Didn’t end up boarding yesterday, but I did end up drinking with the homies. SO Many HOMIES HERE! It’s amazing really, the amount of people I know up here, from home, from highschool, from everywhere. South lake just seems like it is the place to be. And it is. After yesterday, I was so pissed that we didn’t go up on the mountain, I woke up around 8 this morning and woke everyone else up, so I could get up the mountain. (my boys always hate when I just disappear, whether I leave a note or not, they don’t want me running around by myself). So Smokey, Tye9 and myself headed to Heavenly around noon…..(that’s how long it took for people to get their shit together, I was in my boots by 8am…) Tye9 had never been boarding before, let alone on or around snow, so when we were getting him on the lift, I pointed out the spectacular views of tahoe while unbeknownst to him, he passed a huge sign that said “No beginners”. Hahahhaha. Oh lord. Well, he did great. Surprisingly great. His one problem was that he kept looking down the cliff, and then telling me, I don’t want to go off that cliff, to which I would reply “then stop fucking looking at it homie”. You go where you look. Kinda like life….you don’t drive watching the cliff your driving along. You watch the road. He made it. Now, it’s time to start the new years celebration. I gotta make sure not to drink too much before midnight. Actually, I probably should take a nap if I’m gonna make it to midnight at all. Good call flame. Nap time. So I can be fresh for the New Year.

drove up to south lake tahoe last night after work. Tye9 was so stoked the whole way up the 5 which is hilarious because there is nothing fuckin out there. I wish that I had never been on that drive before so that I may imagine whatever I want to be there in place of the vast emptiness that is. We went to Harrah as soon as we got in, and watched my big snuggle buns win over a g. then we got shitfaced and passed out. Today you ask? Well, I’m going to need some pancakes, and my snowboard, and probably a couple pyramid’s to warm up me belly. Ahhhh…..i love tahoe.

went to do a boxcover for playgirl today. Went out to this awesome little house in sun valley, if you woulda seen the before pictures, you would lose your mind. The house was a fucking dump! Then these three gay guys, (and when I say gay I mean GAY) bought up the casa and fixed it right up. Now it is kinda my dream house. Japanese style gardens in the backyard, tons of cherry, oak, lovely dark woods, red hues deep browns, unidentified artifacts from identified places…..just lovely really. I would pay these fools to come redo my house once I buy it. Talk about style. Anyway, I went to do a simple little box cover, and the best thing about doing stuff for playgirl is that the attention doesn’t focus on me. It’s all about the guys. So it’s always nice to have a little break. No two hours of make-up, no pretty girls bullshit. Just show up, look nice, and bounce. Well that’s pretty much what I did. With Johnny castle. Because lord knows he really isn’t good for hardcore…what with his mediocre hardness…..so it was good it was just photos. Hahahha….poor Johnny. I do love him, he is a dear, but he’s just too sweet for porn.
But now, we leave for Tahoe. The time has come……
and while the sea is boiling hot,
while all we still are kings,
kaloo kalaay come join the game
of cabbages and kings

: it’s Tye N9ne’s bday today, the big 24, and I am going to get his present up in the Bay. So I kinda feel shitty for not having anything to give him, but on the other hand, just wait till we get to the bay. I am so excited to leave LA. SPV never came by last night, but that is entirely my fault, because I failied to text him back. I just didn’t know what to say. I accused him of apathy, and he replied with honest pain. Fuckin good. Stop being like this Flaming one. Stop being a bitch. You aren’t going to be with him either way, so you may as well go out peacefully. May as well just let things be. Fucking A. I gotta go to work tonight, haven’t worked in days! I’m working for polpo productions, or something along those lines. I’m honestly not quite sure who I am fucking, although I was told earlier, and remember being excited. I just don’t remember who I’m excited for….Spv said he’d come by after I get home from work. Drop something off. Chat. Don’t know what I’m gonna say. Actually, I feel sick to my stomach. I have ever since I found this shit out. No matter how much I throw up, I don’t feel better. I just feel empty. Sigh.

SPV text me on the way down the hill yesterday, saying he wanted to bring buy my present. Huh. I don’t know. I just…..I feel icky inside about him. I don’t know that any Christmas present will make it better. I mean, it is even possible that he isn’t bringing it to make things better, he’s just bring it to bring it? And what is IT? Hey Zues Chreestay. I haven’t text him back yet, don’t really know what to say. Don’t really know that there is anything to say. I will never cheat on anyone again. Even though I have previously made this statement, and have since then not cheated on anyone, I am just reaffirming my devotion to noncheaterhood. What a terrible place to put a person in. They hate you but they love you, and that’s pretty much why they hate you. Like Spv. I hate him because I love him, and really this logic isn’t fair. I’m not claiming love is true and fair, but logic is fair, and reasoning is fair, and this set of premises and this conclusion, they don’t work. There is no if A then B, and if B then C, therefore if A then C. There is none of that. Just hogwash. And bullshit. And that’s how I feel.
On another note, I went to my first alcohol class this morning. It was a 15 minute interface with a counselor, and I took some test and filled out some questionaire, and to be quite honest, I think it was rigged. For example one question read “Have you ever lost a friend due to alcohol?” and I marked yes, because I’ve had three friends die from drunk driving. but it turned out it was a point against me. Just shit like that. Yes, I may have an abuse problem, but it is niccotine, not alcohol that is the killer here. I drink when I go out-not very often mind you even though when I do I get wild-but I smoke all the time. (to which the counselor replied “that’s the addiction convincing you you don’t have an addiction.” I said man, i have emotional problems, commitment issues, a bad cough from too many fucking cigarettes, but booze isn’t my problem. My problem was that I was a fucking idiot, and got shitfaced and hopped on a jetski and did donuts in the no wake zone. I’m acting out all my other issues through alcohol, so why don’t we just get to the bottom of it and send me to emotional’s annonymous (which they have), and that way I might actually learn something because I’m open to it. This alcohol thing I just don’t dig.” He said that’s fine. Go wherever the hell you want.
I told him I wanted to go to sex addicts annonymous.
He said that might not be the best place for me.
I told him I want to go to porn addicts annonymous.
He said that wasn’t a good idea either.
So I’ll go to emotions rehab.
Maybe it will do some good.
Maybe it will ruin my career.
Only time will tell right?

gonna hit up big bear today. I went home (well back to moms) and took a good little three hour nap. Then I hit the road back to lala land. Passed out as soon as I got home. This morning, I woke up and decided it would be best for me to tackle the mountain. Get my mind off shit. You really don’t think about much when you’re flying down a mountain over soft fluffy white snow.

Today was a good day. I went to moms around 10, we watched some 40 yr old virgin, and then we did the whole presents thing. I got my sister some perfume, a dope sweatshirt and teeshirt, and some nice face wash. Gave my mom all sorts of nice bath oriented things, gave the step bro a rad shirt, and then the step dad some delicious smelling room smeller…..smells like the islands….they are moving as soon as possible. It kinda bums me out, that I won’t be able to just drive two hours and see her. Gonna have to fly 6 hours over the pacific. Anyway, after that, we went down to the Hotel Del Coronado, and had a lovely buffet dinner with a bottle each of red and white, followed up by ice skating on the beach. Just me and mom threw the skates on, but we owned the ice. It was awesome. Let my little sis drive home. She was stoked…..asked “how much are one of these bmw things again?” hahaha….oh lord. I love my family. I am truly truly lucky.

So today is the eve of the birth of our baby lord jesus. Okay. Sure. I buy. Whatever. I always hate Christmas. I like it and I hate it. I like buying presents for people, I’m semi about receiving, but every year, my “father” send me something. Every year, it gets more and more….egh. well, this year, he gave me a book on how to quit smoking and a letter saying that I can start helping my sister through college. Motherfucker. Like I wouldn’t have done that anyway. He says he wants to start charging me interest on the “debt” I owe him. DEBT? I’m sorry, I’ve been lacking a good male role model for oh what 15 years now, and he says I owe Him? Fuck that. If I could charge interest on all the fucked up relationships I’ve been in, if I could charge interest on all the times I’ve just wanted my dad, if I could charge interest on ALL THE FUCKIN YEARS I MISSED HIM, AND MISSED HAVING A FUCKING FATHER I would. But you know what? I can’t. All I can do is try to find another father figure, one who will at least try and pretend that I can be more than a whore. And that’s not to say he has a problem with what I do, because he himself said that “hell if I had tits I’d do it!’ but because he followed that comment up with, “no woman can ever have a friendship with a man, because no man can ever just want friendship” which basically means that I have no friends, that no person will ever want anything from me besides sex, and wow thanks dad for the positive influence on my attitude and ethical values. Great. Awesome. Fuck him.

yup, definitely too much patron last night. Fuckin tequila. What a mess that always is. I ate a million gingerbread cookies, inbetwwen mouthfuls of snickerdoodles, and then passed out on the floor. Ha. Didn’t even make it to the bed. Good thing my momma loves me.

god I love San diego. There is nothing better than waking up two blocks from the beach to a glorious clear sky, and wet pavement. I gave him his stupid painting last night, couldn’t stand it anymore and left. NO words. No nothing. I just left. And then I drove. Down to sd to see bud bleeze, my mom and the rest of the fam. Time for Christmas. This is always such a hard time of year. Egh. Oh well. I’ll take lunchbox to dog beach later today, do a little shopping and then off to hang with the fam. Probably won’t be driving much after that…..you think I can party, you should meet my mom!