Or actually, I’m going out there to help host a party for AVN’s Dan Miller, who truly is the man of men. I’m so stoked….its not gonna be some ritzy flashy bullshitty party where I have to dress up and pretend to be fancy and a bunch of shit I’m not. No, this party is being held at the Frontier, a white trashier venue, where we will participate in such things as: Bullriding! Mud Wrestling! Unfortunately, last night, before I went out the the Tight Fit party (because yes, I hosted a party in hollywood last night too, or at least hung out and drank at one) the atm machine ate my card. And I’m not referring to Ass to Mouth….I’m talkin about that automated teller, fucking bitch, ate my card pre party! can you believe it! so after a couple soothing breathes, and the realization that no matter how much I wanted my goddamn card back, I put my high heel back on and walked out…..(heels are never very threatening to atms anyway. I would just go to jail and it would go right on being an atm)
So I had to change my flight to leave later, which is fine becuase Silver will killya if you let it. I only danced with the drink twice last night, and actually, hey something awesome did happen. Between the band of like 40 people on stage prancing and dancing, I met a guy named Axis, who asked if I would be kind enough to sit for him. He is actually one of Doms friends, (hence the trust), and his buddy said that the whole reason they came tonight was to ask if I would sit. So I agreed. Said sure, heck why not. Fuck it right? I love art. and to be made into art?
the ultimate dream come true for any aspiring artist.
or Hack……
however you want to look at me.
Hope you folks have a dope day, and think of me….think of me fondly, when you say goodbye…..

So my favorite rapper in the whole world……MURS!!!!!….. was so awesome last year to invite me to his very first underground hip hop concert Paid Dues. Now, he just had his second annual Paid Dues, (which unfortunately I could not attend) but someone very special to me brought me a copy of the DVD that he was passing out…..AND I’M ON THE FUCKING COVER!!!!! TALK ABOUT MAKING MY MARCH!!!
Really though, he pretty much made my entire life, just by putting me on that dvd, and then wait for it, wait for it, I watched the DVD (which I’m on as well) and he said “we have a very special guest throughout the DVD, Miss Penny FLame, so make sure you google her name, cuz she is hot…”and wow Murs. You are my hero. Then!!!! He put in all the interviews I did with all my other favorite rappers and honestly folks?
I could die a happy woman.
If you’ve never heard his shit, or wanna get a copy of the DVD, go check out his myspace page, (and you’ll see my sweet little face on the dvd cover if you scroll down a bit) but go the the search for music area and write in MURS and there you go. You will see why I am so happy. I think I probably smiled in my sleep last night….
I suppose I could ask the mystery man who graced my bed with his presence.
HEY BABE!!!! was I smiling last night in my sleep? I don’t know….I was sleeping. But I went to bed smiling, woke up smiling, have continued to smile all day, even through the booble minute I did with those awesome people over at xfans and booble.com, and you know what? I have a feeling that this smile will die when I do. hahahahhahaha…….oh boy Murs, I owe you. You really are the hardest workin man in the underground industry, and I am a lucky lady to be included in the awesome shit that you put together.
FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!
oh, by the way, the dvd is MCTV, (Mid city tv? murs controls tv? murs’ cool tv? who the fuck cares if its got rad music and harder artists on it)….
if you guys love me, you will love this music and DVD even more.

is beginning. The beginning of everything is difficult (the first time I snowboarded, I wanted to murder someone…different story entirely) but to write? Wow. what a concept. Talk about concrete….permanent. Once you’ve written something, you can’t take it back, you can’t rephrase, all you can do is hope that someone out there, whoever may happen to be reading it, will read it and hear your voice in his/her head, and get the same feelings from your words as your thoughts attempted to convey.
Presently, I am attempting to write something for xfans. Well lets see what else I’ve done today. Bought spray paint, potting soil (commonly refered to as dirt) pots. I’ve planted flowers in those pots, (and no, no pot in the pots) replanted aloe in other pots, and now I plan on beginning a new piece of work, and yes I’m talking about painting. In fact, I’m going to paint over an old canvas that I don’t really care for, and start again fresh. New. easy. TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WRITING. I can just repaint and repaint and repaint, but no, I cannot write and rewrite and rewrite once its out there.
Wait. Maybe I can’t repaint and repaint and repaint once its out there. A very small light is beginning to ignite over my brunette head of hair….a…..lightbulb? Like in cartoons? and did I hear a ding somewhere out there?
Very possible.
Okay, so maybe starting anything is difficult. No exceptions. So why am I psyching myself out over writing for xfans? Why is this task suddenly one where I feel hesitant?
Because I am always hesitant when it comes to commitment. Once we begin something, we have no choice but to ride it to the absolute end. Whether that end is in a week, thirteen years or when MY end is, I suppose we will never know.Well until it ends anyway. But I have no choice but to proceed….foward. And how do I plan on moving foward?
By going out and repainting this canvas white.
I feel like I can then start from scratch.

Funny how things seem to work out and not work out at the same time. The juxtaposition of success and failure is always interesting. So I went down to SD this weekend to do a little house hunting and you know what? NOBODY CALLED ME BACK!!! Now, I dont’ know if this is because my credit is a bit poor….(like that will matter when I offer them so much money they want to cry tears of joy instead of look up the credit score), or because when asked the occupation, I don’t lie…..(Never do shit you feel like you have to lie about…) but me and my bestest friendest went all around SD and called a ton of people, tried to see multiple places and when we did get a call back, it turned into a game of phone tag. A terrible and unfair game of tag where it was mostly I who played the “it”, running around trying to catch people, but catching nothing. Like an empty butterfly net, no casa for the flame this weekend. But I trust in the universe, and know that it has always pushed for my success. So I won’t start doubting now…..
on the other hand, I’m going to start writing a column for XFans…..pretty excited about that. I have never been asked to do anything except the ol suck and fuck, so this whole writing thing is exciting. Exhilarating….if you will. But here is the first problem.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I WRITE????
hmmmm….now is the fun part. The exec editor said hey, write about what you want to write about. Casey parker is already covering the general column…..where she talks about being a pornstar. Which is kind of ironic, because if I were a civilian, reading some pornstars column about being a pornstar, I would want her to have some experience. Not to put Casey down, but she is fairly new, and really hasn’t been around the proverbial block. Now you take your classic pornstar like Ava Devine, and give her a column, and ask her what its like to be a pornstar…..NOW THAT is something I would read. Because that girl is a dirty fucking girl. In fact, she is so nasty that I can’t help but wonder….”who can compare to Ava? Who in this industry can honestly say that with or without the money, she would be fucking just as many men?” to which I answer “well, probably not I. Not that I’m not a big phat whore, but at least without the money, there would be some sort of screening process.”
Here is the only example that I can think of which perfectly illustrates my point:
There are two different kinds of way to make coffee. You can either get you standard black and decker coffee maker, or you can get a french press. The black and decker filters the coffee to the point where its the same consistency as water, and tastes the same each time. The french press however, is sometimes a little thicker, usually a little stronger, and always more fun to make. Cavemen could have used the french press….the may have even invented it. (actually I think it was the frenchies who did, so they were the ones who got credit. You never hear it called a caveman press)
So which one is better? Personally, I like the press. I enjoy the process of making coffee. I like heating the water myself, giving it a good stir to ensure the well being of the ground beans, and I love the 5 minute wait while the ag and the grind mush together.
I don’t like the idea of just pushing a button to make it happen. I don’t like the automatic timer that has it ready for you when you wake up. I don’t think we as a people should be taking the easy way out…..
Which illustrates my point. Ava is a full on nasty whore. She enjoys every minute of every scene she does, and when the camera turns off, she is just as nasty. In fact, she may even be nastier.
Casey turns on a button, at the appropriate time, and does the same thing every time.
I trust Ava like I trust my press.
Which concludes my story.
I need to do some more house hunting, so please excuse me….

So here is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me god.
About two weeks ago, we shot a pick-up scene for my movie, Blazed and Confused 3. The scene had Savannah Stern getting fucked by Johnny Sinns. We were all sitting around the room smoking weed when Johnny asks to join in. Or I ask if he smokes. either way. He says yes, he does, so we share the blunt with him. 4 hours later, he can’t cum, and he blames it on Mary Jane. Okay. Whatever. If you don’t smoke, don’t say you do. If you do smoke, feel free and make damn sure you can cum. Time goes by, and I throw my house party….okay. Here is the set up. I have a couple people arrive around 5 to start shooting the first scene, knowing that I have to go to a casting at 7. SO. I get the scene under way, meaning we do the intro, chill for a bit and then when Rachel and Nick start fucking I sneak out the backdoor and make my way to the casting. I leave at 6:30 and am back by 7:45. OK. I have the rest of the talent set up to arrive at 8…..SO PRETTY MUCH NOBODY IS THERE WHILE I’M GONE AND ALL START ARRIVING ONCE I DO. The night goes on, I have a huge problem with one of my camera men, (smokey) because for as many times as I’ve tried to explain what I want, he gets drunk and angry and doesn’t listen. Then at one point he starts talking shit to me, and I’m like, “no way buddy. No shit talking here. You say it to my face….”
We get 5 full scenes. First Rachel Roxx and Nick Manning. Then me and Jack fuck a little bit, until Eva angelina comes in and starts sucking his dick (I just went to see if Jack had ordered any pizza and pretty soon he’s going down on me). Third scene is Savannah Stern and Derik Pierce fucking….from that scene you can see what is going on in the hottub and boy is it going on in the hottub…..between Alexis Texas and Sascha and oh wait….me and mr. pete. Neat. Both us girls get a nice load of spunk on us and whammo…..who is manning fuckin now? The lovely Kylie Wild….in the bedroom….with his cock. Kind of like clue, but different. Night ends with twenty cheese burgers from mac-d’s because it’s so late and no pizza is open. Great party. Done deal. I wanted to shoot one pick up scene of me and someone else fucking in the morning…probably sascha, because I always do great scenes with him…..either way, we shot a full movie that night, got everything we need, and my casting didn’t effect the situation at all.
Today is pay day. I call Shanes World to inquire about my check from the B&C pick-up scene and what am I told? That everybody gets paid on that set except me and Johnny. Because it is my fault Johnny can’t cum. (I’m sorry, last time I checked it’s a guys responsibility to be able to squeeze out that baby makin potion.) Oh hell motherfuckin no. SO I call the owner, Jennie, and she says that since I got him high, he couldn’t cum…..(yes, he is a grown ass man, and no I didn’t blow smoke down his throat, although that would have been incredibly sexy). I say, no, he is a grown ass man, and he makes his own judgement calls and we asked him if he smoked and he said yes, so there is my liability out the door.
Jennie then tells me that I shouldn’t have left the party.
I say this is seperate than that, and don’t get your shit confused.
She says that at this point she would rather just cut my contract than argue about it.
I said fine, seeing as how I’m the only good contract girl you’ve got. One is fat, and the other is flaky.
She says fine, its cut.
I AM NOW A FREE WOMAN. I NO LONGER REPRESENT OR HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE COMPANY SHANES WORLD. I NO LONGER WILL DIRECT FOR OR PERFORM FOR A COMPANY THAT OUTRIGHT TRIES TO DICK ME OUT OF MY MONEY.
you can fuck me all day, but the second you fuck me out of my money, we have a problem. a big problem.
and that problem is ME.

oh lord has mr. miller been a great mind fuck lately. With all the changes that I’m making in my life, it is nice to be able to drown my thoughts in a book with no chapters, or paragraphs really. Just one long streaming consciousness…..one tangled and tangential line of thought that bleeds whole heartedly into the next. Beautiful really. I had no idea. I like him better than Mr. Bourroughs, or even Mr. Kerouac, partially because I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the book, but I feel it, inside of me, burning and aching. I will reread it, again and again, until I have some grasp, but even then, as mr. miller has so precisely said
“When I think of the book now, and the way I approached it, I think of a man going through the rites of initiation. The disorientation and reorientation which comes with the initiation into any mystery is the most wonderful experience which it is possible to have. Everything which the brain has labored for a lifetime to assimiliate, categorize and synthesize has to be taken apart and reordered. Moving day for the soul!”
and this is how I feel. Of course Henry is speaking of another book which I fully intend upon checking out…..”creative evolution” by henri bergson.
Oh the pain of being a writer and not knowing how to begin. Poor Henry…..I think I love him.
Yes. I think I am falling in love with Henry Miller.
that is all

yes. I have returned. From my long arduous journey south…..south south south of orange county. A firey little place I like to call San Diego….
and how do I feel about the return you may ask? I’m not quite sure. I feel like I’m big time inbetweensies right now. I’m moving in with the moo poo of my dreams. My best homegirl from little kiddom and she is coming down to get clean of the nose candy. Whatever…..no problem. That shit isn’t ever around me, so it isn’t like it will be available to her. but we are getting a place hopefully as of the first of april. Summer back in SD? GOD YES. the time has come for my great return. I feel like when I left sd, I didn’t really clean up anything that I was running from. I just bounced. I paid two local crack heads to move me out and I straight up bounced. But now, I’m going back with a clean head, a new out look on life, and and entirely new attitude. which is excellent. And I’m going to live at the beach again, right where I belong. I’ve always belonged next to the ocean. I need the smell of it…
now that i can smell….

So, Bud Bleeze and I always have competitions: whether it’s to get girls, to have orgasms, or to drink, Bud and I are always in some sort of competition with eachother. The other night however, he was in rare form as I picked him up from work. He had been taking shots of wine all day, (yes, shots of merlot and cab and the occasional pinot), and was red in the face: bud has a rare allergy to alcohol that he doesn’t really pay any attention to, that is until he is trying to hit on a chick and has to explain why his face and body turn bright pink and in fact even pinker with each sip. Either way, Bud had been drinkin at work. I had had some brews with my mama, and immediately, Bud and I felt the energy off eachother, and decided it would be a good night to go out and paint the town red, or maybe green, it all depended on what color paint we had. So we go back to his house to get some paint, and he crouches to the ground to give his dog cali some love (and no not in that icky illegal way), upon which he promptly falls asleep. A sleeping bleeze equals a defenseless bleeze. So I tried to wake him up in the only way I knew how……
If you are ever having a problem getting ass, get drunk with me, pass out, and mine will end up on your face.
Smiley Face.

and it was nothing too serious. In fact, the director I went to meet, a wonderful lady named Tristan, said I didn’t even need to wear a dress. Kinda funny how I put on a fuckin dress to go to vivid. Like they don’t know me. Like I haven’t been showing up on set in my sweatpants for the past three years. Like I didn’t hit on Hirschs wifey on DDD…..hahahhaha…..oh boy. ANywayh, we met and chopped it up for about twenty minutes, our conversation revolving around what I like sexually, (and not in that boring standard 20 question way) and who my favorite people are to work with. Which got me to thinkin…..
I’m a pretty big whore. And not in that Whorish way.
I couldn’t find more than 5 people that I could say I disliked, in fact, none did I hate, and whats more, I pretty much have great sex with everyone I fuck. (which apparently is so many that I can no longer recall even ten at a time, but rather I see montages of lovesexandhotsugarmagic whose actuality I question).
What does this mean? Does this mean that I am a great lay?
No, because anybody who fucks 150 days of the year betterr be okay at it goddamnit.
Does this mean that I’m gonna get a contract with Vivid?
No, because who the fuck knows what is gonna happen really.
Do you know what this does mean?
I smoke so much dope that I fucked 150 times this past year, and couldn’t bring ten names to my lips.
And I’m not talking about herion folks.

go to San diego after my meeting with Vivid? (yes my meeting with Vivid)…..I don’t know what it’s about, but to be honest, I would definately be interested in a contract with them, or even wicked or hustler, but definately interested in a contract…
but should I bounce to sd after?
I have alcohol class saturday, but I can make it up anytime. I only have two left, but I still have 6 weeks of tuesday classes, so it isn’t like Im done done…..just partially done…..
sd?
la?
sd?
la?