hahahah…..oh boy oh boy oh boy I got a letter from an inmate….and I am excited. EXCITED. he said he was in for 13.5 years for selling meth. It always makes me glad….that I went with porn instead of dealing drugs that is. ha. Yeah, and you think I’m kidding….
Anyway, the roomie is gone. Finally, I am comfortable in my home, even though most of my “home” is in boxes. Moving is always such a productive thing to do. You go through all your belongings, and really, truly downsizing. And there always comes a point where ya just say fuck it, and start throwing or giving shit away. That is pretty much where I am at right now. My boxes shit can’t be that important if I can’t even think of what is in there right?I suppose none of it matters. WE ARE ALL DYING ANYWAY.
no, but really, this tibetan book of living and dying is some heavy shit. Really heavy shit. I mean, it is time to face it and all, once you start down that path, you can’t really just stop. Kinda like frodo, in the lord of the rings. these are some pretty heavy lines of thinking for me to get into mid unpacking. But I will return to this subject. I just need to get my life out of boxes.
and yet another deep thought from pf…

So I’ve been running around all day like a mad woman: between packing the rest of my life away in boxes and doing content for this here site…whether its throwing away memories that seem to have faded, or trying to remake something that I thought was gone, I feel as though there have been more hours in today than most. And funny, I was looking foward to seeing Mr. X all day, ironically, he is all I’ve been thinking about lately, and then the little bit of time I got to spend with him, well it just wasn’t enough. And maybe I’m greedy and selfish. In fact, yes, I admit to those two qualities. But most people are…..naturally. Especially when it comes to people we love.
I had the strangest dream last night. It was some sort of dance, and everybody I knew was there….EVERYBODY. It was huge. There was this great big field, with a road along the side, and people would go from building to building (which were situated at each side of the field, seperated by trees and soft rolling hills) either on the road, or jumping up into the grass. And some stayed in the grass, and for a long time, I walked on the stone wall that edged the grassy area which raised up above the road by about a foot. Nothing serious to fall off of. And one end of the field had a hotel, where friends were riding elevators up and down, laughing, I saw Kurt, (who was eating a ton of x), and I ran into my ex-boyfriend from forever ago, the first one I really hurt, the first guy I ever really loved. We haven’t seen eachother in years, but I could still see his face perfectly, hear him say “Girlfriend” in that disappointed tone. I laughed some and went to him, and he pat me on the head, gave me a cd that he made for me, and the gave me this all enveloping hug. I kissed his cheek, and then saw him walk into the next room and hug another girl, I assumed it was his new girlfriend. But that was okay…made me smile even. I hurried down the stairs and to this storefront where an older man was selling shoes. I worked for a little bit and then made enough to buy the shoes I wanted (muckluckish) and then teetered off to find Mr. X, who I felt wandering around somewhere, I guess in my subconscious, and was content. I met snuggles along the way (who offered me a pill, which I politely refused), and he walked me back through this field into the other building….He pat me on the head and said I was a good bunny. Then in the other building, there were no elevators. just stairs, like the stairs you see in “Saved by the bell”’s hallway area. Big stairs, with red handrails. I started to walk up the stairs….
and that is all I remember. I’m going to start writing my dreams down more often…I like it alot. It helps me remember then more, and it’s interesting to look back in a couple days, when I’ve totally forgotten everything, and reread it. Makes it so vivid, I can almost relive the dream just by reading about it.
Anyway, the strapping young lad I wanted to spend the evening with had some work to attend to. Would be up for a couple more hours (and its already late….), and wouldn’t get to come snuggle me in his bed. Not like I wanted anyway. I wanted to cuddle into his arms and rest my head on him, and listen to him breathe until the gentle rise and fall put me to sleep. But I didn’t. I left. I think I was welcome to stay, but I didn’t feel right going to bed (in his bed) with out him. Its not the same. He knows I wanted to stay too….and now I just feel kinda lame. Like I put too much thought into every action I make, every nuance, every slight detail meaning something infinately deeper, more.
So I left. I text him an unsmiley face, (this one actually :/ kinda just unhappy face )
And then I got a frosty…because they always make me feel better.
But it didn’t make me feel better 100% because now I just feel like I should go work out.
when all I should really do is go to sleep and try to see him in dreams.

So, yes, there will be updates for the rest of 2007….plenty plenty plenty a updates. I’d actually like some input on the kind of content you all want to see, so any ideas, I would totally do everything i possibly can.
I went for a run yesterday, a little over 2 miles, but some was in the sand, I hit up some stairs and did some jumping jacks, and now my fucking calves don’t work. Well, I mean they work, but I can barely walk. Why do I always do this to myself? funny funny girl.
and the third little thing I wanted to share is that I will be dancing in Kansas City this weekend. 5/17-5/19 at Bazookas Showgirls. I’m pretty stoked. if you are in or nearby KC make sure to come down one of the nights and kick it with me. I’m always looking for good company anyhoot, deadliest catch is on right now, and I’m gonna get back to routing on the cornelius marie. hahaha…..I”m such a dork. sorry guys dorksville usa.

The more time I spend down in sd, the more I remember why I lived here in the first place. It is unreasonably beautiful. Unreasonably happy. I think it is time for me to stay down here more often….maybe I should start dancing, to suppliment the income. I’m definately going to get the live web cam going, so that the site makes more, and will help pay some things here and there, but mostly, I want to be here. 100%. Fuck LA. I’m sorry to those of you who live there, but I feel like it has been eating me alive for the past three years. Eating my brains…..mmmm……tasty brains…….and when I’m down here, clear skies, no nonsense, no stink of the traffic, or rush of the people, I feel like I can breathe better. More oxiginated….I don’t have my dictionary handy, I apologize for my short comings.
I went to yoga yesterday, and ever time I go I realize more and more how I’d like to let go of the ego. My ego. The I. and I’ve started to delve into another awesome book, “the tibetan book of living and dying”. Maybe I should become a yogi monk after this porn thing….hahahahha….oh god. A yogi monk living and breathing in san diego. What a hoot. Anyway, I’m going to take a later train than I had originally planned because the day is so glorious, it would be wrong not to stay and enjoy it. No rush. Never any rush. But I do have someone I’d like to see…..but I always see him. So I suppose one more day in the sun couldn’t hurt right? I’ll post some pictures of the booty tomorrow….tanned and lovely.