I won!!!!! I won the two that I really wanted to win….So fucking stoked. Okay okay okay, let me slow down, write you all about my week, here out in Vegas at the AVN convention.
This year I decided that since I had the honor of being nominated for so many different things, I should do my best to stay somewhat sober so that if by some crazy chance I won, I wouldn’t be fucked up and make an ass of myself. Well, it started with the first day. Every other year, this convention drives me into the ground. I suppose its probably because I get up around 6/7am, hit up the bar for a bloody mary, then up to make-up, another mary on room service, downstairs headed to the show there are two bars in between my room and the show, so Id get a drink at the first, finish by the time Im at the second, grab another drink and head into the show. Basically, every year I’ve had at least four or five drinks by 11am. and thats just to get into work.
This year, no such way. There is just no way that I can play like that anymore. It doesn’t feel good. I barely even drank at all in fact. A couple drinks with a homegirl the first night, (which sparked a little hankering for a cig, which of course I fell to, but half a cigarette isn’t bad, and it made me feel like shit for the next two days,), two beers at the circle bar the second night, three drinks (over a period of 5 hours) at the club the third night, and then I didn’t drink at all the night of the show, opting instead to attempt a fresh and sober approach to the evening. And I realized a few things due to the clear vision the lack of alcohol provided.
I was drinking like a fucking fish man. All bad. in retrospect, and of course hindsight is always twenty/twenty, I think I have been sedating myself to deal with a social anxiety thing. Big crowds make me so nervous. I’m just a short little thing and I can get swallowed up in massive amounts of people. I’m okay with small groups of people. I’m okay with people I know. But trying to walk through the Mandalay Bay hotel to the award ceremony almost put me into a panic attack. I’ve never felt like that before, and I think the massive amounts of liquor have helped smooth over the nerves of going. Like, if I get trashed then I’m pretty disoriented anyway and don’t give a fuck that people are around because I will just start swinging if I can’t get out.
Instead I felt like crying. And my make-up looked dope, so couldn’t take that road. Fortunately, Derek Pierce and Christian were there to help me. I held onto Christian at one point and started bolting through the crowd, muttering excuse me and pardon me while pushing lookey loo’s outta the way. My heart starts beating fast, I can feel my throat closing up, my palms get sweaty. Every muscle in me tenses, and I can’t make it stop. Even once we were on the floor, it took awhile to calm down. I can’t believe I felt like fucking crying. whatta baby…
It could be because I had to host an afterparty the night before the show. Wanna know my schedi? yup, here it goes…
Wednesday: signing from 11-6:30 (means up at 7:30 to get ready), only open to exhibitors, and media, so its mellow, yellow, nobody doin nothin. wednesday night went out with my homegirl angel, and had those drinks that sparked that hankering I mentioned. But I forgive myself, and move forward. lights out by 1:45
Thursday: Signing from 10:30-5:30 (means up at 7) open to the public, pretty slow all things considered. Hit up a Babeland cocktail party with tommy pistol and gia paloma, and then to a fantastic sushi dinner with Tristan Tarimino and Colton, both of vivid. After that, ran into some buddies that came out from New york later that evening, and hung out momentarily at the circle bar, where every fucking porn person hangs out and I have been known to run around yelling and screaming drunken ramblings, two beers, and I’m over the night. Go upstairs to smoke a bowl with a good reviewer buddy of mine and the lovely trisha uptown, who I’ve known for years. lights out by 2.
Friday: Signing from 10:30-5, (means up at 7) open to the public, I felt like things were going to start to take off as far as busy goes but not so much. Not so much. Now about a week ago, I had agreed to host my buddy dj rhinox’s afterparty. I had no clue what afterparty meant. I mean… after what? Like after the show? Okay, easy. No. well, in las vegas, after party starts at 4am, because most the clubs close around 3. So fortunately at Emprire Ballroom, The players Ball was the party right before my party, so I hung out with the kind folks from Xbiz, and celebrated like Players do…. dancing on stage with Humpty and Too short, smoking in back with the whole gang. Pretty much made my life being that these two men are hip hop originators, well, digital underground, for sure from back in the days and pretty much where pac got his start, and man, all the rappers grew up on Short. So finally, 4am rolls around and Taryn Thomas and I (yes my lovely little ass hat is back) introduce Big daddy Rhinox, I go go dance on stage for about 30 minutes, and bounce. Lights out by 4:45 am.
Saturday: Signing from 10:30-4:30 (means up at 8, can’t help it), pound down a Monster Energy drink, blueberry scone and then a double soy vanilla latte. On the floor on time, four hours sleep just about killing me. Sign all day, gotta go and get in make-up by like 5:45pm, another latte in between, a blunt and my face is done. Then I have to go from Bally’s to Venetian to get my avn dress and meet up with the crew of hooligans I’m heading out with. I’m wandering through the lobby, full face of make-up, in polar bear pajamas, not giving a fuck. “If i can’t find Vivian, my sexy dress maker, fuckit. I’m going in my Oaksterdam a’s t-shirt and polar bear pants, northface boots like what”….I smuggle myself upstairs into the rooms area, finally get in touch with Viv, hook up, throw the dress on, run downstairs to call franny. Franny fran is my accountant, and one of the best friends I have. Top notch lady. Well, being the frazzled tired fool i am, I forget my phone, avn tickets and press pass in Viv’s room, can’t make it up there quick enough, (it takes about 20 minutes to get from the lobby to her room), so I have my girl Demi holler at Fran through a text, tell her I’m at the fountain so holler, and then the group is here. Into the limo by 7:45, at Mandalay by 8:00.
The fucking crowds. I feel the room start spinning whenever I am arm to arm with people. I psyche myself out for part of it, I’m sure. But sans booze, I just don’t know how to handle it. Arm to fucking arm. Until we get to the entrance. at which point I push through like a brand new baby into the world and life begins. Well, at least I don’t feel like I’m going to die anymore. I walk the red carpet with Christian and this new chick, nika, or something along those lines. Ukrainian girl, lovely to the nines. Surrounded by all my favorite performers, Randy spears and his chick Demi, Derek Pierce and Lexi Tyler, we got the wicked girls, the vivid girls, Kirsten price, and Jessie jane the most adorable tiny Big Texan I know, even little Dave Navarro hanging out, interviewing for Showtime. We are done with red carpet by 9:00, right when the show starts, we do the do, make it down to our seats with about ten minutes to spare. And i have to pee like a motherfucker.
The whole arena is filled with people. The floor has like 15 rows of seats, im about 8 back, and then behind that is tables and then stadium seating. I know when they show the UFC shit, all you really get to see is the ring. Well this place is large and in charge.
On my birthday in 2006, I had the pleasure to work with the fine folks at Vivid on one of Brianna Banks movie’s Layout. Paul Thomas, multiple award winning director, actor, singer and muffin maker, and I get along like peas and carrots. Like Rock and Roll. So anytime I have a chance to work under his sunshine, I take it. Like a little flower blooming.
Best Actress Film….YYYYYYEYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! no fucking way. I swear to god, I had some doubts. I thought maybe me and Bri would get best girl/girl, (cuz it was definately the hottest g/g in my mind, even in that dirty scummy hotel room), but best actress? This is huge. The biggest honor of my entire career. And what do I do?
First I forget to thank AVN, the one company that has been recognizing my work from the beginning of my career. Only the company who’s throwing the whole shebang. From the days when I only did myself, movies like Repo Girl by DP, or Innocent by Ninn Works, AVN has been such a huge support of my work, and the fine reviewers and writers have always been so great to me, from Paul to Heidi, from Pete Warren to Dan Miller, these fine folks have been watching over me and helping to guide my career into the most wonderfully fulfilling experience. Because of their recognition, I have been able to continue down this crazy path called porn.
And then being the tired, filterless girl I am, I say thanks to vivid for letting me pretend to be a vivid bitch, thanks to the vivid bitches for being my favorite bitches, and thanks to all the xboyfriends that I’ve lied to that helped me to get to this point right now.
I thanked PT, and ran outta things to say. I had an entire room full of people, and I could have done anything. So I mooned em and ran off…..
Not very lady like Penny Flame but that is all good.
For some reason, Chi Chi had to play his boy/girls song two times, and I think it ate into the rest of the time of the show. And people were getting tired and leaving…They didn’t do any of the sex scene awards on stage. Very few if any at all. Tom Byron and I had great sex for Layout that ended up getting us an award…best couples film. So stoked. I had a whole speech planned out, (he said he had one too hahahha), and nope. Nope no time. They just rolled the credits on the big screens, and whammo, there went like 15/20 awards. Upload took home a buttload of awards. Layout took home best Film, (fuck yeah), and a bunch of other ones. Stormy, YEAH Stormy, she took home best comedy for Operation Desert Stormy, go girl, and she took home a shit load of others too. Babysitters did pretty well, and John Staggliano of Evil Angel, made a sugary sweet speech for his lovely wife Karen. I am over the moon about pretty much all the winners. Girlies like Hillary Scott and Sasha Grey, bigger than life on the tv walls on each side of their tiny frames.
And I felt great. I am very pleased with the everything, probably because I have always wanted to win this award. I am not very good at expressing emotions in my personal life as any man I have ever dated will confess, (the only reason I can blog is because I feel like it is just going into my computer and nobody is really out there reading it) and being in feature films is such a wonderfully expressive outlet for me. It allows me to feel things at no risk of being hurt. It’s like painting. You attempt to bring yourself to create something that an emotion that fosters the growth of another emotion that brings something out in the viewer and connects the whole.

Now, on the other side of my life, the personal, the social, I felt strangely detached the whole week. Really the first AVN that I didn’t go crazy and get hyphey stupid doo doo dumb everywhere all the time not thinking just moving going drinking consuming monster, redbull shaking morning hands crying ugh tiredtiredtired by day two. It may be a right of passage type thing, where if you can make it through a show without getting totally ploughed or kicked out or in a fight or whatever it is that is preventing you from being in a conscious thoughtful state of being, you might have a chance to be around awhile. If you don’t die doing drugs in some dudes room that you met at circle bar, or forget to eat for the entire week and realize day five that you’ve been awake since day one….
I stayed away from the cats I knew I would get fucked up around, and tried my best to find people I knew wouldn’t be more trouble than bubble. Not tryin to bubble, tryin to work, get through it, enjoy myself. Before I came out here I had hopes of meeting up with Diamond, figuring every year our paths cross and it should follow we would this year. maybe that night the stars were leading me away, perhaps an omen improperly interpreted. I’d see him, and then miss him. Or he’d come by and say hello, and then goodbye, and it was just another thing that I felt strange about. The encounter. Because there was none. And I had hoped, having him out of LA and away from all his shit and his job and responsibilities and out here in the city of sin he would maybe want to be just a little sinful, just a tad, even if it was just in a burger king bathroom, but nothing going. No love for your ol girl PF, ahahahha, I mean, no lovin’. Mad love. But definately no nadaneah nada neayh. And I shaved my legs everyday in hopes.
I just have to drop it. Quit thinking about it, him, anything I think. It just flusters me. Because I don’t understand. Time to take a step back and quit pushing so hard. That was the other thing I was thinking before AVN, is that it would be a good test, to see if the green light is pointing in our directions, like every other year, even the one when things were just strange. Should I take this as a sign?
Now I’m at Hard Rock, chillin in bed, relaxing, about to help host a party tonight for Vivid at Body English, Sunday school. Naughty girls. Listening to Jimmy Hendrix Castles made of sand….
And I think I’m gonna smoke a blunt. And take a breath.

So two dear girly girl friends came down to Sunny San Diego to play this weekend, and let me tell ya…..
From the moment they came into town, I felt as though a hurricane were lapping against my tightly sealed windows and doors. Okay, I take that back. Honestly, we had so much freaking fun, I don’t remember most of it. It all started Friday night, when we decided to put on some fake eyelashes and go out dancing. I even wore this adorable little frilly fluffy fluff dress, not normally my bag, but it just felt right. The girls, that would be the incredible edible, taryn thomas, and sexy miss angel, and I polished off half a bottle of pear flavored grey goose before we got into the club, so once the jager bombs started to flow (and oh how they flow), you could tell this night was gonna be trouble. I ended up smoking cigarettes, yes, ewww, but I can’t lie, I had a couple, losing all the girls; Taryn got kicked outf for having a faulty shoe (also known as way too drunk syndrome), and Angel had followed her in an attempt to salvage what was lost. I end up getting a ride home from this random dude, who’s name just kept slipping my mind, only to find miss angel and Taryn the ass hat sitting on my front porch.
:)
Taryn starts yelling at the dude that he has to go, because this is her dads complex and we aren’t supposed to have dudes here, and this whole fabulous lie to ease the pain of telling him there was no way he was gonna stick it in any of us. hahahhha, oh lord I fell asleep laughing about that one, while Angel went out to get some dick, and Taryn passed out on the couch.
Saturday morning: We go see my coffee man, who says he has never seen me this hung over, (and oh boy he sees me hung over, I’m there every morning for my soy vanilla latte yummmmmyummmm), and he thinks he knows how to cure me.
Baileys Latte.
Dream coffee man. Thanks Wolf…and we go to breakfast. After breakfast, we return to the coffee cart for round two, at which point I invite Wolf down to the beach for a day of drinking and debauchery. We return to the house, and invite the homie Delish over for Angel to snuggle with. Taryn is laying on the couch, Angels in my bed, and I’m lying on the cold tile floor in my living room when both Wolf and Delish show up. Dave crawls in bed with Angel, while Taryn and get our shit together and head down to the beach, (18 pack and half full bottle of jager in hand).
We sit on the beach, go swimming, play a rousing game of shoes, back into the ocean, (whoops broke the seal a little too early and now every beer just washes through), jumping in the waves, a little bit of an undertow, but crystal clear like crystal pier. Taryn at one point decides she has had enough beach day, and stomps off mid horse shoe. Says she is hungry and needs to go eat….so at the 17th and 18th tecate, Wolf and I decide to start our way back home. This is a little hard to do being that he is the coffee man and everywhere we go, someone is trying to buy him a shot. And it’s hard to make it down this street by my house, what with all the bars and good times going on everywhere. Well, we hit up three different bars on the way home, take at least 4 shots at each place (whoa nelly) and at the third bar we go to, Taryn and Angel show up, saying they want my keys (which I didn’t even realize I had, so there was never any worry for a dui). I thought they were there to drink the night away with us, and start clapping and jumping. Only after 8 jumps did I start to wonder how in the world they found us! Taryn says she literally walked down the street and listened for my voice, and seeing as how I have a tendency of losing my volume control when I drink too much, we weren’t too hard to find. Whatever, after a brief argument over who has my keys (I said taryn, she said me, she was right I was wrong wrong wrong), I realize she isn’t there to drink and party, they really do want the keys to my car to go home, so no problem ladies! Take it away! I don’t need the fuckin thing!!!
After Wolf and I walked the mile and a half back to my casa, we partook in……well……I’m just going to leave this open ended
In the morning, everyone was hurting, although less than the previous day, so after Wolf left, we decide to go down to Wavehouse, a bar right on the beach that I frequent simply for the overly priced drinks and entertainment value of watchin some cute little surfer boy eat shit not more than twenty feet away from my salty, sticky table. Love it. Too much to drink, no surprise there, and Taryn is kicked out once again. I don’t know how this time. All I know is that I was kickin it with the DJ and sure enough Angel comes stumbling over to tell me how Taryn is outside and called a cab and lets bounce. I talk to the security guys (and yes, I probably sexually harass them a bit, as I have been known to do when intoxicated), and they say that she is just way too drunk and has to go. They invite me and Angel to stay, but being the good friends we are, its go time. We decide to take a cab to Bud Bleezes casa…we get in the cab and out of the parking lot, and wait one minute. Where the fuck is Angel? Who are these other two girls in our cab? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???? I’m making out with one of the chicks, She’s inviting us back downtown for more drinks, (of course they know where to get free booze), we say no no no, going to Buds. As soon as we get to Buds, I get a hold of Angel, give the cab driver the address, and sit in the middle of the road patiently awaiting her arrival. Taryn has already ventured inside to fuck with Bud, who was asleep after a hard day of drinking and watching the Raiders game. Meanwhile, in the middle of the street, I’m playing with my shoes like hands in them dancing, doing the waiting for Angel dance, which I of course had a song for. (waiting waiting waiting, for my lost angel friend). Cabbie shows up, I pay, Angel and I go inside to find Taryn butt naked running around Buds house, yelling about how she needs to get fucked, and its time for her to get some, and Angel passes out on Buds ottoman, Bud denies Taryn (but only because she was screaming for it, and he always likes it a little hard to get…), at which point Taryn puts on his tank top, her bathing suit bottom, and leaves the premises. “WHERE THE FUCK DID TARYN GO? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??” I try and get Angel to sleep in Buds bed, where it is mcComfy comf, and she says no, so we decide to go out looking for Taryn who is walking the streets of Ocean beach partially nude and barefoot.
Are you shitting me?
Suddenly, Delish is calling me saying that he went and picked up Taryn from some random liquor store, and what the fuck is going on, she keeps yelling at him, and he wants to make sure we are okay, because supposedly we ditched her (untrue untrue untrue), and that is how she got lost, naked and shoeless. I ask dave to please take her back to his house and put her to bed, because she is no longer allowed outside as drunk as she is. And we already got kicked outta one bar today, so please just put my little asshat to bed so she is safe and then I know where all my friends are, and I don’t have to worry about anyone but myself. Delish is a wonderful man, and tries his best. So I go out to the bars with some highschool friends, and its shots of patron all night. fun fun fun. meeting crazies at the bar all night, back to Buds around 1:00am, and its all mellow. Until Angel wakes up. And Taryn calls us, admits to fucking Delish, who Angel had wanted, and Delish doesn’t want to play with the crazy drunk girls anymore, understandly so, and locks himself in his room. So Angel takes Bud up to the roof and fucks him silly there, while I hang out in his bedroom with this Ginger kid named Dylan, nice kid, and we talk hip hop, Brother Ali to Murs, People under the Stairs to Necro, yeah, Dyl isn’t a bad ginger at all. In fact, he’s a Zoni, and new and fresh to cali, so upon Bud and Angels return, we welcome him to Cali in the best way possible
A fat Blunt.
Which pretty much puts us all out, well, except for bud who still tries to grab a titty here or there, so me and Angel bite his whole body until he is subdued, and then we all pass out.
And the whole world slept.
There were apologies the next day, talk of never drinking again, and only today have I felt well enough to relate and relive the whole weekend through blog. But I think I’m just getting too old to play this rough. I hurt. The recovery time is longer, and the pain is deeper. Fuckin wild. Anyway, I’m stoked the girlys are two hours away, because damn they really gotta wanna get fucked up to get all the way down here. Ahhhh.
Now all I have to do is clean my freaking house,unclog the kitchen sink (Mr. Rooter is coming over at 2, bwao chicka whao whao….) and get my little butt to the gym and then to yoga. Think I’ma go for a run, then to class, just to make sure all the filth from this weekend is washed out. I went down and got coffee this morning, and it wasn’t wierd or anything, which I was stoked on, because Wolf makes a damn good soy vanilla latte. And I’d hate to have to get different coffee because of some funny drunk night of lust and sexiness….
And he’s tall and skinny like I like em.
Bad bad flame….but I’m still burnin…..

I would like to begin the auction on my bed. Due to my move, and ending may 14th, I will be holding an auction on my bed, yes the very bed that I have slept in for the past two years. If you think I should auction off the mattress as well, shoot, let me know, and we’ll do that too. I will include with it a personalized video of me masturbating in your soon to be bed as well as your very own photo set of me in the bed. So let the bidding begin. I am also going to post it on Ebay, and hopefully it is a success…..
xoxoxoxox
penny

so, after work today, I will be heading down to SD unannounced. I text Moo the other day with “I hope you have a great first day at work”, and then the next day, “I hope your first day was awesome”. After no replies to either the first or second text, I wrote, “Please let me know what your decision is. I am incredibly unsettled, and deserve some sort of solid answer” To which I finally received “I don’t know what my decision is yet. I never would have done this if I had known you would be so controlling” to which I reply “I wouldn’t have either if I had realized you’d be so disrespectful and ungrateful.”
The texting stopped with those words.
The unfortunate part of the whole situation is that initially, we couldn’t talk it out. I would try to tell her how I felt, and she would scream, cutting me off mid-sentence. Finally, in our discussion, I said “maybe it would be better if we just wrote eachother letters since we can’t seem to speak one at a time like adults”. She half apologized, and we cut the conversation there. We have been limited to texting ever since, because I am not willing to let myself get emotionally out of control again, nor am I willing to allow her the courtesty of the spoken word (since we often say things we later regret, I would rather her have to type it with her thumbs so she can think long and hard about what she is saying to her best friend of 13 years) (actually, I don’t want to say anything I regret either so this works well both ways). Yesterday, (Friday) was the day that xboyfriend Steve was going to drive down. I am not sure if he did, but I have a sinking feeling that they are at my home packing up as I write this sorrowful blog. I have a feeling of dread that when I show up tonight, I will be calling the police in order to get this unruly and unreasonable man out of my home.
I considered bringing down strongarms, so that I would be safe from any wrathe he may feel, (or she may feel for that matter) but I decided to bring my sister instead. My little sister is one of the most reasonable people I have ever met, and I am not trying to show up at the casa and start trouble. I am not making an effort here to be menacing, and I realize now after tons of thought and consideration, that to show up with a couple big men on my side may play into a fight, and some jail time, all in the name of a girl who obvoiusly isn’t ready to change her life. So I will bring myself and my sweet sister, non threatening, well intentioned, and entirely reasonable, to confront the situation. And I hate HATE confrontations. (She’s a pacifist walter….I did not know that dude. I did not know that). So if I walk through the door tonight, and the are there on the couch, I will give them one hour to get all the shit out, before I call the police. If I have to call the police, I know this will signify the end of our friendship (until she really does clean up her act). If I don’t, there may be hope that although she is unhappy with me, she will know deep in her subconscious that all I wanted to do was help. Maybe years down the line, if she hasn’t died from drug overdose, or ended up in jail, then she will see how I tried my best. And even that was not enough. Because she did not allow it to be.
So to be honest, I’m incredibly nervous. I don’t have a lot of friends. And tonight may be the death of my longest lived friendship. Lets all hope it rains tonight, down in sunny San Diego, so that the water may wash away any event, good or bad, that is about to take place. And lets hope that tomorrow morning is crisp and fresh and new, because that is about all I am looking forward to see.