paradise west. In flight however, I was lucky enough to read two stories (yes in that lame little book they provide for you in the back of your chair), one about tahiti, and one about gauguin (sp?). In fact, the story about the french man who traveled to tahiti was so arousing that I think I’m going to go buy his journal, and no not the one in the louvre that seems to be the treasure of france. Or that is how they quoted it anyway.
These stories, actually any stories, make me want to travel. See the world. because there is so much of it to see…..its reasons like this that I am thankful for my job, that which allows me the luxury to roam the world like that stupid little gnome from travelocity.
But my hats are way cooler…..
so maybe next trip a bit further west? paradise west squared?
I’m going to go for a run…..a couple miles will do me some good…
xo

I’m so sad…..I don’t wanna leave Maui. Mostly I don’t want to leave my mom, as she is really one of my best friends. I suppose it fits that she understands me so, seeing as how she had a huge hand in creating me. Anyhoot, today is my last day. (actually, tomorrow is my last day, but today is my last full day, my last day for fun in the sun). So what am I going to do you ask? Well, first I’m going to go kayaking with my stepdad and the neighhbor, to about a mile off shore where there is this dope reef we can snorkel. Then I’m going to come home for a little pupus, or a snacky snack snack snack, then its back out into the glorious sun to suck in as much of its energy as I can. I think that yes. Hawaii will be a good place for me to end up. I’ve considered moving so many places, first it was AZ, out into the hot desert, then it was Tahoe, to teach little kids how to snowboard, then I actually did move to SD, (for entirely selfish purposes) and now I’m thinking….”an island wouldn’t be bad.” I think the only island fever that I would get would be that I don’t wanna leave. Because that is the sickness I am experiencing right now. The I don’t want to go homes. But I will. Gotta keep on keepin on until the time is right. Besides, I love SD, and there is a lot of kicking it to be done down there. mark my words though, Before the end of my life, I will be an islander.
And a cute one at that.
The mornings here are unbelievable. The afternoons lovely. and the evenings perfect. All I need is a little two bedroom (one to paint in), and some fat free vanilla yogurt. And some mangos to throw in the yogurt. Maybe some blueberries too. Okay. No. Just the two bedroom. the rest will fill in itself.
I hope all of your days are filled with sun and shine. xo

I think everyone who has read any of my blogs recently would have to agree that there is a certain fan who needs to back down. Now, I am currently looking into restraining orders and I’m not quite sure under what law it would fall for harassing someone online. I would appreciate any info on the subject that you guys have out there. I don’t think that anybody else who comes to this site has such a hatred for me, and I don’t think that anybody else wants to read his angry venting.
Are any of you out there cops? Do you know if you can get a restraining order against someone for online harassment?
Because you are harassing me McDreamy, and I don’t like it. I don’t appreciate it, and if you don’t quit posting on this blog I will take further action. Legal and heavy. So please, this is my last plea. If you don’t like me, go the fuck away.
oh, and have a nice day.
and to everybody else, I apologize for the inappropriate behaviour of this guy.
I’m going back down to the beach. and thanks zeph, you couldn’t have said it better.

So, yesterday morning, I got in a taxi cab and made my way to the quant little airport that resides in San Diego. After the driver made some fundamental mistakes, (for example, driving right through the terminal that I had requested to be dropped off at…) and after I had run all over the little airport (which actually grows in size once you have to cross it three or four times), I finally checked into my flight with Hawaiian airlines, and hopped in line for the security check point. Now, i have been through these goddamn things so many times, I have figured out the easiest and best articles of clothing to wear through in order not to be beeped and end up needing “the wand.” So, in practically my underwear, I made it through security in a short 25 minutes, skipped through the terminal to my gate, which of course was at the very end of the world, right next to china, and the kind lady at the gate had called my row just as I arrived, meaning no waiting, no wandering and bullshitting. Just get straight on the plane. And go to paradise.
It took me a good three hours to mellow out once on the plane. For some reason, I find myself grasping to things, like the follies of the cab driver, or something that Bud Bleeze said to me that just broke my fucking heart. I find myself grasping to the idea that I need a change. A drastic change. A change even bigger than moving down to San Diego, even bigger than giving up my fat full latte for soy protien. I find myself absolutely terrified of what comes next. What am I supposed to be doing with my life. Is this the age where all women start to freak out? LIke a quarter life crisis? Or am I halfway through and this is my midlife? In either case, the more I try and let my mind be open like the sky (a cloud will come, but it will pass), the more I find myself holding on to these ideas that have never really resonated in me like this before. I’m not quite sure what made this change inside of me, but it did happen, and it is a touch overwhelming. Here is a short list of things that I have been grasping onto mentally, that I am currently trying to let go. For my health.
1. The idea that this industry will build my nest egg.
2. The idea that I will be forever youthful and never get a wrinkle.
3. the notion of Mr. X and I ever working out.
4. The thought of meeting someone to spend the rest of my life with.
5. The unknown specifics of life after porn.
6. The notion that because I have been friends with someone forever, we should continue being friends.
Please allow me to expand on these ideas and notions that I have been trying to grasp my mind around.
1. No girl, (or very few) actually make it out with anything to show. I keep telling myself that if I can just open my own yoga studio, I don’t need to worry about whether I make it out with money or not. Because money tends to fall through my fingers. I’m not very good at saving, but I am terribly good at having fun. Hence the trip to Maui.
2. Everybody gets older. In fact, this is supposed to be fun. But recently, I have quit smoking in attempt to ward off age, and signs of it. I have changed my diet in attempt to cut my metabolism change off at the pass. And I have so many fucking anti wrinkle face products that it would make little kids in starving africa throw up their last meal.
3. He and I both know it will never work. I find myself calling him when I go up there (to LA) and hoping to eat dinner with him. I find this comfort in the man that I didn’t intentionally seek. And I keep wishing that there is something that I could do that would make me different, and somehow more appealing. That is until this last time when I went up there, and didn’t get a text back. That is when I said to myself, “Let it go. Its not the way. And certainly not the way of the future.” So I went to a different boys house to snuggle, and was incredibly happy that I did, which leads into
4. I can’t help but feel like I will be the old lady with millions of cats. No friends, no lovers, just a buncha fucking cats and kitty litter boxes everywhere. I will end up trying to get high on cat nip, and never really ever satisfied, I will not leave my house except to get more things for the cats. And when I go to petco, (which will take me a good two days to prepare for) little kids will hold their noses and be very afraid, because the older boy told them a story about me involving cats and magic brooms, and my lights never being on except at a very haunting hour on a very full moon night. And this is what I see in my future. Which I am trying to let go….because if that is all I see, than that is what will transpire.
5. I constantly find myself asking “what am I going to do next? Where the fuck will I go from here?” and the answer is always the same. It doesn’t matter. None of it matters. I was fine before I made porn, and I will be fine after. In fact, I will be more in touch with my sexuality, in addition to never being fooled into a shitty relationship by great sex. Because that got me in the past…..”oh I’ll let it slide, because I don’t think anyone will fuck me like that”. Yeah fucking right. There are tons of good fucks out there, and its just a matter of finding them. And whats more, I don’t need to make six figures a year to be happy. In fact, after my lease is up on the benz, I will probably end up trading it in for an acura, something shitty that gets great gas mileage, and really not drive it too much. In fact, when my time comes, I don’t want to have to drive a car. I don’t want to have to commute. I want to be local. Central. And I think I want to be in the islands. So what does it matter what I do after porn right? As long as I have a home to call my own and a little piddly job that pays my rent, I don’t need anything fancy.
6. Recently Bud Bleeze and I have been at eachothers throats. I take part of the blame because I am going through a lot of changes right now. Some of those are very self oriented, making me feel and seem more selfish than I ever have before. I constantly tell myself that it isn’t selfish to want to take care of yourself. It isn’t selfish to get upset when you tell someone you don’t wanna be around booze and they bring a bottle to your house in attempt to smoothe over the last fight. Bud Bleeze is at the bottom of the barrel right now. He got kicked out of his home about a month and a half ago, and I was letting him stay at my place until the chick with the issues had totally moved out. He was kind of gaurdian over my shit, and in the process ended up getting lazy. Instead of going out and getting another job to suppliment his income, he went to the bars by my house to have a good time. Instead of calling his mom and telling her the truth, he made his little brother lie about his living situation, (something I just can’t fathom due to my mom and my close relationship). Basically, he is/has been making a lot of choices that I don’t agree with, something that I can’t really tell him without him getting upset. Like I told him the other day, “Normal people don’t get wasted every night…..and I don’t want to either” and he told me I was brainwashed by my AA meetings. It is almost exactly what happened between us when I developed my cocaine problem. I suddenly, almost over night, quit caring about everything, and just wanted to get fucked up. I got so fucked up in fact, that I ended up out of a place to live, and thankfully was taken in by an incredibly kind boyfriend, (and I don’t know if he knows, but there was a guy Pete, and honestly, he saved my life. I owe him everything. My sanity, my health, my recovery. And of course I fucked that one up, still selfish from using drugs and myself. I never did get to apologize, and if I saw him today, I would cry whole heartedly and apologize for my behavior…) But up to that point, Bud had quit hanging out with me, because all I cared about was myself and my drugs. I didn’t hear anything that he would say. I didn’t see the way in which me killing myself was causing him insurmountable pain. All I saw was myself.
Now Bud is all fucked up from booze, and can’t get his game back in tact. He said he has drank every night since he got back from Europe, which was over a year and a half ago. He gets drunk at his work, because “its free, and that was (i’m) not spending my money on it”. Right before I came out here, he tried to get in touch with me and make things okay. I told him that he was welcome to come over and talk, but that he couldn’t spend the night. At this point, he got incredibly upset with me, saying it wasn’t worth him to drive all the way out to the beach to talk to me if he had to turn around and drive back (to where he never mentioned). He also said that I should be willing to meet him halfway, to which I replied, “i didn’t want to start this right now, so I’m not meeting you anywhere. And besides that, its 10pm at night, I’m still not packed for vegas (which is where I went right before Hawaii), and where in the world would we meet at 10 at night? A bar? Not a chance. After a few more jousting comments on both our parts, he said that I was forcing him to live in the proverbial streets, and stay at peoples homes that partake of drugs and he even threw in “so you are forcing me to stay with people that do coke, you would rather I stay with drug addicts and users than at your house where you know I won’t drink and get fucked up”. My brutal honesty smashed home when I told him that I don’t believe that he wants to not drink, and what’s more, the last time he showed up at my house he showed up with a bottle of booze and had to go for a “walk” when I reminded him he couldn’t drink it here. (Before this night I told him I wouldn’t be drinking for awhile, because I felt my body needed a detox period, a cleansing of sorts….). He said that I was selfish and didn’t want to help him. I told him its hard enough to help myself, let alone someone who needs serious rehab, and that he should probably call his mom and tell her the truth.
That is where our conversation ended. I won’t be talking about him, or to him, until he gets some things out of his system. And I’m having a very hard time putting his “selfish” comments out of my mind. I have never been selfish. I try to take care of everyone, and fix anything that I can. Granted it comes to a point where I can’t help anyone, or anything, so I quit, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try. Like the roomate with the coke problem. Like him. I feel like I have been trying to help him for so long now that it no longer feels like a friendship. It feels like something, well, something terrible. It feels like no matter what I do, no matter how I try to change my life for the better, he just gets angry with me, uses derogatory terms (and coming from me, you know its offensive), and pushes everyone who trys to care for him away. I struggle enough with substance dependency, and I can’t keep anybody sober or well except myself. And I can’t even do that most the time.
In fact, I got pretty perved yesterday, with my moms and my moms man. I call him Papa. Anyway, it is a celebration out here, my first time visiting her new place, and I’ve had my detox week, week and a half actually. Besides my drug abuse revolves around cocaine. I realized I can quit drinking booze when I decide to quit drinking. I can quit smoking pot when I don’t want to smoke pot. But that white bitch? Yeah. I lose all control when she comes around, and then I end up awake for a week, with a filthy house, and bills a mile long. So. as long as I stay away from that, I’m generally okay. But I always like to check myself. Because its part of my personality to be excessive, and addicted, and wow….
there are way to many things going on in my head.
My mind is open like the sky. Clouds may come, but they will pass…..

There is something intrinsically good about this little beach town right on the edge of America. There is something wholesome, and timeless about the area, the people, whether youbg or old, and of course and I suppose most importantly, the attitude, or vibe of the “scene”. When you are shopping, people smile at you. When you order your coffee, the girl laughs when you laugh, because you both know that it all is gonna be fine at the end of the day.
This morning, I got up, went to the gym, (where I ran 5 miles ), came home to a delish acai bowl, with all my favorite fruit fixins, the off to the nail salon. After getting my nails done, I hung out with the upstairs neighbor, on a little adventure of a bike ride….all around the bay, and up the boardwalk, dodging some of the finest bitches I’ve seen like on my pink beach cruiser. Then I went shopping at the local “au natural” food place, and now a wholesome dinner with an old friend of mine from around the block.
Today is a day, where I can honestly say I am thankful for the life I lead. Today, and days like today, are why I do what I do. For the ability to take it all slow, and at most, a medium pace is the best thing about porn I think.
That and its a great pick up line….hahahha…..
time for some spaghetti….
:)

What an interesting morning its been. I just did some yoga, after a delectable dinner last night, something nice and healthy, and I swear to god you really can feel it when you start to treat your body better. And fuel it with healthier things. So I am very mellow, beach day, not much to talk about, and I realize “hey, time to go blog” and I can’t help but wonder what inspires each blog. Is it the food? the mood? is it the yoga or the nasty gram I got from an x fan? I have no idea. Why do I feel like I should just sit on my couch and watch cops instead of writing? Why aren’t I at the beach, enjoying myself and tanning my little cheeks? WHY IS IT A GLOOMY DAY!!!? and why oh why do I overbook myself. Not that I have more than one job in one day, but just commitment….man, what a bitch.
I’m not very good at writing today. That is my problem. I’m trying to force something that won’t work, not today. I’m just starting to blather. Which is fine, in some countries, but this one, we are all on fast foward.
And today, I would like to take it
s
l
o
w

and you know what? I think I will. In fact, I think I’m going to go and get a new remote control. Because galrsh dagnit, I deserve to not get up off the couch in order not to watch cops. Say I wanted to rewatch the last episode of supranos, (which I have recently gotten into I think in some effort to get close to someone again, and now I doubt that whole situations but I absolutely love the show). or say that I wanted to read a book, and put the episode on pause for ten minutes….
OH YES! speaking of ten minutes, I think I can finish my fucking dumb drivers school now that ten minutes is up…..
Sorry for wasting ten minutes of your life….

yup. heaading back up on the train today. back up to lala, and let me tell you a couple things. First, I’m gonna find a ride to my casa from the train station, then I’m gonna clean the fuck outta my old house, then I gotta do a walk through with the landslizzle. I’m hoping to god I get some fucking money back, because lord knows I put down enough. Let me see. When I moved in, I put down first and last months rent ($1,650) a full month for good measure, and 500 for each pet. so in total, I put down, $5,950. I used up the first and last months rent on, well, rent. but that leaves 2,650 as a deposit, and I would love to get my grubby little hands on that. I would just put it straight to my next rent down here. Ah rent. what a glorious thing to be able to pay (gag, cough, a little throw-up in my throat)….
On a different note, I just went and got a new stds test yesterday, and I’m curious as to whether it is gonna be back in time for me to work tomorrow. Normally, some one from my agency will call me and say “Penny, you need to go and get another test” and I will say, “thank you I was actually on my way to do that right now”. This time however, I’ve been a bit hectic with the move and everything and totally forgot until yesterday. And my test is up today. and I have to work tomorrow. I don’t know. would it be terrible for me to wish that it didn’t come back in time? i mean yes, it would fuck up who ever is shooting me tomorrow, and that would not be my intent. But I would get to come back to sd, and I wouldn’t have to deal with, well, anything really. I don’t have anywhere to stay up there tonight. I’m officially out of my old house as soon as I’m done with the walk through. My old roomy isn’t in his new place, so I think he is at mom and dads….I can’t go see Mr. X, because he is busy busy busy all the time, and I feel like a piece of crap bothering him. Actually, I don’t even know what I feel to him. I love him. But i can’t help but feel like it isn’t reciprocated (spelling bee finalist right?). he could be busy and I could be paranoid, but at the end of the day, I don’t feel like he’s down for the cause, so I don’t want to bug him. Whatever, let it all go flame.
Okay. I have to get my shit together. I need to pack a little bag, and take a little shower. Yes. I will be naked in 5. 4. 3. 2……