I would like to begin the auction on my bed. Due to my move, and ending may 14th, I will be holding an auction on my bed, yes the very bed that I have slept in for the past two years. If you think I should auction off the mattress as well, shoot, let me know, and we’ll do that too. I will include with it a personalized video of me masturbating in your soon to be bed as well as your very own photo set of me in the bed. So let the bidding begin. I am also going to post it on Ebay, and hopefully it is a success…..
xoxoxoxox
penny

so, after work today, I will be heading down to SD unannounced. I text Moo the other day with “I hope you have a great first day at work”, and then the next day, “I hope your first day was awesome”. After no replies to either the first or second text, I wrote, “Please let me know what your decision is. I am incredibly unsettled, and deserve some sort of solid answer” To which I finally received “I don’t know what my decision is yet. I never would have done this if I had known you would be so controlling” to which I reply “I wouldn’t have either if I had realized you’d be so disrespectful and ungrateful.”
The texting stopped with those words.
The unfortunate part of the whole situation is that initially, we couldn’t talk it out. I would try to tell her how I felt, and she would scream, cutting me off mid-sentence. Finally, in our discussion, I said “maybe it would be better if we just wrote eachother letters since we can’t seem to speak one at a time like adults”. She half apologized, and we cut the conversation there. We have been limited to texting ever since, because I am not willing to let myself get emotionally out of control again, nor am I willing to allow her the courtesty of the spoken word (since we often say things we later regret, I would rather her have to type it with her thumbs so she can think long and hard about what she is saying to her best friend of 13 years) (actually, I don’t want to say anything I regret either so this works well both ways). Yesterday, (Friday) was the day that xboyfriend Steve was going to drive down. I am not sure if he did, but I have a sinking feeling that they are at my home packing up as I write this sorrowful blog. I have a feeling of dread that when I show up tonight, I will be calling the police in order to get this unruly and unreasonable man out of my home.
I considered bringing down strongarms, so that I would be safe from any wrathe he may feel, (or she may feel for that matter) but I decided to bring my sister instead. My little sister is one of the most reasonable people I have ever met, and I am not trying to show up at the casa and start trouble. I am not making an effort here to be menacing, and I realize now after tons of thought and consideration, that to show up with a couple big men on my side may play into a fight, and some jail time, all in the name of a girl who obvoiusly isn’t ready to change her life. So I will bring myself and my sweet sister, non threatening, well intentioned, and entirely reasonable, to confront the situation. And I hate HATE confrontations. (She’s a pacifist walter….I did not know that dude. I did not know that). So if I walk through the door tonight, and the are there on the couch, I will give them one hour to get all the shit out, before I call the police. If I have to call the police, I know this will signify the end of our friendship (until she really does clean up her act). If I don’t, there may be hope that although she is unhappy with me, she will know deep in her subconscious that all I wanted to do was help. Maybe years down the line, if she hasn’t died from drug overdose, or ended up in jail, then she will see how I tried my best. And even that was not enough. Because she did not allow it to be.
So to be honest, I’m incredibly nervous. I don’t have a lot of friends. And tonight may be the death of my longest lived friendship. Lets all hope it rains tonight, down in sunny San Diego, so that the water may wash away any event, good or bad, that is about to take place. And lets hope that tomorrow morning is crisp and fresh and new, because that is about all I am looking forward to see.

The first thing that happened today is that my best friend from childhood decided to throw me under the bus by disrespecting my wishes and boundaries for our home in san diego, and us living together. Part of the problem is that she is a recovering addict. The other part is that another addiction she is recovering from (besides her cocaine problem) is her x boyfriend Steve. We’ve talked on the phone together for the past three months, every morning she would call me and ask me to tell her how wonderful and healthy we are going to be when we move to SD and how there won’t be any drugs available, and how she will be able to have a fresh start on her life. So when we finally moved in together about a week and a half ago, (the 15th), I thought we were good. She invited a different x boyfriend over this past saturday (he drove all the way from fucking texas to see her instead of going straight up to San Fran where he resides), and she got drunk, fucked him, and decided half way through it she didn’t want to do it anymore so she said she needed a break…from the sex that is. The next morning was all regrets on her side, and all sadness on his, because he had hopes of reuniting….no sir. She called me later that evening saying she didn’t know how to get rid of him. I told her to tell him to leave. She eventually did, but after a ton of uncomfortable moments….Two days after that she calls me saying that she found her fireman (another x boyfriend….no not xboyfriend steve) and that he lives only seconds away from us and they are going to watch the sunset tonight. I asked her what the hell she is doing with all these different men, and not properly allowing herself healing time from xboyfriend steve, and she replied that she is lonely, and no they aren’t going to fuck but just watch the sunset. I started to question her intentions, saying “we all get lonely, and in fact, when each and every person on this earth goes to sleep at night (or in the morning depending on your drug intake) we are ultimately alone. and we dream alone and we die alone….so as soon as you get over it, you can move on with life.” she cut the conversation short by saying “all right, Ok, well, I’ll see you and talk to you later k bye….” I was much to shocked to say anything other than a sputtering and mumbling goodbye.
Then I called my present roomate to vent. To try and figure out why it is I feel like sceaming at the top of my lungs. Then I realize that I feel like my personal boundaries are being disrespected and that is the source of my frustration. So I call the soon to be roomy back…..and get a message machine.
“Hey girl, its me. Listen, there are a couple things that we need to talk about, and as roomates, we are allowed to create personal boundaries and limits, and as roomates, we must respect eachother and the limits there of, because if we want to live together than this is going to be how. I do not want you or anybody else walking through my bedroom to go out to the patio, because I don’t want that to be a route of traffic. Secondly, I don’t want guys that I don’t know in the house, especially when I am not there. These are things that shouldn’t be hard to respect, so if you really have a problem with that I suppose we can work something else out…..hope the sunset is lovely, and tell the fireman hello.”
I get a text the next day saying “we DO need to talk”
I call her. Try and explain in a reasonable way how I feel, and the whole time we talk, she cuts me off. Finally I say, “why don’t I just write you a letter, and then you can write me a letter and then you won’t be able to cut me off midsentence” to which she replies, “well, if you don’t want guys over than you will be really upset when I tell you i invited Steve (yes, steve the druggy x) over this upcoming weekend.”
I fucking lose it. I lost it. It was lost. Although now, I have intentionally let it go, at the moment, it all came flowing out. The three months of my motivational speeches in her drugged out sorry for herself state. The frustration of having your best friend dating a man that she admits physically abuses himself, and constantly provides her with drugs regardless of her requests and desires to get clean. The investment both financial and emotional that I have allowed myself to put into us living and existing together, and my beliefs that she really did want to get clean. I end up crying hysterically, (which is a luxury that I usually don’t allow myself), and asking her why she doesn’t love herself as much as I do…..the conversation ends.
Later that evening, after much thought and consideration, I tell her (through text message because I am at work and cannot start crying all over again) that her xboyfriend can come down, but not until I am there. She says she doesn’t need a chaperone. I say, I don’t care, he can’t come down unless I’m there. She says she can’t rearrange her week off around my work schedule. I say I can’t rearrange my work and our rent around her need to hang out with an abusive x boyfriend. She says he’s not abusive. I tell her she has spent the past 3 months convincing me otherwise, and one day of texting won’t change my mind. She says I’m ripping her heart in two making her choose between me and him. I tell her the choice is not between me and her x, but between her x and herself. That if she chooses to have him come down when I am not there, she should also go home with him. I tell her that I am trying to help her get clean, and 10 days isn’t clean. Then I also tell her I love her, and if she does leave, my arms will be open to her if she gets serious about changing her life.
I tell her no more texting. I will be down the 1-6. she can either respect my wishes and boundaries, or not. If not, I expect not to see her.
I didn’t tell her I was coming down early. She invited X steve down the 27th. I am going down the 28th. With two very large men, because I am not comfortable confronting her psycho x alone. That is if he is there. If he isn’t, I might still have her as a best friend…..Incredibly sad. But I can’t fix it more than I’ve tried. In fact, I think I may have already overstepped my abilities. over extended myself in a way.
The other interesting thing is that Mr. Romance called. ha. I didn’t answer. He doesn’t deserve it.
And he’ll never get it again…..because he certainly didn’t get it then……
please pray for my soon to be roomy, because I love her dearly, and she is a very sick girl. Addiction is a terrible thing to be controlled by. whether its cocaine, love, or money, something having a hold over you, being totally out of control, not being able to make a logical and reasonable decision….these are some of the most putrid feelings that one can have inside. I am constantly struggling with vices, with making my own decisions and not being controlled by things outside of myself. Please pray for her (no matter your religion) that she may make the choice which best suits her future.
I will not tell you which way to pray, but pray that whatever she decides, it is good.

I’m currently sitting in my home in the San Fernando Valley, trying my hardest to get it together…..my proverbial life that is to say…and who knows if I ever will. I did however just finish one of the best fucking books in my entire life. The simplicity with which it is written is as overwhelming and beautiful as the message it carries. A little book named “the way of the peaceful warrior” by dan Millman. I know, I know, it isn’t like it was published recently, or like it carried some new message….its your typical step by step guide on how to live. In the present. Something I had never really considered. I mean yes, I know living in the past just causes anguish, partially because you can’t change it and why relive something you can’t change, and I realize that living in the future is pointless because why put all your hopes and dreams into something that hasn’t happened yet. But this whole living in the moment, the exact present, the NOW is a very beautiful and intense concept. It negates any angry feelings that I might have for things that have happened in the past (such as the Shanes world deal, which I was already well over, but this is the extra push that I so desperately needed that wills me not to ever mention that companies name again, or the parties there in) and it calms my mind as to what will happen with my career in pornography, my success in life, and the end all be all seriousness of planning of the hasn’t happened yet. Nothing has happened except that which already has, so why should I stress about anything? Why get upset?
I’m sincerely trying to let my emotions roll out as the come. For a long time now, I have held back emotions, not shared feelings and refused to cry (thinking that kind of display would show so much weakness I would hate myself later). But as any shrink would tell you, just let it go. Let the feelings come out, let your issues go, because if you hold them down, and try to act like they haven’t happened, or like you don’t feel them, well they will just build up inside you until you pop. It is an incredibly new concept for me, because I’ve never been big on sharing what is going on inside. In fact, through out my parents divorce, I never shed one tear, never told anybody how much it hurt, never allowed anyone to see that the break-up was killing me. Yes, I was court ordered to go to therapy, but just like I told the therapist, “there is no point in being here, because there will be no progress if I refuse to be treated. If I don’t want help, there is no way you can help me.” and she agreed. I was right, but I think it was more that she wasn’t willing to push a little 13 year old girl who was on the brink of losing her mind….actually, of losing everything.
Any man who has ever been in a relationship with me will tell you I’m impossible to read, impossible to communicate with, even impossible to get along with. Mostly because I refused to open myself. I would contain all my issues and try to fix them on my own, and it just never went the way I planned. I usually blew up on them, freaking out, and ending it in a rather ugly way. This is the way of my relationships, and this is my character flaws that I am trying to change. I am trying to work on things, trying to be honest with myself, trying not to let my thoughts run rampant with my emotions. I am trying to take the I out of hubris.
So we being with replacing I with One. one must not constantly speak of herself if she is to maintain any sort of humility.
One must trust in the emotions that guide her through the day, and evening.
And one must always remember to breathe.
I don’t think I can keep up this “one” ness. but lord knows I’m gonna try.
anyhoot go out and get dan’s book…..I’m gonna look for teachers at every gas station now. Lets all pray I don’t get kidnapped.
hahahahhahahahahahahahaha…..

Over the past couple of days, little birds have been chirping ever so quietly into my ear that the one and only girl next door Casey Parker is not actually the “girl next door” that Shanes World has made her out to be…..in fact, it turns out that she is from Panama and is in fact a product of “armed forces” parents. The whole colorado deal? (which by the way is actually where I was born….) A big fat lie. The whole image of the young college girl who got broken in by SW? Another big fat lie. In fact, everything that has been advertised about her is simply a marketing ploy in attempt to create the ideal young sex loving whore from your typical wannabe Chatsworthian slut. What a shame huh? I was actually pretty stoked at the thought that out there, somewhere in college land, there was a girl next door type who really liked to get fucked, and wanted to do it so much that she wrote into a company begging them for a job as a pornstar. Nope……disappointing. Incredibly disappointing. So this whole revelation begs the question….
Does she believe the lie? Now that she has been living it, getting paid for it, and convincing her fans of it, does she actually believe the reality that Shanes World created for her? And an even bigger question…..What the fuck would her fans think of her if they found out that she has been lying to them the whole time. That the entire reason they (the fans) were originally attracted to her was a contrived plot formulated merely to trick and fool the poor innocent porn viewer into a false love/lust?
Man. I would probably shoot myself in the head if I had to lie to people to make them like me…..but that is the difference I suppose. I have far to much pride in who I really am to fake it to make it. And besides that, I don’t have the short term memory to maintain and remember lies. To be dishonest makes me hurt inside….but that’s neither here nor there. There are millions of porn girls who fill her shoes perfectly, tons of ladies who are in the process of attending school, living next door to folks, and leading incredibly regular lives except for the fact that they happen to fuck and get fucked like the pornstars they really are! Why not find a real girl? Why be so lazy and lie to all your fans?
The craziest part? You guys all remember back in, (god when the fuck was it….I know I blogged about it…) well, hmmmm…..I will have to look back and update this last part I know it was before jan 7th, but do you remember when I was all pissed off about my “x” (and no not Mr. Romance) taking Casey to a party? Well, after that all went down, the owner of Shanes World actually told me that this was her vindictive, petty, and intentional (but because of my apathy; useless) effort to hurt me, and ruin my relationship with mr. “x”. Too bad that I’m not some silly bitch, and I knew the relationship Mr. “x” and I had was more mellow and real than something she could ruin by tricking him into taking her to a party….(I even got the full story on how that happened from multiple friends!)
Anyway, I never liked her, never claimed I did, (and had to put on a shiney face because the contract called for it), but at least I respected her for being a real horny slut fresh outta college. Now there isn’t even that. She’s just a fucking hack.
Shanes World should consider themselves lucky that they still have Jack Venice….I know that motherfucker inside and out, and he is as reality porn as it gets. The guy actually finds real girls, no set-up, not porn oriented, and fucks the living daylights outta ‘em. That’s not even something I could do…..So here’s to hoping they start putting all their eggs in the right basket…..

PS…..I GOT THE KEYS TO MY HOUSE!!! I AM SO FUCKING STOKED!!!!! I’ll tell you all more tomorrow after I get off this Adam and Eve feature I’m working on with Ava Rose. Sexy beast. Her booty is bootilicious. Juicy. Like a big juicy onion.
I want to bite her bottom…..but I will contain myself.

tomorrow, I am lucky enough to get the keys to my new pad down in paradise (not lost though thank god), and I want to apologize up front if I am taking a while to repspond to emails. I promise, once I am all settled, I will get to every single one of them and yes make sweet love through my words to your brain. Well, either that, or I will say sorry until you want to throw up all over my little freckled face. So for the next two to three weeks, I will be a bit hectic, and I will blog as I can, email as I’m able to and probably fuck like I always do. At least there is that right? You know that at times of utmost and complete change, I am still fucking. Fuck fuck fucking my little freckled heart out.
So, please don’t hate me for being a busy bee, I will calm down come May. COME WHAT MAY? (where is that from????) me and my obscure references….I know someone out there will call it. Or call me out on it.
I love you all, and hey, I forgot to show you what was walking across my street today. Check out the pictures….you’ll never fucking believe it. If you live, vacation or know anything about LA, you know damn well we have no wildlife. Not even a squirrel. So I almost crashed the benz when I saw this….

yes. I had the pleasure, yesterday, of making my very first new car purchase. Normally, I get em used, because I’m no fool (well, I’m pretty foolish, but that’s neither here nor there) and I know they lose about 5 grand when ya drive em off the lot. But no. Not this time. Wait, I’m sure it lost in value, but FUCK FLAME LET ME BE EXCITED ABOUT THIS ONE!!!!! I got it on a lease. Realized I change cars about every 3 years. No point in buying one. Especially a foreign one because lord knows I don’t know how to fix cars. And imports are pricey to fix. so here is my sexy import. that is under warranty. Don’t cream your pants until you see the pictures of me riding the bull in vegas…(yes, my lazy ass finally uploaded em….so here they are!!!)

Very interesting day so far….yes, so far. Because lets all admit it, it takes a lot for a day to actually be over. No, this day is just starting. This morning, I woke up at 5:30, to get ready by 6:30, to get coffee by 7:00 to be in Ontario by 8. Yes, 8am folks is what time we started shooting porn this morning, and normally I would tell you all about it here, but I actually signed a confidentiality waiver (or agreement) and I cannot speak any further, other than to say that I had sex with someone with a mask on. And why do I love fucking people with masks on you may ask? (as true fans you probably know that this is one of my little fetishes)….Because then you are whoever I think you are at the time. Its like when we drunk fuck people and halfway through, we are questioning who we are fucking. I know it happens to guys too because I’ve been called the wrong name before when in doggy. Its hard to remember everything man…..especially having sex with so many people. Thats why its good to name your kids John, or Jacob, or Jinglehiemerschmidt, because those are fairly common names, and well, if ya don’t know? its probably a john. Maybe a Jacob. and if he is reallly cool, then we dub him Jinglehiemerschmidt, but if and only if (which has some really awesome abbreviation that I can’t remember right now) he is a great fuck. Johns are regular. Jacobs, a little better. But Jinglehiemerschmidt? FUCKING WOW.
so yes, getting fucked by early this morning, out and done by noon, eating a samwitch (yes samwitch) by 1:30, and now, I think I will nap until yoga at 4:30. If I leave my casa by 4:00 I will be there right in time, and out by 6. If I add two more hours to 6, well then that equals 8 and that means I’m on my way to XRCO with a dear old Highschool buddy of mine, who shall remain annonymous, because he is convinced that his “clients” watch porn and would recognize him. I’m like, “MY CLIENTS WATCH PORN? WHATS WRONG WITH THAT?” to which he replies, “YOU’RE A PORNSTAR FLAME….” and then I say, “oh yes. Thats right. How could I have forgotten”…..too funny. What a wittle bear. A Billy goat gruff bear of sorts, or if you know what I mean. And I think you do.
So Xrco will be excellent, although I’m never very sure what all these awards mean, and although I’m not up for any awards this year, I am excited to talk to Tera and her husband, who will be interviewing people on the red carpet. Fun Fun Fun. Maybe I’ll try to cop a feel on her….everyone is always so fucking proper, and me and Tera get on right well…..so….yes. Cop a feel it is.
And then home again home again, jiggity jig.
Did I mention I’m getting a new car tomorrow? (I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope)….yes…..new…..smell….ing….will be nice. ha. will. too funny. Yesh, This will be the first new car to maintain that new car smell. Because I don’t smoke stoggies anymore. nor do I know how to spell stoggies. But that one was obvious.
Which is why I felt the need to repeat it.
Have a great night folks, and don’t be like Flame…..If you’re going to be someone, be a Jinglehiemerschmidt. Fun.

and I watched the lovely Rachel Roxxx dance for her first time. I am so proud of her! She did absolutely great, even though for hours before hand she was telling me how nervous she was. Couldn’t tell! not in the least.
Gonna go to bed a bit early tonight, mostly because I have an 8:30 flight up to Frisco for a kink.com shoot….another meninpain shoot, which I’m stoked for, because with all the shit that has been going on lately, I am ready to beat the hell out of someone. And I couldn’t beat the fat little porker I saw tonight, (even though I wanted to….now that I’m not under contract, I’m really not required to like anyone hahahhaha, arrogant bitch), so the boy that I will be working with is in for a bit of a whomping.
God I love my job sometimes….

This bitch has some fucking nerve. Nobody in my entire life has thrown me under the bus quicker than the lady owner of Shanes World. She had the fucking nerve to go into my agency’s office today and start saying how she really cares about me, and actually wants to stay friends, and in fact, she really likes me as a person, and ya know what bitch? I’m sorry. You should have had some fucking class and instead of cutting my contract without thought or consideration (not to mention ending it by hanging up on me, which is real mature), you should have taken me into your office like a big fucking girl and said “hey penny. You blew it. You shouldn’t have (fill in the blank here), and we are just gonna have to cut your contract a bit short.”
If she had had the business sense, and class, to treat me like an adult, and to act like one herself, well then I wouldn’t be black listing the entire company right now. I wouldn’t be pissed off that she’s going into my agency making it seem like I did something wrong by saying “I WILL NEVER EVER WORK FOR SHANES WORLD AGAIN.” No. If she had any fucking class, then maybe I wouldn’t wanna tell her to go fuck herself.
So here ya go J*****. If you happen to read this, GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU TWO FACED BITCH. I WILL NEVER WORK FOR YOUR LAME COMPANY AGAIN. AND I WOULD NEVER TELL ANY OF MY FANS TO BUY YOUR SHIT. YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO PUT THEIR HEART AND SOUL INTO WHAT THEY DO, AND THEN YOU LEAVE THEM HIGH AND DRY FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A CHEAP BITCH.
SO GO FUCK YOURSELF. AND DON’T BREATHE MY NAME OUT YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH.

other than that, I’ve had a lovely weekend, and I hope you all did too. And I’m still down for everyone else at S.W.
Just NOT YOU BITCH.